{"id":3987,"date":"2016-01-22T20:45:34","date_gmt":"2016-01-23T01:45:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3987"},"modified":"2016-01-22T20:45:34","modified_gmt":"2016-01-23T01:45:34","slug":"blogging-the-chronicles-of-narnia-part-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3987","title":{"rendered":"Blogging The Chronicles of Narnia: Part 3"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Narn<\/a>Chapter Five:<\/strong>The Deplorable Word<\/em>
\nBetter Title: <\/strong> Stick and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Cease My Existence <\/em><\/p>\n

Dude, we\u2019re like 60 pages in and there ain\u2019t no Narnia! What the hell? I came here for the Narnia and all I get is another chapter of non-Narnian magic realms of mystery and suspense? This book is crap. They should call it The Chronicles of Nosey British Kids.<\/p>\n

Just kidding. I love it. <\/p>\n

The bell was rung, things shook and the tall mannequin woman sprang to life! She\u2019s seven feet tall and looks beautiful, but Polly doesn\u2019t like her. I don\u2019t like her either. I hope she gets kicked in the shins. Does this tall lady get kicked in the shins? Don\u2019t tell. I want to be surprised. <\/p>\n

Tall Woman, who we learn is Queen Jadis of Charn, wants to know which mighty magician has awoken her, and when she finds out it was just silly Diggy, she doesn\u2019t understand how such an insignificant child could have entered this world through the powers of magic. And then not one of the children kicks her in the shins. Booo!<\/p>\n

Queen Jadis takes the children by the hand, and drags them through the city of Charn while explaining that the city once thrived until one day there was a war between her and her sister, and to end the war, Jadis spoke the Deplorable Word, a word so powerful that it destroyed all the people of the city except herself. <\/p>\n

I\u2019ve thought about this, and here are the possible Deplorable Words which could hold such power:<\/p>\n

Chiffon – I hate that word, and I don\u2019t know why.
\nCanker
\nMillipede
\nGeoff – When pronounced like \u201ccough.\u201d
\nMilky
\nMilky Geoff
\nMacro Economics
\nHhnggggggggg-rrrrrng
\nStunk
\nAlgebra
\nY\u2019all-Ready-For-This?
\nSoupy<\/p>\n

If it\u2019s any of those words, I can understand its power. <\/p>\n

One word I have no problem with is \u201cmoist.\u201d To some, it is devil\u2019s speak and that monosyllabic word brings forth tremors and nausea. But I don\u2019t mind it at all. It reminds me of cake. Ahhh…cake. <\/p>\n

But let\u2019s add \u201cmonosyllabic\u201d to this list of possibly evil words because that word sounds like a sloppy bathroom situation. But of all the words in human language, none is as deplorable as “intolerance.” (Please nominate that previous sentence for the \u201cBravest and Most Thoughtful Sentence of 2016 Trophy\u201d and the Pulitzer.)<\/p>\n

Digory is pissed. He wants to know why Queen Jadis went ahead and killed all the regular people, but Jadis doesn\u2019t care. She\u2019s as nasty as she wants to be! Girl power!<\/p>\n

Polly and Digory get the feeling that Jadis isn\u2019t a nice queen, like Taylor Swift. She might be a terrible, evil queen, like Katy Perry. They try to escape but Jadis wants to know where the two are going, and when she finds out about London and Uncle Andrew, she wants to go there and conquer the hell out of that place. <\/p>\n

The children try to escape and quickly touch the rings and…the chapter ends. <\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nDIGORY:<\/strong> You know what\u2019s odd?
\nPOLLY:<\/strong> Your face.
\nDIGORY:<\/strong> The Queen spoke perfect English.
\nPOLLY:<\/strong> You speak English. So you\u2019re odd, too. Burn.
\nDIGORY:<\/strong> [sigh] I get it. We have a back-n-forth thing going on here, Polly. But maybe if we try to figure out why —
\nPOLLY:<\/strong> Hey, you\u2019ve got something on your shirt.
\nDIGORY:<\/strong> Polly\u2026
\nPOLLY:<\/strong> For real. There\u2019s, like, mustard on your shirt.
\nDIGORY:<\/strong> If I look down, do you promise not to flick my head and nose?
\nPOLLY:<\/strong> I would never!
\n[Digory looks down at his shirt. Polly flicks his head and nose]
\nDIGORY:<\/strong> Polly! You promised! [Starts crying]
\nPOLLY:<\/strong> You didn\u2019t let me finish. I was going to say, \u201cI would never…agree to such terms.\u201d Now put on your big boy pants and suck it up, Diggles. We\u2019s got witches to kick. <\/p>\n

Chapter Six:<\/strong> The Beginning of Uncle Andrew\u2019s Troubles<\/em>
\nBetter Title:<\/strong> Don\u2019t Trust the B in Realm #3<\/em><\/p>\n

The children pop up in the lake of The Wood Between Holes (or whatever it\u2019s called), but with them came Queen Jadis, who the kids now call a witch! <\/p>\n

Could this be the Witch from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe<\/em>? Who knows!? Actually, many, many people know because apparently I\u2019m the only one who hasn\u2019t read these books. <\/p>\n

Polly and Digory think it\u2019s best to leave the witch in the Wood Between Holidays (or whatever it\u2019s called), and quickly leap into the pond that will take them home. BUT JADIS LATCHES ON TO DIGORY AND COMES WITH THEM! <\/p>\n

They plop into Uncle Andrew\u2019s study where Jadis quickly takes control of the situation demanding that Uncle Andrew do as she says. Uncle Andrew obeys and hurries out to find Jadis a carriage while the children are left alone with the evil, giant woman. <\/p>\n

Polly ditches Digory, because she\u2019s useless. Or maybe she\u2019s just scared and tired of this witch. Either way, she leaves the room and heads back home, but only after promising to come back and discuss things with Digory. <\/p>\n

The chapter shifts to focus on Uncle Andrew who puts on his best clothes for the new witch in his house. He\u2019s giddy and can\u2019t wait to see what happens next. He\u2019s about to leave and get Jadis a cab, but he stops at the door when his wife, Aunt Letty — who is, for some reason, mending a mattress — asks what the hell is going on. <\/p>\n

But before Andrew can explain, the witch appears at the front door! Oh noes!<\/p>\n

I love this book so far! Love it! <\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nANDREW:<\/strong> Um…don\u2019t mind that giant woman. She\u2019s just a friend.
\nAUNT LETTY:<\/strong> A friend?
\nANDREW:<\/strong> She\u2019s a witch, ok. But don\u2019t be so weird about it. She\u2019s cool. Everything is cool.
\nLETTY:<\/strong> Come on, Andy. You can\u2019t bring witches into this house and\u2026
\nANDREW:<\/strong> What the bloody hell are you doing?
\nLETTY:<\/strong> What? I\u2019m just mending a mattress.
\nANDREW:<\/strong> What happened to the mattress?
\nLETTY:<\/strong> Um…stuff. None of your business.
\nANDREW:<\/strong> Well, if you have business that is none of mine, than I\u2019m allowed to have business that is none of yours. I have a witch, and you have a busted mattress. Let\u2019s agree to keep our secrets secret, shall we?
\nLETTY:<\/strong> Very well. <\/p>\n

[Aunt Letty\u2019s story continues in The Chronicles of Mattress Buster<\/em>, a 9-part erotic tale of magical \u201cportals\u201d and a woman\u2019s self-discovery.] <\/p>\n

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