Childhood Christmas Memory #782: American Cheese

Growing up, if I wanted cheese I’d get Kraft Singles…which is cheese in name only and is as much a cheese product as toothpaste is a dessert.

But when my parents had parties, it was time to bring out the good stuff — deli cheese!

Christmas dinner at my house was a big deal, but we didn’t eat the traditional turkey or ham or goose. We had sandwiches. This was the easiest thing to serve the seemingly 600 people who came to our Christmas Day party. Aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins of cousins, aunts of cousins, uncles of aunts…on Christmas Day, our house was packed from noon until night. As such, a few tons of assorted sandwich meats and salads feeds people faster and more efficiently than everyone sitting down to a turkey dinner.

And that’s when I’d get the good cheese, the deli cheese.

American cheese from the deli is a common food most people take for granted. To young Dan, however, that cheese was rich, creamy slices of angel paper.

Those thin slices of genuine deli cheese would stick together, making it impossible to take just a single slice. And while etiquette dictates that one should use a fork to take a slice of cheese from the tray and deliver it to your sandwich, often a fork would only rip the cheese and so, etiquette be damned, I used my fingers. Hell, I’d used my toes if I had to.

I am now an adult. I can buy deli cheese whenever I damn well please. But there’s still something special about having that cheese in December, something decadent and sublime. Mention Christmas dinner and some will think of a roasted turkey or glistening ham. Me? I think of a big cheese sandwich with lots of mayonnaise. And ring bologna on the side. But I’m assuming some of you (most of you) don’t know what ring bologna is. I think it’s a Pennsylvania thing. (It’s like…a ring…of bologna. But it’s actually horseshoe shaped.)

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about that cheese a lot lately.

Yesterday we got a dead pirate. Today we get…

More weapons.

(Quick Note: My girlfriend suggested that yesterday’s Skull Pole could fit into one of the sand mounds. She was right!)

Granted, these weapons look older and could be considered “treasure,” but I don’t need or want more weapons.

Come on, Playmobil! The one pirate you included in this box has two hands. Even if a dumb kid lost seven of the weapons and swallowed a few more, there are still enough weapons in this box to arm an entire regiment of nine-handed soldiers.

Less weapons, more pirates!

That said, the battle ax is cool. I’m a fan of battle axes. Give me a video game or daydream in which I choose a melee weapon, and I’m going to choose the battle ax. And let this be the topic of your next fan-art: Lightsaber battle ax, a.k.a. the Lightax!

But more swords? You could have given me a few more gems, or a treasure chest, or a mermaid! I’d trade in every one of these weapons for a mermaid…a Mrs. Claus mermaid…with a lightax.

The evil Hezzy and Kayla wanted to use the weapons.

HEZZY: With these we can finally defeat Jonas Cannoncube!
KAYLA: We need thumbs. And hands.
HEZZY: What do you mean by that?
KAYLA: Just…it’s hard to use pistols or swords without hands.
HEZZY: Do you think I’m ugly?
KAYLA: I never said that.
HEZZY: But you wish I had thumbs?
KAYLA: Hezz, all I meant was —
HEZZY: I know what you meant.
KAYLA: I don’t have thumbs, either. I was only trying to —
HEZZY: I bet your friend Justin has thumbs.
KAYLA: What’s that supposed to mean?!
HEZZY: Why weren’t you home last April 11th?
KAYLA: Because Justin had tickets to Modest Mouse and he had no one else to go with!
HEZZY: That was a date!
KAYLA: No! It was just two friends going to Modest Mouse! He was going to lose money on the tickets if I didn’t go!
HEZZY: Oh, I guess he also had tickets to Red Lobster after, right?
KAYLA: You followed us!?!
HEZZY: Why did you make out with Barry at Best Buy?!
KAYLA: We were just talking!!!!

Day 19 Rating: 1.1 out of 5 (Points deducted for being redundant.)

Today is your very last day to order Power Pencils and get them before Christmas! If I don’t have your order by midnight tonight, I cannot guarantee Christmas delivery! Tell everyone!