Dear Mr. Bill Waterson:

This letter is to inform you that we here at Imagination Productions are very interested in transforming your Calvin and Hobbes comic strip into a big budget film series. While you may scoff, we ask that you hear us out. We know what we’re doing. You can trust us.

If the success of recent films such as Smurfs and the upcoming Smurfs: The Lost Village are any indication, audiences are mildly eager to see beloved characters from the 80s and 90s on the big screen! Now it can finally be your turn for the Hollywood spotlight!

We have already worked out a treatment for the Calvin and Hobbes movie.

The film opens in ancient Egypt as a young Cleopatra buries her beloved pet cat in a secret pyramid. Sad? Yes, but this will get younger audiences to stop fussing about in their seats. You gotta start sad!

We flash-forward to present day when an archaeological crew (maybe lead by Michael Caine in a cameo role) uncovers the pyramid, but just as the pyramid is revealed, a blue bolt of energy (“Feline Force,” as it will later be called) blasts up and into the sky. An assistant asks Michael Caine, “What was that?” And Caine replies, “That, my friend, was our last hope.”

Then the title card cracks into the screen in big, rocky letters: Calvin and Hobbes: The Beginning Rises.

Now the film really gets going. We see young Calvin in his day-to-day life. He’s a troublemaker known for causing mischief, daydreaming, and saying his soon-to-be classic catchphrase, “Ain’t that a kick in the treasures!”

Calvin is an orphan, which we admit strays from your original narrative, but you should trust us. It’s better if he’s an orphan. He’s living with a foster family. Don’t worry…by the end Calvin helps audiences understand that family can mean many things. In fact, “Family Means Many Things” is the song he sings after the chase through the airport in the film’s finale.

What Calvin doesn’t know, and this must kept secret in all promotional materials for the film, is that his mother was actually related to Cleopatra making Calvin heir to the Feline Force. All of that gets explained by Old Mr. Kettle, the British historian who ends up training Calvin. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Where were we? After a big scene in which no one remembers Calvin’s birthday, the Feline Force blasts into a toy store and is absorbed by a stuffed tiger. Calvin investigates the energy blast and sees the stuffed tiger is now alive. (The tiger is voiced by ether Matthew Mcconaughey or Johnny Knoxville in an Oscar-caliber performance.)

Sample dialogue:

CALVIN: You talk?!
HOBBES: Actually, more like Talk U — that’s where I learned how! [Hobbes then pulls out a degree from “Talk University” and shoves it towards the camera in IMAX 3D so we see he majored in “Jibber-Jabber.” When he does this, there’s a an air-horn sound effect.]
CALVIN: Ain’t that a kick in the treasures!?

The next hour of the movie follows Calvin and Hobbes as they attempt to collect all seven Magic Whiskers of the Feline Force.

Then they have to escape the amusement park and make it back in time or else Hobbes will turn into just a regular stuffed animal FOREVER!

Will they make it back in time?
Will Calvin win the skateboard race around the world?
And what happens when Calvin tries to take Hobbes to the vet?!?

To say more would ruin the surprise, but here are a few key points:

Susie Derkins has her own magic stuffed animal — a teddy bear voiced by Amy Adams who offers wonderful jokes that adults will understand.

There’s a subplot about Susie’s dad trying to steal the plans to Calvin’s Transmogrifier. But every time he tries to steal the plans, he accidentally eats “Fart Candy.”

There’s a joke where Hobbes says, “I’ve heard of popcorn, but never mop-corn!” We’re still working out the premise, but that punchline is gold.

Spaceman Spiff shows up in a post-credit sequence teasing the next three films.

Part of the film takes place in China.

Calvin inherits a mansion.

Hobbes from another multiverse is evil and causes trouble.

Moe is no longer a bully. He’s Calvin’s best friend.

Miss Wormwood was tasked with keeping an eye on Calvin until the Feline Force showed itself. She was his protector all along!

And there you have it.

The movie is pretty much ready to go. All we need is your permission. We want nothing more than to continue the adventures of Calvin and Hobbes and The Feline Force in a respectful manner.

Please let us know by noon tomorrow if we can do this, because we’ve already been talking about the movie on Twitter and the teaser trailer will be released tonight. Trailer Soundtrack: “The Boys Are Back in Town” by Thin Lizzy.

Thank you.