{"id":5229,"date":"2017-03-23T14:25:38","date_gmt":"2017-03-23T18:25:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=5229"},"modified":"2017-03-23T14:25:38","modified_gmt":"2017-03-23T18:25:38","slug":"how-to-save-sears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=5229","title":{"rendered":"How to Save Sears"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Mr. Sears:<\/strong><\/p>\n

I was saddened to hear the news that your chain of department stores is in financial straits. I\u2019ve enjoyed your stores and would hate to see yet another retailer devoured by the snake that is online commerce. As such I have drafted a few outside-the-box tactics and tricks that will set Sear back on the sea of profits. <\/p>\n

I\u2019m about to save your entire company, at no cost to you. These are things online retailers can\u2019t do. It\u2019s time to use your advantage!<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how to save Sears:<\/p>\n

Better tasting mirrors in the changing room.<\/strong> Have you tasted your mirrors? Terrible! Surely you can add a nice, zero calorie orange-cream flavor to the mirrors. No other store (online or otherwise) offers such amenities, and this make shoppers flock to your store to see what all the buzz is about. May I recommend a print ad campaign based on the motto, \u201cSears: You\u2019ll like the lick!\u201d <\/p>\n

Escalator sound effects.<\/strong> When going up the escalator, it should sound like rising piano notes. And when going down, it should sound like a trombone or slide-whistle going from high notes to low notes. I don\u2019t know what that kind of music is called. Is that a scale? A crescendo? Not my problem, really. <\/p>\n

Devote a section of the store to Tesla cars.<\/strong> Look, you don\u2019t have to sell many. Just sell like one or two a day and you\u2019d be set. <\/p>\n

Start selling booze. <\/strong>Sears Beer. It\u2019s really messed up that I had to think of this for you. Do you want to fail? Sears Beer. Done. Easy. Sell it by the keg. Next! <\/p>\n

Stop selling coats.<\/strong> No more coats. Coats make people feel bad. They\u2019re big and bulky and too warm and ugly. Get rid of them. If people want coats, they can just make their own out of layers of sweatshirts. Stop selling coats. Waste of space. <\/p>\n

Thursday is pin-trading day!<\/strong> Wear your collectible pins and trade with friends and strangers! <\/p>\n

Cashiers must greet customers by saying, \u201cMy, my, my!\u201d<\/strong> And they have to explain their tattoos and tell you if getting a tattoo hurt. <\/p>\n

Remove the appliance section.<\/strong> Replace it with a recreation of the Central Perk set from Friends<\/em>! That\u2019s Instagram gold. <\/p>\n

Start selling warm lasagna.<\/strong> It\u2019s like Ikea meatballs, but lasagna. Have you met anyone who doesn\u2019t like lasagna? Of course not. Make sure it isn\u2019t hot. Too many lasagna places serve the lasagna lava hot, and that\u2019s why they fail. You can\u2019t enjoy boiling hot lasagna. Make it warm, perhaps a few degrees above room temperature. And sell it in the back of the store, so customers need to walk through the store and admire all your wonderful non-coat merchandise. <\/p>\n

Only use Bitcoin. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Create a new mascot.<\/strong> The mascot should be a Frankenstein and his catchphrase is, \u201cNothing to fear at Sears!\u201d He\u2019ll be the next Pikachu. Guaranteed. I already wrote a screenplay for the movie version of Sears. It\u2019s pretty much just a prequel to Pretty Woman, but that\u2019s what sells. Few minor name changes and it\u2019s about Sears and this Frankenstein monster named Peire. You\u2019ll love it! <\/p>\n

Mix the men\u2019s underpants with the women\u2019s underpants in one sexy deparment.<\/strong> Put all underpants in the same section. It\u2019s time to stop hiding the fact that buying underwear is sexual and lustful. Embrace the sensuality and get everyone to mingle in the same underpant area. It\u2019s 2017. It\u2019s all out there, man. All of it. <\/p>\n

Make your own deviled egg bar. <\/strong>Please read my pitch.<\/a> Then let\u2019s talk specifics. <\/p>\n

Fill the store with live birds.<\/strong> And if a bird lands on something you\u2019re about to buy, you get a 10% discount and a free medium slice of lasagna. <\/p>\n

Make a smartphone app.<\/strong> The app will keep your phone\u2019s camera on always, all of the time, so that our shopping experts can get a better sense of our customers. It\u2019s all about the data! <\/p>\n

Incline the floor very, very slightly so that it leans towards the more expensive stuff.<\/strong> That\u2019s called physiological marketing. <\/p>\n

Free milk if you\u2019re lucky.<\/strong> If our luck experts think you\u2019re lucky, you get free milk. This idea needs some work, but you can see what I\u2019m going for, right? Lucky milk. <\/p>\n

Sell pillows made of denim.<\/strong> Doesn\u2019t that sound fun? <\/p>\n

Thank you for reading my business ideas. Please note: You must use all of the above ideas. It only works if you use them all. All or nothing. Call me and I can walk you through the details. <\/p>\n