{"id":5277,"date":"2017-05-03T13:11:13","date_gmt":"2017-05-03T17:11:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=5277"},"modified":"2017-05-03T13:22:03","modified_gmt":"2017-05-03T17:22:03","slug":"everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-dark-tower-series","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=5277","title":{"rendered":"Everything You Need to Know About the Dark Tower Series"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>The upcoming movie <em>The Dark Tower<\/em> hopes to bring Stephen King\u2019s complex universe to an even wider audience. But before you head to the theaters, here are a few important things newbies should know about the books.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>The books were written in the past tense.<\/li>\n<li>There are no magical snowmen in the books. None. So if there is a magical snowman in the movie, know that the movie is deviating heavily from the source material.<\/li>\n<li>When stacked on top of each other, the books are not as tall as a normal person. It\u2019s maybe two feet, at best and depending on the editions.<\/li>\n<li>The Canadian versions of the book cost a little more than the American versions.<\/li>\n<li>One of the books is named <em>The Wolves of the Calla<\/em> and none of the books are named <em>Snow What: Snow-Fellow Pete in the Minotaur&#8217;s Maze<\/em>.<\/li>\n<li>None of the books rhyme, so it\u2019s very hard to sing them out loud at a talent show. Also it will take several hours to sing them out loud so give yourself time.<\/li>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<li>The Gunslinger uses guns and his name is Roland, but you can call him Ronald and he won\u2019t care because he\u2019s not real.<\/li>\n<li>Don\u2019t use a bird feather as a bookmark because the feather may have fallen out of bird because the bird was sick with a disease and now, guess what, the disease is in your book, on your hands&#8230;everywhere.<\/li>\n<li>The books are worth about $11 in trade at Books Again, the used bookstore. And you can use that money to buy a copy of The Bible that smells like water. And you&#8217;ll wonder: <em>Who gave up the Bible? What&#8217;s that person&#8217;s story?<\/em> And then&#8230;BAM&#8230;you have a writing prompt for your next Local Writer&#8217;s Club meeting at Panera Bread.<\/li>\n<li>There\u2019s a big bear in one of the books. Don\u2019t be scared, because bears are just chubby dogs.<\/li>\n<li>The fourth book is a terrible bore. Skip it. You\u2019re welcome.<\/li>\n<li>When you flip the pages of the books with your thumb, it creates a breeze that lasts 12.331 seconds. If it lasts less than that, you\u2019re missing one of the books.<\/li>\n<li>Take the dust cover off the book and use it to wrap presents. It\u2019s free wrapping paper, so why not!?<\/li>\n<li>Nowhere in the book does it say Eddie has a Donald Duck accent, but it also doesn\u2019t not say that.<\/li>\n<li>If you finish the entire series in one sitting, you get a big French kiss!<\/li>\n<li>The end of the series has nothing to do with Daenerys Targaryen, but if it did, Daenerys would probably be all like, \u201cOh&#8230;you think you\u2019re tough? Well, I\u2019m the Mother of Dragons!\u201d And then the dragons would show up and kill everyone. And it would be boring because we\u2019ve seen that done a million times already and they really need to do something different and new with her character instead of retreading the same scenario season after season. I mean, come on. We get it. She has a struggle and then she unleashes the dragons. YAWN! More giants, less Daenerys. That\u2019s a formula I\u2019d support. Those giants? Awesome. Every time there\u2019s a giant on screen, it\u2019s fantastic. So good.<\/li>\n<li>Stephen King wrote the series. He also wrote <em>The Shining<\/em>.<\/li>\n<li>The books are very hard to flush down a toilet. If you succeed, your toilet is off-the-charts good.<\/li>\n<li>Some parts of the books are really good. Some parts are not that good. Some of it is very dumb if you stop to think about it. Don\u2019t think about it too hard. It\u2019s not that kind of book. This isn\u2019t <em>Infinite Jest<\/em>.<\/li>\n<li>The story connects to other Stephen King stories. For instance, the clown from <em>It<\/em> is named Pennywise, and if you rearrange the letters of his name, and change some of the letters, it spells Wipe Penis. That\u2019s not connected to any other book, but imagine if it was. That\u2019d be weird.<\/li>\n<li>This is what the Dark Tower looks like.<br \/>\n<a href=\"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-5279\" src=\"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"600\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing.png 800w, https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing-300x225.png 300w, https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing-768x576.png 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" \/><\/a><\/li>\n<li>This is what it would look like if you were looking at it straight down from the sky. <a href=\"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing-Top-View.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-5278\" src=\"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing-Top-View.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"600\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing-Top-View.png 800w, https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing-Top-View-300x225.png 300w, https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/Dark-Tower-Drawing-Top-View-768x576.png 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" \/><\/a><\/li>\n<li>The main character is from a world that\u2019s similar to our own, except there\u2019s no Zinc. Or, if there is Zinc, the author deliberately omitted any mention of it.<\/li>\n<li>When read backwards, the girls at the neighboring lunch table will just look at you like you\u2019re weird. And then you go to prom by yourself and it\u2019s your job to tally the votes for prom king and queen, because someone has to do it and since you don\u2019t have a date, it\u2019s not like you\u2019re going to miss out on anything if you spend a few minutes counting the votes. So you\u2019ll be happy to do it.<\/li>\n<li>None of the characters ever say, \u201cMy name is Soup&#8230;Soup Cornacob. And I have magic fangs!\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><em>For more information on The Dark Tower Series, read the books or just skim the Wikipedia. Honestly, it&#8217;s weird that I had to tell you that. You don&#8217;t know how to find more information on this stuff? Get it together, man. It&#8217;s 2017.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<iframe src=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/plugins\/like.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.laserfarm.com%2F%3Fp%3D5277&amp;layout=standard&amp;show_faces=true&amp;width=450&amp;action=like&amp;colorscheme=light&amp;height=80\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"0\" style=\"border:none; overflow:hidden; width:450px; height:80px;\" allowTransparency=\"true\"><\/iframe>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The upcoming movie The Dark Tower hopes to bring Stephen King\u2019s complex universe to an even wider audience. But before you head to the theaters, here are a few important things newbies should know about the books. The books were &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=5277\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5280,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[36],"tags":[37,78,8,41,10],"class_list":["post-5277","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-daily-transmission","tag-2017-transmissions","tag-books","tag-list","tag-movies","tag-tips"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/dark-tower-covers1.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5277","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5277"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5277\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5283,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5277\/revisions\/5283"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/5280"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5277"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5277"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5277"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}