{"id":4056,"date":"2016-03-08T15:11:17","date_gmt":"2016-03-08T20:11:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4056"},"modified":"2016-03-08T15:19:28","modified_gmt":"2016-03-08T20:19:28","slug":"blogging-the-chronicles-of-narnia-part-12","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4056","title":{"rendered":"Blogging The Chronicles Of Narnia: Part 12"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Narna<\/a>Chapter 9:<\/strong> In the Witch\u2019s House<\/em>
\nBetter Title:<\/strong> Edmund the Evil<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure why Edmund is evil, but he clearly is. In this chapter, he once again feels sick and repulsed by Aslan\u2019s very name, which leads me to believe he\u2019s genetically prone to evil thoughts and actions, just like serial killers and those who don\u2019t return shopping carts to the shopping cart corral. (I saw you! I saw what you did! I will seek vengeance.)<\/p>\n

Here we see Edmund make his way to the Witch\u2019s castle, all the while cursing his brother and sisters and dreaming of Turkish delights. When he finally reaches the castle, he sees a giant lion staring at him! <\/p>\n

But it\u2019s only a stone lion, one of the Witch\u2019s victims. Edmund assumes this to be Aslan, and so he pulls out a pencil and draws a mustache and glasses on the beast. That\u2019s like burning a cross, peeing in the holy water, or putting celery in tuna salad! <\/p>\n

Edmund makes his way past dozens of stone creatures — dragons, giants, humans, etc., and finally comes to the castle entrance where a wolf greets him. And I like this wolf! HIs name is Maugrim. That\u2019s the best name for an evil wolf. I do hope at this point Maugrim eats Edmund and the rest of the story is about Maugrim doing rad stuff and having evil adventures. <\/p>\n

But I shouldn\u2019t get too attached. Every time I like a fictional wolf, they turn into pedophiles. I\u2019ve been burned…burned hard. [Looks out his office window and presses hand against the cool, glass surface.]<\/p>\n

Maugrim is only in this chapter for a few sentences, but sweet pickle on a pancake, I hope he comes back. <\/p>\n

He brings Edmund to the Witch who is at first furious that Edmund didn\u2019t bring his siblings, but is happy to learn that the children are nearby at the Beaver house. She beckons her sledge and will soon hunt down the children, while Maugrim lopes into the garage and eyes his jetpack affectionately. <\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nWITCH:<\/strong> Did you draw a mustache on that lion?
\nEDMUND:<\/strong> Yep. I\u2019m a real prankster. Ha!
\nWITCH: <\/strong>And did you write, \u201cPoops a\u2019hoy,\u201d in the bathroom?
\nEDMUND:<\/strong> You know it!
\nWITCH: <\/strong>And I assume only a comedic genius such as yourself could have put that thumb tack on my chair.
\nEDMUND:<\/strong> I call that one, \u201cThe Balloon Popper.\u201d Invented that trick myself. I\u2019m a god of comdey.
\nWITCH:<\/strong> And was it you who set fire to the orphanage and poured paint thinner into the hospital\u2019s water supply? And then killed those puppies in the tub?
\nEDMUND:<\/strong> Yep! I\u2019m a hoot, ain\u2019t I? I also made a prank call to this girl I liked, because I\u2019m so very funny!
\nMAUGRIM:<\/strong> Check this out! [Maugrim flies away on his jetpack and lives the rest of his life soaring through the cosmos searching for galactic truths while caring about the only thing that matters — himself.]<\/p>\n

Chapter 10:<\/strong> The Spell Begins to Break <\/em>
\nBetter Title:<\/strong> Um…What?<\/em><\/p>\n

Santa Claus is in this? Santa? Like…the real Santa Claus shows up?<\/p>\n

Is this a joke version of the book. I did buy it used, so there\u2019s a chance it\u2019s not the real book, but instead something a 4th grader wrote. <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then…um…Santa helps them! And then there\u2019s a dirt bike race, and Spider-Man wins!\u201d <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, Santa is a symbol of Christianity, so it plays into the themes of this book. On the other hand, it seems pretty cheap and easy to have Santa roll into town. It takes me out of the story. Because, if Santa can show up, the rules don’t matter. Hell, in the next chapter why not have the children saved by the Fast and Furious gang? They’re just as mythical and powerful as Santa.<\/p>\n

In this chapter, the Beavers lead the children to Aslan, but they need to hurry because the Witch is after them. After a day of running, they all camp out in a hole in the ground, and the next day Santa Claus shows up. <\/p>\n

Will they team up with the Tooth Fairy, too? Is this like The Kingdom Hearts<\/em> of fairy tales? Will the kids visit Jurassic Park and then hang out with The Goonies? Will other characters show up? The Easter Bunny? Tom Sawyer? Rizzo from Grease<\/em>?<\/p>\n

Santa says the Witch\u2019s spell is slowly fading because Aslan is returning. The Witch had turned Santa to stone, which is why it was always winter but never Christmas. And now that he\u2019s free of the spell, Santa quickly hunts down the Witch, slays her with an ax, and wears her severed head as a helmet.<\/p>\n

Or rather, that\u2019s what he should have done. Instead, he gives the children presents. <\/p>\n

What an asshole. <\/p>\n

Look, it\u2019s nice that Santa gives Peter a sword and shield, Susan a bow and arrow, and Lucy a bottle of magic juice, but couldn\u2019t Santa use his Santa powers to just kill the Witch and end this? He\u2019s Santa! <\/p>\n

If he were on the Titanic, he\u2019d give you some Littlest Pet Shops toys instead of saving everyone with his flying reindeer. <\/p>\n

Santa, you be trippin\u2019!<\/p>\n

Also, Santa says women shouldn\u2019t fight in battles. That\u2019s in this book. That\u2019s what it says. It\u2019s surprising that he didn\u2019t ask Susan to go make him meatloaf and bring him a beer while explaining to everyone why you can\u2019t trust a female president because of her \u201cmonthlies.\u201d <\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nSANTA:<\/strong> And here\u2019s a sweater for Susan! Hope it fits. And here are some new hair ties, because I know you were out, and —
\nSUSAN:<\/strong> How\u2019s about you go fly to the Witch\u2019s house, pull a stick of dynamite form your magic sack, and end this?
\nSANTA:<\/strong> Um\u2026
\nSUPERMAN:<\/strong> Hey guys. I heard there was trouble. I\u2019m here to help. Please, take these roller skates and index cards!
\nPETER: <\/strong>What good will those do?
\nSUPERMAN: <\/strong>Roller skates are great for going down the driveway. And the index cards can be used to help you study for the vocab test. Just write the word on one side and —
\nPETER:<\/strong> But you could fight the Witch!
\nDOCTOR WHO:<\/strong> Glad I made it in time! Haha…just kidding. I\u2019m always on time.
\nLUCY:<\/strong> Will you fight the Witch?
\nDOCTOR WHO:<\/strong> Not exactly. I\u2019m here to give you a Starbucks gift card. There\u2019s $12 left on it, I think. I was going to use time travel and my screwdriver to end the Witch\u2019s reign, but pretty sure this gift card will do the trick.
\nIRON MAN:<\/strong> And I\u2019m here to give you this old Gamecube controller. Careful, it\u2019s sticky.
\nGANDALF:<\/strong> And here\u2019s a picture I drew of me at the zoo.
\nINCREDIBLE HULK:<\/strong> Hulk give you basketball pump, but pump need needle. Hulk no have needle. You buy needle. <\/p>\n

This blog is brought to you by Power Pencils<\/a>, the only magical pencils in our universe! <\/em><\/p>\n

New blogs every Tuesday and Thursday! (kinda)<\/strong><\/p>\n

For blogging updates, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Instagram<\/a> and Facebook<\/a>! <\/strong><\/p>\n