I haven’t eaten meat all year and plan to continue this diet until the end of the month. This has nothing to do with social issues or ethics. I don’t think meat is murder, unless you’re talking about puppy meat. My temporary diet isn’t about health, either. Instead of meat, I’ll probably be gulping down unholy amounts of carbs, cheese, and fryer grease. I will try to eat a balanced diet, but I’m not going to ask the waiter to make me a celery sandwich when pizza is on the menu.

So why stop consuming meat? Eh…I dunno. Needed something to write about, I guess. With no Lego Calendar to open, and interest in my beard waning, a new topic of discussion must be found. Thus, for the month of January, I shall not consume meat. This means no beef, chicken, pork, seafood, or sloth blood.

I will, however, consume milk, eggs, cheese, and cookies. I’m also open to the idea of eating bugs, because bugs aren’t animals. They’re tiny time-traveling demons. Yes, even ladybugs. (Especially ladybugs.)

Only three days into the diet and I’m already enjoying the new tastes hitting my tongue. This weekend I experienced sweet potato tacos for the first time – not to be confused with sweat potato tacos, which is what I originally typed because I’m a silly man. Sweet potato tacos are my new best friend. (Sorry, Todd.)

Tonight I ate my first Boca burger, which wasn’t bad, but the texture is bit…iffy. It was sort of like eating a soggy granola bar. Still, I’m not craving meat yet and I look forward to eating more things that weren’t born, such as eggplant, clouds, and infinity hamsters.

For breakfast, I’m sticking with cereal, though I had to stop myself from sprinkling dried owl eyes on my Cheerios. I’m using raisins instead. Same texture. Same taste, too. The dinners are the tricky part. Anyone know how to cook soy? I just held a brick of it under a hair dryer for a few days. Not sure if it’s “done” yet.

Updates to follow…unless I die from lack of ham.