{"id":615,"date":"2011-03-08T14:49:25","date_gmt":"2011-03-08T19:49:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=615"},"modified":"2011-03-08T14:49:25","modified_gmt":"2011-03-08T19:49:25","slug":"i-want-to-be-arby%e2%80%99s-twitter-author","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=615","title":{"rendered":"I Want to Be Arby\u2019s Twitter Author"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>I\u2019m not sure why the restaurant chain Arby\u2019s has a Twitter account. Moreover, why would anyone wish to follow such a Twitter feed? I enjoy Arby\u2019s food but that\u2019s the extant of my interest in the company. Are there die hard Arby\u2019s fans in the world itching for more content, dying to know Arby\u2019s opinions on trending topics? Perhaps. After staring at the Arby\u2019s Twitter feed for a few moments (hours), I had an epiphany.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

If you follow me on Twitter<\/a>, you are well aware of my dream to be the Twitter Author for Arby\u2019s. And if you know me at all, you know I never give up a dream, unless that dream was to create a new species called a Tuna Spider. As of this writing, Arby\u2019s is ignoring me on Twitter, though they will instantly shout out to anyone else who so much as tweets, \u201cArby\u2019s is a place with food.\u201d Why am I being shunned? I assume the current Arby\u2019s Twitter Author is worried about losing his\/her job, and rightfully so.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going beyond Arby\u2019s Twitter account<\/a> and applying for the job directly by emailing the following cover letter to Arby\u2019s Headquarters. (By the way, I\u2019m listing every single one of you as a job reference, so if Arby\u2019s calls, say good things. Thanks!)<\/p>\n

Dear Arby\u2019s,<\/p>\n

As a professional writer with a fondness for delicious roast beef sandwiches, I am an ideal candidate for the position of Arby\u2019s Twitter Author. I have carefully crafted over 2,000 Tweets on such subjects as giraffe blood, Academy Award nominated actress\/rapper Queen Latifah, and the human condition. Thanks largely to the success of my Blogging Twilight articles on SparkNotes.com<\/a>, my Tweets reach over 3,000 people, many of whom are astounding. Since I use a Wi-Fi internet connection, the Twitter data is floating around outer space where it can be picked up by literally billions of people throughout the cosmos. These are numbers you cannot ignore.<\/p>\n

By combining my readers with the loyal followers of the Arby\u2019s Twitter feed, your corporate message could reach the entire internet. When you have the ear of America listening patiently, would you want to ask it banal questions such as, \u201cDo you like curly fries?\u201d or would it be more beneficial to entertain and inspire this newfound audience with Tweets constructed of wit and poignancy? The answer is simple. You need me.<\/p>\n

It would be unfair to ask for this job without first proving my worth. Below you will find a few samples of my work – unpublished Tweets that promote the Arby\u2019s brand in my own unique way. Feel free to publish these notes regardless of our future negotiations.<\/p>\n