{"id":4996,"date":"2017-02-15T15:31:14","date_gmt":"2017-02-15T20:31:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4996"},"modified":"2017-02-15T15:42:32","modified_gmt":"2017-02-15T20:42:32","slug":"theres-a-book-under-my-bed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4996","title":{"rendered":"There’s a Book Under My Bed"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
\nTen years ago, I wrote a book. It\u2019s under my bed. <\/p>\n

It\u2019s not a traditional novel and doesn\u2019t fit well into any specific genre. It\u2019s a little bit adventure story, parody, graphic novel, journal and random jokes all written long-hand (because it\u2019s part graphic novel, remember) on sketch paper. <\/p>\n

It\u2019s about 100 to 150 pages, I think. And it\u2019s not finished. In its current state, it\u2019s more of a blueprint for a novel — a detailed outline of a something bigger and more robust.<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t looked at it in about five years, maybe longer. <\/p>\n

I was proud of it when I first wrote it. I even told friends and family members that I \u201cwas working on a novel.\u201d And that\u2019s crazy for me. I never talk about my work with family. It’s weird. Saying I\u2019m working on a novel is as pretentious as saying, \u201cI\u2019m working on a sculpture,\u201d or \u201cI saw Hamilton <\/em>when Lin Manuel was still staring in it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I had visions of presenting this book to a room full of media executives from Disney, Warner Brothers, Apple, Kraft and maybe even Gillette. I would print out the pages on big paper and mount them to black cardstock and use a pointer to walk the executives through the story. They wouldn\u2019t get it at first, but by the end of the meeting, everyone would be laughing and cheering and there\u2019d be free bagels and a pitcher of ice water that no one uses. <\/p>\n

Then there would be a bidding war for this masterpiece! <\/p>\n

It would be published a year before the movie version was released. The film franchise would spawn a spin-off television series and a line of action figures and board games and soups with my characters as the noodles. <\/p>\n

I would do the talk show rounds, explaining, \u201cI don\u2019t really know where my ideas come from,\u201d and, \u201cWorking with Will Ferrell was a dream.\u201d <\/p>\n

There would be book sequels, of course. And then I\u2019d hand off the writing duties to a young writer while I pursue other projects. But those projects would all crumble and I\u2019d begin to resent the young writer who is now playing God with characters I created in a world once mine. <\/p>\n

There\u2019d be angry emails and phone calls and leaks to the press. Who does this guy think he is? There\u2019d be a lawsuit over the rights of the intellectual property, but it\u2019d be settled out of court leaving no parties truly happy. All bridges burnt. <\/p>\n

I\u2019d begin saying horrible things about people I once loved and my beliefs would become more and more radical with each passing year. Most Tweets begin with \u201cAnd another thing\u2026,\u201d and I\u2019d spend my days standing near my books in a bookstore, telling customers, \u201cYou know who I am?\u201d <\/p>\n

I\u2019d see what drugs tasted like. Surely these narcotics would help generate new ideas for more books and movies! I\u2019d go missing for months only to show up at an airport with a black eye and a limp. Security would ask where I was heading and I\u2019d say, \u201cThey can trace your shoes. You know that, right? That\u2019s how they follow you. They follow the footsteps. Footsteps don\u2019t lie — they multiply.\u201d <\/p>\n

I\u2019d be taken away. <\/p>\n

A few years later I\u2019d be better. Not quite the same, but better. <\/p>\n

I would lie and say the book\/movie series is being rebooted and the internet would go crazy with speculation…even if I made it all up.<\/p>\n

But the lie becomes true!<\/p>\n

There’s renewed interest in the work! A new movie is actually planned! The company that owns the rights to the books pays me a small amount so that I don\u2019t cause trouble. I have to sign a lot of papers, but it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m just glad the characters are is in the hands of someone who wants to tell a quality story. This is the comeback!<\/p>\n

The reboot flops and I go missing again. I\u2019m presumed dead after twenty years. But then I show up at my own funeral! <\/p>\n

There\u2019s another reboot. <\/p>\n

And then I fade away from the spotlight and retire in Florida where I spend most days playing Mario Kart at an old age home. <\/p>\n

Where was I?<\/p>\n

Oh yeah…so I haven\u2019t looked at the book in years.<\/p>\n

I shopped it around to a few agents and publishers and got some wonderful rejections letters. Then I stashed the book under my bed, where it lives now in an unmarked brown folder with a Velcro latch. <\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure if I read through the book now, I\u2019ll hate it. All of it. <\/p>\n

Still…maybe I should dust it off. Give it a quick edit. Maybe add another hundred pages? Turn it into something else? Something big! <\/p>\n

Because there\u2019s a chance I\u2019ll rework this book into something grand and wonderful, I can\u2019t share much of the details. I will show you this one page.
\n\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

This is pure gold! <\/p>\n