{"id":5330,"date":"2022-03-10T12:07:53","date_gmt":"2022-03-10T17:07:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=5330"},"modified":"2022-04-25T15:14:37","modified_gmt":"2022-04-25T19:14:37","slug":"this-blog-is-engaging-and-perfect","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=5330","title":{"rendered":"This Blog Is Engaging and Perfect"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cThe ideal reading length for a blog post is seven minutes. That translates to roughly 1,600 words.\u201d – Content writing advice offered by marketing experts<\/a>. <\/em><\/p>\n

Seven minutes? That makes sense. I haven\u2019t timed my eyeballs or my brain, but spending seven minutes on a blog seems right. If you want an engaging blog, it should take seven minutes to read. However, here we are at the mere 70-word mark and, whoa boy, I\u2019m not sure I can make it to the full 1,600 with this little blog. Right now, it\u2019s more a greeting card than a blog. And we all know how non-impactful (impactless?) and non-viral (healthy?) a greeting card is. I don\u2019t want this to be a willowy and weak greeting card. This is a powerful and mighty blog! This needs to be something big, something substantial, something you can print out and nail to the wall with a railroad spike!
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However, according to the marketing data, right now, I don\u2019t have enough words for a blog — a full, all-the-way, totally engaging blog. As such, I worry about you. What will happen if I don\u2019t hit that word count or the time requirement? Where will your eyes go? Your mind? Your soul? I can\u2019t leave you here, alone and stranded in the internet like a powerless Neo trapped in the Matrix without Morpheus to guide him.<\/p>\n

No. I will stay with you for these seven minutes. I owe you that much. Here are a few words to help us pass the time: Pineapple, tightrope walker, vernacular, Martha, vestibule, and lanyard.<\/p>\n

I need you to stay for the full seven minutes. Can I get you anything else while you\u2019re here? Want to read some numbers? Numbers are words that are easy to spell: 1, 17, 8, 809. And here, have another Martha.<\/p>\n

This content is really picking up steam! Soon this will be considered an engaging blog because of all the words and the time required to read the words. You\u2019ve been here for, roughly, a minute and a half now, judging by the word-per-minute ratio (about four words per second).<\/p>\n

Be honest: Do you feel engaged? Are you still with me? Did I lose you with the whole Martha thing? That was a stretch, but, dammit, if I don\u2019t make the word count I don\u2019t know what will happen. This could end up being a non-engaging blog, something you read halfheartedly while waiting for an ad to finish on a YouTube video. I need this blog to fill out and become seven minutes. I\u2019m doing my best here. I\u2019m trying. I really am. Martha.<\/p>\n

Some of you may be slower readers, to which I say…great! Reading slowly isn\u2019t a bad thing. But, I\u2019m trying to reach everyone <\/em>with this blog, engage with all human beings, so I need y\u2019all to be on the same word at the same time. To help get everyone up to speed, the sentence following this one will feature very short words, and lots of them so that you slow readers can catch up to the normal people. Dogs eat food and cats eat food and frogs eat food and red is a color of a ball in the car and Tom went to the moon. I took out the commas back there to make it smoother for your brain. Now you\u2019re back on track, partner! We\u2019re gonna do this! All 1,600 words! All seven minutes of words! Engage!<\/p>\n

And for those who read too fast, slow the hell down! What are you trying to prove? This isn\u2019t a race, and if you plow through this content too quickly, you won\u2019t retain the information! You won\u2019t be engaged! And I have analytical tools hiding behind the screen that will tell me if you are or are not engaged. Don\u2019t try to fool me!<\/p>\n

Stop reading so fast! Why are you in such a hurry? Where else are you going to go? Reddit? Reddit doesn\u2019t need you. It doesn\u2019t need you like I need you. Stay with me through this. Stay with this blog, this engaging blog, and I promise at the end there will be karate fights. Please? Please don\u2019t read too fast and don\u2019t skim? Come on! Be cool about this. Engage with the words. And stop reading so fast!<\/p>\n

You think you\u2019re so cool with your fast reading? Well, I have a secret weapon. Here\u2019s something that\u2019ll stop even the zippiest readers: Worcestershire<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Ha! Now your brain grinds to a halt as it tries to form that collection of letters into the correct-sounding word. And I have one more trick to play: Pete played with the bass. And you\u2019re like, what\u2019s so special about that? But did I mean the drum, the sad guitar, or the fish? Only I know the answer. Go ahead and search for context clues. THERE ARE NONE! That’ll engage you. That’ll engage you real good. That\u2019ll eat up a few precious seconds.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s what you get for reading this content too swiftly! Fool!<\/p>\n

You\u2019re engaged now, aren\u2019t you? I can sense it in the way your eyes carefully, fearful dart from line to line.<\/p>\n

Are you engaged? Maybe not yet, but you can feel it stirring in your brain and churning in your belly. You are engaging with this content and because it requires the optimal time to consume, there\u2019s little you can do to stop it. You will be one with the content. Don\u2019t fight it. Let it wash over you like a warm ocean wave of thoughts and ideas. It\u2019s seven minutes of heaven. Enjoy this. It\u2019s all for you!<\/p>\n

That\u2019s right. Keep your eyes on these words…watching the words…reading the words. That\u2019s it. That\u2019s nice. That’s good, my lovely targeted audience, my precious reader. You are so close to being engaged! I\u2019m so happy for you! So happy! Everything is about to change for you. I only wish it were possible to read this content again for the first time. Imagine.<\/p>\n

You are engaged and reading each and every word because you know more words are coming up over the horizon, but you don\u2019t yet know what they\u2019ll be or how they will sound. The next word could be hamster or even volcano! And just when you think you know how a sentence will end, along comes gelatin! See how engaged you are? And it\u2019s all because of marketing data!<\/p>\n

Hmm. We\u2019re not quite done. I still need more words. But you know what? Boom!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>One picture is a thousand words. Everyone knows that. I didn\u2019t need a full thousand words so this is 30% of a picture. It’s Al Pacino. Looking at this partial-picture should eat up the same time it would take to read 300 words, or about 75 seconds of chronology.<\/p>\n

Test yourself by looking at the picture and, in your mind, repeating the word “gravy” 300 times. Should be about thee same amount of time. Ready, set, go! Gravy, gravy, gravy…<\/em><\/p>\n

Look, I know this blog feels padded out and fluffed up, but it\u2019s beyond my artistic control. If the marketing data dictates an engaging blog should be seven minutes, then I must adhere to those rules. I really want you to enjoy this experience. I want you to share it with your friends and use this blog to change the world. I couldn\u2019t do that with a mere sentence or paragraph. Don\u2019t make this difficult. I\u2019m doing this for you. All of this, even the Marthas, were for you.<\/p>\n

Maybe you won\u2019t get it now. Maybe you\u2019re too young, too hasty, too stressed. But there will be a time in your life when you\u2019re sitting by the fire, cat in your lap, robot butler at your side, when you’ll say, \u201cHe was right. That blog…it really stuck with me. It was truly engaging. And it was the correct length.\u201d<\/p>\n

Thank you for your time.<\/p>\n

The End<\/p>\n

Karate fights.<\/p>\n

For more information on proper blog etiquette and reaching a target audience, make it all up because when it comes to internet things, no one has any freaking clue how to do it well. Bye! <\/em><\/p>\n