{"id":698,"date":"2011-04-16T22:38:05","date_gmt":"2011-04-17T02:38:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=698"},"modified":"2011-04-16T23:06:25","modified_gmt":"2011-04-17T03:06:25","slug":"the-best-five-dollars-i%e2%80%99ve-ever-spent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=698","title":{"rendered":"The Best Five Dollars I\u2019ve Ever Spent"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Five dollars isn\u2019t much, but for the price of a foot long sandwich I was able to purchase the very best thing I have ever seen in my entire life that costs five dollars. If you think I\u2019m being over enthusiastic about my purchase, wait until the end of the article and ask yourself, \u201cWas Dan being a tad hysterical?\u201d If you answer yes, than you and I can\u2019t be friends. <\/p>\n

First some background: Five Below is a chain of stores that offer crap for about $5. It\u2019s like a dollar store, but mildly less depressing. While hunting around the store for goofy presents for my cousin\u2019s birthday, I saw a small box on a lower shelf that called to me and I forgot all about my cousin\u2019s birthday. I picked up the box, blew the dust off it (gross, right?) and saw something that is best shown instead of written about:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It\u2019s called Horror Clix, but I think a better name for this toy is Holy Freaking Crap. Just look at it. Notice the price tag? $5!!! Five bucks for all six of these nightmarish figurines, plus a scary tree that is twice as big as the figures. If you include the tree, the price works out to 71.4-cents per figure. But wait, there\u2019s more. So much more. <\/p>\n

Look at what you get!!! Look at it! <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

See folks, this isn\u2019t just a collection of tiny terrifying people and a tree. It\u2019s a game. A game with dice. A game with an instruction book larger than most magazines. A game with a poster-sized fold-out reversible game board that you could hang on your wall as some sort of abstract work of art. It also includes a bunch of cards and cardboard pieces. <\/p>\n

And a plastic tombstone! And a tomb-pillar. (By the way, I just claimed the name Tomb-Pillar for my children\u2019s book about a depressed caterpillar that doesn\u2019t fit in with society.) <\/p>\n

All for five dollars. Five dollars is what I exchanged for this collection of fun. That\u2019s it. Five dollars. <\/p>\n

Now to be honest there\u2019s not a chance in hell that I will ever play the game \u2013 at least not as the game makers intended. The rules sound boring and it involves numbers. I didn\u2019t buy this hoping it would entertain friends at a sophisticated dinner party. I bought it because the figures are scary and stupid in the best possible way. <\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a rundown of each figure in order of importance (from least important to most important). I\u2019ve assigned them new names because their given names are horrible:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

7. Given Name: Skeleton<\/strong>
\nNew Name: Paul McDanger<\/p>\n

He\u2019s not bad, but I\u2019ve never been a huge fan of living skeletons. Whenever I see a living skeleton in movies and in my dreams, I always shout, \u201cHow do your damn bones stay together?\u201d I\u2019m willing to believe in giant spiders and dragons, but I can\u2019t get past that plot hole. The bones wouldn\u2019t stick together like that. There needs to be some sort of binding agent and until Hollywood explains to me how a skeleton is able to walk around and talk, I will never be a living skeleton enthusiast. Sorry. That\u2019s just how I feel. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

6. Given Name: Lynch Ghost<\/strong>
\nNew Name: Vengeful Josh<\/p>\n

Josh is interesting because his body is made of clear plastic and is therefore better than a living skeleton. But I wish the manufacturer hadn\u2019t added the unnecessary and offensive noose or the word \u201clynch.\u201d This is why renaming Josh was necessary and according to the back story I just made up, he once owned a pet shop until one day he was accidentally hanged during a horrible kite accident on a rather blustery day.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

5. Given Name: Blood Vamp<\/strong>
\nNew Name: Linda<\/p>\n

Linda is a goth girl who is offering me a skull. Her super power is generosity. I won\u2019t ask where she got the skull. That would be rude. Her name implies she\u2019s a vampire, but I\u2019m sick of vampires so in my mind she\u2019s a were-spider and she\u2019s allergic to peanuts. (The peanut allergy makes everything more real.) <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

4. Given Name: Bane Wolf<\/strong>
\nNew Name: Bernard the Werewolf<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve read my Twilight Blog then you already know my feelings on werewolves. Bernard\u2019s figure comes complete with the severed head of a deer. I don\u2019t feel sorry for the deer. Surely the deer wronged Bernard in some way and Bernard is simply seeking justice. I support Bernard and his principles. But if a werewolf ranks a mere 4 on the list, that means the remaining three items must be, like, double werewolves. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

3. Given Name: None.<\/strong>
\nNew Name: Harold the Misgiving Tree<\/p>\n

He\u2019s the reason I bought this. In a less wonderful world, I may have spent upwards of $3 just for the tiny frightening tree. He\u2019s the type of tree that I imagine would grow if you planted evil acorns and watered them with barf and tears. Worth. Every. Penny. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

2. Given Name: Chainsaw<\/strong>
\nNew Name: The Instance<\/p>\n

According to the game, this character is named \u201cChainsaw,\u201d and proof that the character names were generated by the same person who named the fruit orange, orange. Yes, he has a chainsaw. But that\u2019s just a tool he uses to get the job done. Had the same person named Harry Potter, Harry would be called \u201cWand.\u201d And so I re-named him \u201cThe Instance.\u201d What does that mean? You don\u2019t want to know. Why is he wearing a bunny mask. I don\u2019t want to know. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
\n
\n1. Given Name: Outpatient<\/strong>
\nNew Name: Arthur the Un-Man<\/p>\n

First you\u2019ll notice he\u2019s wearing a straight jacket. Then you\u2019ll notice he has six tentacles. And then\u2026you die. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

And that\u2019s what you get for 500 pennies. Also included in the game is a ring-like plastic thing that you use to turn the dials beneath each figure. I had hoped the figures would snap securely into the ring and I could walk around town with an Un-Man on my hand, but sadly the pieces don\u2019t connect well and to wear the monster on my finger, I have to hold my hand very still. Now you know why I need super glue. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

So? Is this the very best thing you can buy for five dollars? Your eyes filled with jealousy tears are all the answer I need. <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n