Warning: If you continue reading, you will die from confusion.

Note: I am not a philosopher or astrophysicist, and it stands to reason that the concept described below has been fully explored in more elegant terms by people much smarter than I.

Still with me? Here is why I can’t sleep tonight:

For the sake of argument, time travel is a real thing. A person can hop into a time machine (that looks like an egg) and travel back and forth through time. Let us then examine the following situation involving Peter and Lisa-Barbie, two average people who have noses.

And, for simplicity’s sake, let us shorten our time frame to a single week, Sunday to Saturday. With me so far? Really? Pop quiz! What is the girl’s name? (Hint: It’s not Peaches.)

SUNDAY

On Sunday afternoon, Peter goes fishing by himself because he’s a very boring person. Lisa-Barbie is at home doing terrible things to her feet. Suddenly, a time machine plops down outside of Lisa-Barbie’s house. Lisa-Barbie doesn’t hear it because her ears are filled with very small rocks. In this scenario, Lisa-Barbie will never have any idea that time travel is real.

Peter (from the future) hops out of the time machine carrying a bowling ball, and barges into Lisa-Babie’s house where he finds Lisa-Barbie doing horrible things to her feet. They have the following conversation.

LISA-BARBIE: Dude!
PETER: Hi, Lisa-Barbie. Take this bowling ball. Keep it for a few days. On Wednesday, I want you to give me this bowling ball. When you do this, I will act as if I have no idea what you’re talking about. Don’t worry. Do you understand?
LISA-BARBIE: On Wednesday, you want me to give you back the bowling ball. And you will act as if you don’t know why. I understand.
PETER: [Hands Lisa-Barbie the bowling ball] Goodbye.

Future Peter leaves Lisa-Barbie’s house and hops back into the time machine, traveling to Saturday (his present). Meanwhile, the present day (Sunday) Peter is still fishing because he is a boring man, and has no idea that Future Peter visited Lisa-Barbie.

MONDAY

Lisa-Barbie has the bowling ball. Nothing much happens.

TUESDAY

Nothing happens.

WEDNESDAY

Lisa-Barbie lugs the bowling ball to school and hands it to Peter. They have the following conversation.

LISA-BARBIE: Here’s your stupid bowling ball.
PETER: What are you talking about?
LISA-BARBIE: Just take it.

Confused, Peter takes the bowling ball.

THURSDAY

Peter has the bowling ball.

FRIDAY

Nothing happens. Lisa-Barbie eats a sandwich.

SATURDAY

Peter discovers time travel while playing with his navel and invents a time machine. Taking the bowling ball with him, he travels back in time to Sunday, the same Sunday we discussed above. Remember? Sunday Peter is fishing, because he is a boring man, and Saturday Peter from the future barges into Lisa-Barbie’s house, gives her the bowling ball and the instructions to give him back the bowling on Wednesday, and then leaves.

He hops into the time machine and travels to the future (his present), arriving on Saturday afternoon, one second after he had left to go back in time to Sunday.

Peter then lives the rest of his life bowling-ball-free.

Questions.
1. Who made the bowling ball? Where did it come from?

2. What if the bowling ball were a puppy? Who are the puppy’s parents? Would that puppy grow up in this time circle, eventually becoming a dog? When it died, what would happen? Would Lisa-Barbie and Peter act differently in a time circle that contained a living thing?

3. What if instead of a puppy, it was a human baby? Could that baby learn inside the time circle?

4. If pickles could talk, would they demand to be called something more impressive than “pickles”?

I’m not looking for religious answers. This isn’t about God (or the Giant Forever Turtle) creating the universe. This is just a fun paradox that has been the cause of my insomnia for about two hours. And now it’s in your brain, and shall never leave. Enjoy and good night.