Like trying to grab a greased-up watermelon from a kiddie pool, the holiday season is slipping away from me. I’m trying not to panic, but the to-do list is long and the days are short and HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA DO IT ALL?

Thankfully, the Lego Calendar is here to steady my mind and clear away the stress.

Give me something good today, Calendar. I need it.

Today’s item is… Continue reading →

Anyone else stressing about the holidays? No? Just me then.

It’s 60-degrees outside, which would be normal December temperature…in Mordor! But here in the North East, December should be cold. The feeling outside is weird and wrong, like wearing a swimsuit as underwear.

December should be cold, coffee should be hot and sandwiches should have chips crammed inside. Those are facts.

Maybe today’s Lego item will help make the weather outside frightful.

Today’s item is… Continue reading →

We’re just days away from a brand new Star Wars movie! Remember this time, my friends. This is the good time. If Disney follows through on their plans, there will be a new Star Wars movie every year until the end of humans (and the return of the ‘Dactyls!). That means this feeling of anticipation that we all have will never be as sweet and hopeful as it is today.

Soon we’ll know how these new Star Warses look and feel. We’ll know where the story is going and who the players are. But right now? It’s still a glorious mystery.

Enjoy it. I am.

Today’s Lego item is… Continue reading →

So far, I’d say the Lego Star Wars Advent Calendar has been wonderful this year. The first week gave us sail barges, sand crawlers, Frisco and an Ewok playset.

I’m thinking today’s item will be a mini-figure, since Frisco seems lonely.

What lives behind the cardboard door? Continue reading →

Happy Hanukkah! I built my own menorah out of Lego, and will use Lego people as the candles. Is it traditional? No. But Batman is the centerpiece, so I think God would approve.

If you’ve read these blogs thoroughly, you’ll know I’m half-Jewish. My father is Jewish and still attends services Friday nights. My mother was a Christian Sunday School teacher for most of her life. And they loved each other, and made it work. So I’m the best of both worlds! My parents never forced my brother or me into one religion or the other. Instead, they answered questions if we had them, and then let us figure things out on our own. My beliefs were forged from that and lead to the creation of “Dan Bergstein’s Life Path System of Living.” The first four rules of “Dan Bergstein’s Life Path System of Living” are as follows:

Rule 1: Be Good.
Rule 2: Be Humble. (Which is difficult because I’m so very pretty.)
Rule 3: Treat all people with respect and kindness, even if you’re feeling cranky.
Rule 4: Don’t just assume you know karate.

These rules have treated me well in life.

Because I didn’t have a menorah, and because counting things via Lego is how I spend most of December, I decided to build one. My girlfriend helped, because it took some time to find all the pieces in my Lego bucket. I’m very pleased with the end result.

And now you ask, “Since you’re half-Jewish, are you only gonna ‘light’ four of them candles?”

No. That’s stupid. I don’t stop my countdown to the birth of Jesus on Day 12.

And then you say, “You shouldn’t be playing with them toys, nerd.” And then I nearly forget Rule 4 of “Dan Bergstein’s Life Path System of Living.”

Bee Girl is the first candle, and I’m sure there’s a Maccabees/Bee Girl joke to be made, but I’m not sure what the joke is. Thoughts?

Yesterday’s Lego calendar item was confusing but interesting. Today’s item is… Continue reading →

Yesterday was a very Christmas-y day. My girlfriend and I went to an indie craft show (which is just a craft show, but because it has “indie” in the title, I feel like a cool hip man). That’s where we bought the ornament you see above. She’s a gnome. Her name is Hazel. She comes to life at night and protects us from evil.

I’m always tempted to sell my Power Pencils (easily available at PowerPencis.com!) at one of these events. But there are three problems:

1. I don’t have much inventory. My operation is small, so I keep inventory as low as possible so that I’m not stuck with excess product — because if you have magic pencils just sitting around, chances are good that burglars or the Evil Queen Rantula will hunt you down and steal them…and then it’s game over, Earth. (For more on Queen Rantula, please read the instruction manuals included with every Power Pencil.) So if I had a table at a craft show, it would look tiny and empty. That’s not good for sales.

2. Pencils are small and easily stolen. Most craft sellers have items too large to just swipe from a table, but I worry that my precious pencils would be eaten up by thieves (and evil Queen Rantula’s goons). When people see pencils on a table, they’ll just assume they’re free. I could hide them behind glass cases, but then I’d need to buy glass cases.

3. I’m scared.

So that’s why I’m not selling Power Pencils at craft shows…yet.

After the craft show, my girlfriend and I watched Star Wars: Episode 4. Still great! But why doesn’t Wedge get a medal at the end? Dude was up there flying around the Death Star. Dude risked his life. Give him a medal! And Chewie gets one too!

So far, most of the items in the Lego Calendar have been Tatooine-focused. Maybe today I’ll get blue milk or Aunt Beru’s charred corpse! (That was dark. I’m sorry.)

Today’s item is… Continue reading →

Of all the holiday songs, the one I loathe above all others, even above the dreaded “Christmas Shoes,” is “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” I hate it. I’d rather listen to hot molten lava slowly cooling inside my ear canal than sit through the entire song. It’s the worst.

Maybe it was fun the first time it was performed. Maybe as part of a Broadway show it works just fine. But as a stand-alone song, it’s worse than all the ringtones in the world played at once. And it’s not even the mild, implied sexual assault that irks me. I just hate it. I hate that every celebrity in the world sings it, and we’re all supposed to applaud and say, “My God, that duet was so playful and delightful! I truly felt that it was cold outside! Bravo!”

And every year, there are 20 more versions of it! Please, can we stop? Can we agree that the song is ruining our lives and minds? Am I alone? Am I the only one who hates this song? WHY DO THEY KEEP SINGING IT?!?!?

Even now, sitting here thinking about, I’m getting angry.

Luckily, I have a Lego surprise. And that surprise is… Continue reading →

I was pretty harsh about yesterday’s item. I really like it. So after a restless night of sleep, I’m adjusting yesterday’s score to a 2.9 out of 5. I’m sorry.

We’ve seen three things from the Lego calendar thus far, and none of them are minifigures. That means today’s item is… Continue reading →

I haven’t bought my tickets to see The Force Awakens yet. I don’t plan on seeing it opening day, because the crowds and the lines and all those lousy kids with their sticky light sabers being waved in front of my frowny face.

I hope to see it a few days after the premier, which means I’ll probably need to avoid social media for fear of spoilers. It’s a tough situation. I hope we can all collectively agree not to spoil the movie for each other. I think we’re mature enough to keep secrets. So if it turns out that Luke is now a villain or that Han Solo is really Boba Fett’s uncle, don’t scream it to the world. That won’t make you cool. (Wearing Beats headphones in a movie theater doesn’t make you cool, either.)

However, I kinda hope there isn’t much to spoil about the movie. I don’t want the movie to be a whole lot of, “You’re not going to believe this, but so-and-so is related to what’s-his-name!” Though So-And-So could be a cool Star Wars name.)

Remember the first Star Wars movie, back when it was just called Star Wars? Was there much to spoil there? Nope. It was just a great adventure movie in space. And that’s what I want The Force Awakens to be. I just want a great adventure movie in space. So if Princess Leia’s second cousin turns out to be Obi-Wan Kenobi’s former dentist, that’s fine…but it’s not why I’m seeing the movie. And if Yoda’s ghost is living inside BB-8’s ball, well…that’d be pretty cool, actually.

And with that, let’s see what today’s Lego item is… Continue reading →