I Want to Be Arby’s Twitter Author

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I’m not sure why the restaurant chain Arby’s has a Twitter account. Moreover, why would anyone wish to follow such a Twitter feed? I enjoy Arby’s food but that’s the extant of my interest in the company. Are there die hard Arby’s fans in the world itching for more content, dying to know Arby’s opinions on trending topics? Perhaps. After staring at the Arby’s Twitter feed for a few moments (hours), I had an epiphany.

If you follow me on Twitter, you are well aware of my dream to be the Twitter Author for Arby’s. And if you know me at all, you know I never give up a dream, unless that dream was to create a new species called a Tuna Spider. As of this writing, Arby’s is ignoring me on Twitter, though they will instantly shout out to anyone else who so much as tweets, “Arby’s is a place with food.” Why am I being shunned? I assume the current Arby’s Twitter Author is worried about losing his/her job, and rightfully so.

I’m going beyond Arby’s Twitter account and applying for the job directly by emailing the following cover letter to Arby’s Headquarters. (By the way, I’m listing every single one of you as a job reference, so if Arby’s calls, say good things. Thanks!)

Dear Arby’s,

As a professional writer with a fondness for delicious roast beef sandwiches, I am an ideal candidate for the position of Arby’s Twitter Author. I have carefully crafted over 2,000 Tweets on such subjects as giraffe blood, Academy Award nominated actress/rapper Queen Latifah, and the human condition. Thanks largely to the success of my Blogging Twilight articles on SparkNotes.com, my Tweets reach over 3,000 people, many of whom are astounding. Since I use a Wi-Fi internet connection, the Twitter data is floating around outer space where it can be picked up by literally billions of people throughout the cosmos. These are numbers you cannot ignore.

By combining my readers with the loyal followers of the Arby’s Twitter feed, your corporate message could reach the entire internet. When you have the ear of America listening patiently, would you want to ask it banal questions such as, “Do you like curly fries?” or would it be more beneficial to entertain and inspire this newfound audience with Tweets constructed of wit and poignancy? The answer is simple. You need me.

It would be unfair to ask for this job without first proving my worth. Below you will find a few samples of my work – unpublished Tweets that promote the Arby’s brand in my own unique way. Feel free to publish these notes regardless of our future negotiations.

  • Arby’s always reminds me of home. (I was born and raised in an idyllic utopian future, sent back in time to make sure all the owls are good and dead.)
  • Lunchtime? You can’t spell “nearby” without A-R-B-Y! #bieber #CharlieSheen #Glee #sex #Gaga #Godga #LadyGaga #HealthCare #Lohan #Twilight
  • In a blind taste test, 2 out of 3 people couldn’t tell the difference between Arby’s Curly Fries and magic edible springs made of cloud meat flavored with unicorn tears and mermaid dandruff.
  • OMG! Arbys just hired me to write their Tweets! What a fantastic, forward-thinking company!
  • McDonald’s is a restaurant for people who hate life and have no tongues.

I can also generate new, catchy internet memes to help promote your restaurants. For instance, I could turn the phrase, “You’ve just been Arbied,” into something bigger and bolder than Charlie Sheen’s #winning. And with a little photo editing, I can post Twit Pics of ducks with hilarious, Arby’s-themed captions such as, “May I trouble you for a few pecks of that delicious Arby’s sandwich, kind sir?”See? It’s different from LOL Cats because the ducks speak in formal English. How outside-the-box is that?!

And after Kind Ducks takes off, we can roll out even more hilarious animal photos such as Fish Who Talk Like Ghosts (e.g. “Helloooooo I’m a fiiiiiissssssh! Ooooooh!”), Insects Who Talk With Jamaican Accents, and of course, British Wrens.

These are just a few examples of my work. I would gladly send along more samples if needed, one of which involves a flute and lightning. In terms of compensation, I’m not asking for much. I’ll write your Tweets free of charge for the first month. After that, if you don’t see a dramatic rise in sales and brand identity, I will retire. But, should this marketing technique increase profits and visibility, I expect to be compensated at a rate of $400 a Tweet and/or given a special badge that grants me free large curly fries at participating Arby’s Restaurants. Please contact me with any questions, and I look forward to being part of the Arby’s Team. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Dan Bergstein

dan@laserfarm.com

P.S.
I also have some thoughts regarding a new Arby’s mascot. I’ll just leave you with these two words: Karate Horse.