{"id":4048,"date":"2016-03-03T18:11:21","date_gmt":"2016-03-03T23:11:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4048"},"modified":"2016-03-03T18:20:23","modified_gmt":"2016-03-03T23:20:23","slug":"4048","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4048","title":{"rendered":"Blogging The Chronicles of Narnia: Part 11"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Narn<\/a>Chapter Seven:<\/strong> A Day With the Beavers<\/em>
\nBetter Title:<\/strong> Try Not To Make a Beaver Joke<\/em><\/p>\n

The children are following the bird to find out what happened to Tumnus, but the bird suddenly stops guiding them. The children realize they\u2019re lost, with no way of knowing how to get back to the magic wardrobe.<\/p>\n

Luckily, a beaver appears and I start laughing because \u201cbeaver\u201d is among our funniest words, a word that is equal parts silly and sexual. Just like \u201cding-dong\u201d and \u201csatan\u2019s love envelope.\u201d <\/p>\n

This is a nice beaver. <\/p>\n

The beaver guides the children into a small area beneath the trees and tells them to follow him. The children have never seen a talking beaver before and so Peter vomits with fear while Susan fills her ears with sticks so she can no longer hear this biological abomination and its nightmarish demon-speak. <\/p>\n

That doesn\u2019t happen. <\/p>\n

The kids don\u2019t seem to mind much that this animal can speak perfect English. Someone makes an all female Ghostbusters<\/em>, and everyone goes bugnuts. But a talking animal? Eh\u2026<\/p>\n

Mr. Beaver tells the children that Tumnus knew he was about to be arrested and so he gave the beaver Lucy\u2019s handkerchief as a sign that Mr. Beaver is a good guy. <\/p>\n

Because these children are more trusting than the substitute teacher who thinks maybe the real teacher does <\/em>let the students have class outside everyday, the kids accept Mr. Beaver\u2019s explanation. <\/p>\n

Of course, Mr. Beaver may have eaten Tumnus and stolen the handkerchief, but you\u2019re thinking about this too much. <\/p>\n

Justin Beaver takes the kids to his home where he and his wife, Mrs. Beaver, prepare a nice fish dinner. <\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nMR. BEAVER:<\/strong> You must come with me.
\nSUSAN:<\/strong> Sure!
\nMR. BEAVER: <\/strong>Oh. Wow. That was easy.
\nSUSAN:<\/strong> Can you hold my wallet for me? I\u2019m worried I\u2019ll drop it. It\u2019s filled with money. Hope that\u2019s okay.
\nMR. BEAVER<\/strong>: Um…listen, kid. Maybe don’t be so trusting. My name is Mr. Beaver. I mean…come on.
\nSUSAN:<\/strong> My Amazon password is TurboSusan9000. Isn\u2019t that weird? Also, my banking pin number is the same number as 1,234!
\nMR. BEAVER: <\/strong>How have you kids survived this long?
\nSUSAN:<\/strong> Well, there used to be nine of us.
\nPETER:<\/strong> Yeah, some of our brothers and sisters died because they were allergic to the Bottle Man\u2019s dog.
\nMR. BEAVER: <\/strong>Who the hell is the Bottle Man?
\nSUSAN:<\/strong> You know. He\u2019s that guy who hangs out at the bus station, but never goes anywhere? And he always talks about his bottles. He asked some of our siblings to help him find his lost dog. And I guess they found the dog but then died. Probably because they were allergic to the dog. They were so allergic that their heads fell off their bodies and were then buried near the bus station.
\nMR. BEAVER:<\/strong> What?! I don\u2019t even…
\nPETER:<\/strong> Anyway, I\u2019d like to be a famous model or singer. Maybe you could take some photos of me for publicity? I really want to be famous, very badly. And I won\u2019t tell my parents because I want them to be surprised! <\/p>\n

Chapter Eight:<\/strong> What Happened After Dinner<\/em>
\nBetter Title:<\/strong> Aslan\u2019s Gonna Kill Edmund<\/em><\/p>\n

I hope Aslan kills Edmund. I hope that\u2019s how the story ends. I hope the lesson here is: Don\u2019t be a dick. But I\u2019m sure that\u2019s not what happens. I\u2019m sure Edmund will find redemption and believe in Jesus and then there\u2019ll be a party with cake and orange drink. <\/p>\n

Mr. Beaver explains that Tumnus has been arrested and taken to the Queen\u2019s home where he will probably be turned into stone. The Queen wants the children because Narnia is to be ruled over by Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve, and while the Queen pretends to be a true human, she is actually a devil woman born of Adam\u2019s first wife Lilith. <\/p>\n

The good news is that Aslan is coming to town. He\u2019s been away for a while. Mr. Beaver doesn\u2019t explain where he went or why, just that his return is a big deal and means big changes are in store for Narnia. <\/p>\n

Aslan could easily kill the current Queen, but for various vague reasons, he won\u2019t. Kinda like how Jesus doesn’t answer your prayers for a parking spot, nor will he prevent your dog from dying. He has his reasons. (Probably because you thought about sex!) <\/p>\n

Mr. Beaver has arranged for the children to meet with Aslan in hopes that Aslan will hear what has happened and then…do things. <\/p>\n

During this conversation, Edmund sneaks out. When the others realize he\u2019s gone, they rush out searching for him, but Mrs. Beaver already knows that he probably went to the evil Queen and told her everything about Aslan\u2019s arrival. <\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nBEAVER:<\/strong> Oh, look who\u2019s back.
\nASLAN:<\/strong> Hey.
\nLUCY:<\/strong> It\u2019s about time, man. The evil queen has made it snow all the time! It\u2019s always winter but never Christmas. It\u2019s terrible!
\nASLAN:<\/strong> Oh, for real? It\u2019s cold? Well that\u2019s just awful. I\u2019m so sorry it took me so long to come back. I mean, I was only in Dimension 3. You know what happens in Dimension 3?
\nLUCY:<\/strong> No.
\nASLAN:<\/strong> Everyone there is starving. There is no food. People have to eat mud or…each other. The animals have all died from Skeletal Flu, a disease with no cure that lasts 20 agonizing years. The lucky have already died. The living pray for death. That\u2019s where I was. But I see it\u2019s cold here. Good thing you called me back or else you\u2019d have to knit yourself a goddamn sweater.
\nPETER: <\/strong>Dude. I\u2019m sorry. I just thought\u2026
\nASLAN:<\/strong> [Makes stupid voice] I\u2019m a kid with stupid hair and I just wanted Christmas pwesents!!! Pwetty pwease! [regular voice] That\u2019s you. That\u2019s you right now.
\nLUCY:<\/strong> Aslan, please. You don\u2019t need to be so\u2026
\nASLAN:<\/strong> Last night I saw a father weep because his young daughter survived another night. They were tears of hopeless sadness. But yeah…let me get you guys a Christmas tree and space heater. By the way, during this conversation, 300 people in Dimension 3 just died of infections. So…yeah. Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the goddamn way!
\n<\/em><\/p>\n

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