{"id":4957,"date":"2017-02-10T14:58:27","date_gmt":"2017-02-10T19:58:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4957"},"modified":"2017-02-10T14:58:27","modified_gmt":"2017-02-10T19:58:27","slug":"coachs-pep-talk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4957","title":{"rendered":"Coach’s Pep Talk"},"content":{"rendered":"

COACH:<\/strong> Listen up. There\u2019s only one person who can take this team to the finals, and that\u2019s me. I\u2019m the guy who can do it. I say what needs to be said and I\u2019ll do what needs to be done. We\u2019re a strong team, but we could be great. And I\u2019ll make this team great. <\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> How coach?<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> First, let me remind you all that I am a very successful dentist. I\u2019m the best dentist in the entire state. No contest. Everyone knows that I\u2019m a great dentist. I have decades of dental experience and have won nine dental awards for dentistry, including the Golden Molar, which I brought with me. Pass this around. [Hands award to the players]<\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> It\u2019s heavy. <\/p>\n

COACH: <\/strong>Do you have any idea how difficult it was to become coach? It wasn\u2019t easy. Every day I was hounded by people saying, \u201cYou\u2019ll never be coach,\u201d or \u201cYou have no coaching experience!\u201d Well, look at me now! I\u2019m coaching my second game of college basketball–<\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> Football, sir. <\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> Football? Okay, good. That\u2019s great. So here I am coaching my second game of football and no one thought I could do it. Everyone said I would fail. But I didn\u2019t fail. And I did it all thanks to my supporters in the Athletics Department who offered me the job because they knew it was time for a change, and I was the person for the job. And know that I got the job because I\u2019m great. It had nothing to do with my best friend sneaking into the office and stealing all the other job applications and resumes. He did that on his own. He just likes to steal applications. Nothing to do with me or how I got this job. And if you say otherwise, that’s slander or libel. You belong in prison. Besides, if the Athletics Department didn\u2019t want the other applications stolen, they shouldn\u2019t have stored them on a computer. Anything on a computer is free to the world. It\u2019s called \u201cthe internet.\u201d Look it up, chumps! Fair game. <\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> Speaking of games, coach, kick-off is in nine minutes. Do you have plays ready?<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> I\u2019m getting to that. But more importantly, I want to know who is keeping score at these games. According to the scoreboard, we lost the last game by 33 points. But that can\u2019t be. That\u2019s not true at all. I saw you guys play. It was amazing. We must have had 100 points in the first half. Easily. But you don\u2019t see that on the scoreboard because they won\u2019t report the true score. The mainstream scorekeepers are biased. It\u2019s obvious. It\u2019s a failed system. They should all be fired. I want a full investigation into the personal lives of the scorekeepers, and can we get an electrical engineer to climb up and take apart the scoreboard? See what\u2019s cooking under there? Because it\u2019s just wrong and false. Totally false. It\u2019s a bad scoreboard. Bad score keeping. Really terrible. <\/p>\n

PLAYER: <\/strong>I was thinking the first play should be a running play, because this team\u2019s defense —<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> Hold on. Did you guys know how high I could jump in college? I could jump so high. I was the best at jumping. Like, nine feet. Remarkable. I bring this up because some think I\u2019m not good enough to be coach. Well…look at my jumping record. Impeccable. I\u2019m the coach. For sure.<\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> No one is calling your jumping skills into question, coach. And we know you\u2019re the coach. No need to remind us. <\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> The refs are biased. We all know that right? They are biased and I have proof that they all meet in a barn and plot our demise. Their frustrated that someone like me, a dentist, could lead this team. They don\u2019t think I belong, so they\u2019ll try everything they can to take me down. They tell me I can\u2019t cheat or that punching is a penalty. They told me I can\u2019t deflate the ball to make it easier to catch. But I\u2019m the coach. They can\u2019t tell me what I can do with the ball. It’s my ball. My school paid for it. Ridiculous. Yes, I deflated the ball today. What are they gonna do about it? They can\u2019t arrest me. I\u2019m the coach. You can\u2019t arrest the coach. And when they say one of your committed a penalty, don\u2019t believe them. Ignore them. Pretend they\u2019re not there. In fact, I want to get rid of all refs. Waste of money. We can ref ourselves. We\u2019ll do it good. Why wouldn\u2019t we? We know the game better than the refs, who don’t even play football<\/em>!<\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> Do we have any plays, coach? <\/p>\n

COACH: <\/strong>Yes. I\u2019m going to stop the other team from going on the field. <\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> That\u2019s…what?<\/p>\n

COACH: <\/strong>We can\u2019t have that team on the field. The team is biased. They just want to win and they have no respect for our goal. None. Terrible group of people. I\u2019m banning them from the field. <\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think you can do that?<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> Also, we can\u2019t let fans into the stadium. That\u2019s just asking for trouble. All the fans must leave. Did you know some of the fans are from towns in which murder was committed? A person can lose sleep thinking of that. Also, if they are allowed in, they will accuse me of things that I have not done. They will say that I win only because I banned the other team from playing. And that\u2019s not true. I never banned the opposing team from playing. Fans are idiots. They don\u2019t understand how football works in the real world. To play football, we must be shielded from the prying eyes of nosey fans and opposing teams. An empty stadium. That\u2019s the play. <\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> Again, I don\u2019t think you\u2019re allowed to —<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> Why? Do you know who the coach of this team is? It\u2019s me. I did it. I am the coach! You cannot deny that I am the coach. Do you see this sash? [Points to sash] What does the sash say? Tell me!<\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> \u201cCoach #1\u201d<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> You\u2019re goddamn right it does. Coach number one. That\u2019s me. That\u2019s what the sash says. Are you denying that the sash exists? <\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> No. But did you make that yourself with glitter and —<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> Okay, so when we get on the field, I want all the players to line up —<\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> Ooh! A real play! Great. So we line up and then what?<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> When you\u2019re lined up, I will march up to the refs and hand them my list of demands. <\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> Demands?<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> First, we should get ten points right away because we\u2019re going to get ten points anyway at some point during the game. So give us the points ahead of time. If they object, I\u2019m sending my adviser out and she\u2019ll explain it. Won\u2019t you, Miss Adviser?<\/p>\n

MISS ADVISER:<\/strong> I won\u2019t not surely agree to the opposite of the matter at hand. And did you know our coach won a Golden Molar award? Why aren\u2019t the refs mentioning this? Why isn\u2019t that on scoreboard? <\/p>\n

COACH: <\/strong>Good point. One more reason why the scoreboard is biased and fake. Fake scores. My second demand is that if we score a goal, the refs must applaud. If they don\u2019t, we’ll know that they are fake and biased criminals. Third demand, I get the corner piece of the brownie pan because I\u2019m coach. I deserve it. Fourth demand, everyone must buy wrapping paper from my cousin’s kid. He’s selling it for school. Great paper. Wraps all kinds of stuff. Buy ten rolls of paper, and guess what, you’re starting quarterback. How ’bout that? That’s coaching! <\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> Are we even going to play the game? It started three minutes ago.<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> What\u2019s the point? The fake scoreboard will tell the biased fans untrue scores. So, no. We\u2019re not playing. Everyone go home. We\u2019ve already won. We won. Absolutely we won. And yes, I am the coach! I am the coach. 100%!<\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> We know you\u2019re the coach. We know you can jump very high. We understand that sometimes fans and other teams say bad things about you. But the game is going to happen. And we just want a coach who can, you know, coach us. Tell us what to do instead of complaining about everything. <\/p>\n

COACH: <\/strong>We\u2019re going to win. We\u2019re going to win so much!<\/p>\n

PLAYER:<\/strong> How?<\/p>\n

COACH:<\/strong> With points. <\/p>\n