{"id":4026,"date":"2016-02-09T17:02:28","date_gmt":"2016-02-09T22:02:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4026"},"modified":"2016-02-09T17:17:50","modified_gmt":"2016-02-09T22:17:50","slug":"blogging-the-chronicles-of-narnia-part-8-beginning-of-the-lion-the-witch-and-the-wardrobe","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=4026","title":{"rendered":"Blogging The Chronicles of Narnia: Part 8 (Beginning of “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Narn<\/a>Chapter One:<\/strong> Lucy Looks Into A Wardrobe<\/em>
\nBetter Title<\/strong>: Careful. If You Go Snooping Around Your Parent\u2019s Closet, You Might Not Like What You Find<\/em><\/p>\n

Welcome to the first blog of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe<\/em>. I thought the previous book was good — a little light on substance, but it was fun and charming and so British that the pages smelled of tea.<\/p>\n

But from what I understand, that was just a prologue of sorts, the bits that establish the world and setting of the real story. That was just the first kill in a horror movie, or the first joke of a Modern Family<\/em> episode. Now it\u2019s time to get into it! <\/p>\n

C.S. Lewis has no time for much backstory here, and quickly crams not only four main character introductions in this chapter, but also the titular wardrobe. Four children, Lucy, Susan, Edmund, and Peter, are sent to live with a relative in the country because it\u2019s WW II and things are scary in London. I don\u2019t know what happened to their parents. Let\u2019s assume they\u2019re dead. <\/p>\n

Lucy is the youngest. I forget who is the oldest. Susan? Whatever. I\u2019ll learn more about the characters later. The kids are bored and do what most bored children do on a rainy day — experiment with alcohol and light Doritos on fire with a match.<\/p>\n

Just kidding. They go exploring around the big house. I\u2019m assuming this is Digory\u2019s house because…duh. But we don\u2019t see much of Diggs, or Polly. In fact, it seems that Digory and Polly aren\u2019t together any longer. Polly isn\u2019t mentioned at all. Uh-oh. I’m beginning to think my “Polly is the Main Character of The Chronicles of Narnia” tattoo was a bit premature. <\/p>\n

The kids find a big room filled with nothing except an old wardrobe. And Lucy goes inside the wardrobe because kids are nosey. If this were a real story set in a real world, exploring a grown-up\u2019s closet would only lead to finding porn, love letters from ex-girlfriends, a box of stale weed, and a blurry photo of…best not to look too closely. <\/p>\n

Lucy notices the wardrobe doesn\u2019t seem to end, as she keeps walking deeper and deeper into the wooden box, past row after row of clothes and until finally…she\u2019s in Narnia! <\/p>\n

This is a terrible way to store clothing. Don\u2019t the clothes get wet when it rains? Doesn\u2019t the wind blow the doors open? Can\u2019t mice, mice infected with Narnia Flu, get into Digory\u2019s house this way? <\/p>\n

Lucy walks into a veritable winter wonderland, and notices a lamp post glowing. And then she meets a faun! <\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nLUCY:<\/strong> There\u2019s such wonderful things in this wardrobe!
\nEDMUND: <\/strong>What do you see?
\nLUCY:<\/strong> There\u2019s a forest and a lamp post…and a creature with hooves and horns and —
\nSUSAN:<\/strong> It\u2019s the devil! She\u2019s found Satan! Lucy is trapped in Hell and Satan is trying to have babies with her! Quick!
\n[Burns wardrobe with Lucy still inside]<\/p>\n

Chapter Two:<\/strong> What Lucy Found There<\/em>
\nBetter Title:<\/strong> Stranger Dangers <\/em><\/p>\n

Lucy and the Faun have a nice chat. The faun is, as if you don\u2019t already know, a half-man\/half-goat creature. If you\u2019ve read my unpublished erotic fur-fiction, Delilah\u2019s Choice<\/em>, you\u2019d know all about fauns. All<\/em>…about them. Everything. If you catch my meaning. I\u2019m also good with writing about sexy Were-Bats, sexy living skeletons, and women in their 30s living in a mythical modern world who are just getting out of a stale relationship and are looking for something more…something…taboo. You can find more of my work in the realm of fantasy erotica at [website redacted] or come to my readings at [warehouse location redacted].<\/p>\n

The faun\u2019s name is Tumnus. I\u2019m not sure if the N is pronounced but I pronounce everything. Sometimes fantasy names are difficult when you read them. Just like the name Nythin, the sexy living skeleton from my erotic novel Daphne\u2019s Desire<\/em>, is pronounced as Nathan. But the sex-beast Craig (part lumberjack\/part tiger) from that same story is pronounced \u201cSee-Rage.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lucy and Tumnus hit it off, and it worries me. <\/p>\n

For the past thirty years we have told children never talk to strangers, but this was in olden times, before kidnapping and CSI was invented, and so Lucy has nothing to fear by acting chummy with nude, naked Tumnus, who\u2019s uncovered lower half must surely show off his anatomical no-no parts. Remember: This is a classic children\u2019s story. Nothing wrong with a naked stranger chatting with a little girl. Yep. Totally cool. <\/p>\n

Tumnus has a great deal of respect for a \u201cDaughter of Eve,\u201d but we learn that there aren\u2019t any humans left in Narnia. What happened to King Frank and Queen Helen? After meeting them for two paragraphs in the last book, I’ve grown so attached. <\/p>\n

Tumnus invites Lucy back to his windowless white van (i.e. his cave), and makes her a cup of “tea.” Lucy says she must be going soon, and Tumnus breaks down crying.<\/p>\n

It seems Tumnus wasn\u2019t such a nice guy after all. He was under orders from the evil Witch to capture any humans he finds. The Witch has cursed Narnia with an everlasting winter because…why not? And Tumnus must do as he was told, but he feels terrible about it. <\/p>\n

Lucy offers him words of compassion, just like Heather (the roommate of the main character from my erotic short story Lisa\u2019s Longing<\/em>) tries to calm Lisa down after she cheats on Tedgar (the bear\/astronaut) with Nuzx (the sexy new guy in town, who\u2019s also part seahorse). If you didn’t go through with it…all the way, did you really commit a crime? (Spoiler: Heather doesn’t think so!) <\/p>\n

Lucy says Tumnus hasn\u2019t yet handed her over to the Witch, so he hasn\u2019t yet done anything wrong. Tumnus agrees and helps Lucy return to the woods where the magic tree is located, and Lucy walks back into the tree and comes out in the wardrobe in the real world. <\/p>\n

Prediction <\/strong>
\nTUMNUS:<\/strong> You shouldn\u2019t talk to strangers.
\nLUCY:<\/strong> That\u2019s silly. Why would a stranger want to hurt me? By the way, I\u2019m going to post my home address and I.D. number up here on this tree. Just in case I forget it. And then I\u2019ll put my spare house key right beneath it, for the sake of convenience.
\nTUMNUS:<\/strong> But someone could steal your identity\u2026or rob your house.
\nLUCY:<\/strong> Nah. Hey, look over there! It\u2019s a stray dog. I\u2019m gonna pet it very fast on the eyes. Dogs love getting petted on the eye!
\nTUMNUS:<\/strong> No!
\nLUCY:<\/strong> And those look like candies in that pill bottle!
\nTUMNUS:<\/strong> You shouldn’t eat things you find in strange pill bottles.
\nLUCY: <\/strong>[eats pills] Nonsense. If it\u2019s candy, yum! And if it\u2019s medicine, it\u2019s good for you. So what\u2019s wrong?
\nTUMNUS:<\/strong> Maybe I should speak to your parent or guardian.
\nLUCY:<\/strong> When I\u2019m old enough to have sex, I know I won\u2019t get pregnant because you can\u2019t get pregnant if it\u2019s your first time.
\nTUMNUS:<\/strong> What? Who told you that? What\u2019s wrong with you? Don\u2019t you know anything?
\nLUCY:<\/strong> Whatever I don\u2019t know, I can learn on the computer by clicking all the helpful things that pop up in my email! The trick is to download whatever happens. [Notices someone else] Hey mister, why are you crying?
\nQUIL:<\/strong> I…I just can’t believe this. This is the best story ever. <\/p>\n

This blog is brought to you by PowePencils.com<\/a>. Magic pencils make wondeful Valentine’s presents, but you won’t get your order in time. So…just get candy or something. <\/em><\/p>\n

New blogs every Tuesday and Thursday!<\/strong><\/p>\n

For blogging updates, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Instagram<\/a> and Facebook<\/a>! <\/strong><\/p>\n