{"id":3629,"date":"2015-12-04T15:40:59","date_gmt":"2015-12-04T20:40:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3629"},"modified":"2015-12-04T16:29:31","modified_gmt":"2015-12-04T21:29:31","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-twenty-four-the-grand-finale","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3629","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Twenty-Four (The Grand Finale!)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Twi<\/a>Chapter Twenty-Four: The Change<\/em>
\nBetter Title: Beau Hates His Parents <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Yep, he\u2019s a vampire. After the last chapter I was 59% sure this chapter would open with Beau staying human thanks to some sort of vampire anti-venom or prophecy. But he\u2019s a vampire — a real vampire. <\/p>\n

The transformation period, which seemed to last for half of Breaking Dawn<\/em> and most of my adult life, is described in a scant few pages here. Beau suffers through the fevers and the pain, but comes out the other side rather quickly and without ANY need for human blood. <\/p>\n

Even Bella, the strongest and most wonderful of all vampires, needed to suck down a few pints of human juice to get through the transformation and\/or pregnancy, but after Beau\u2019s heart stops and his skin goes cold, he doesn\u2019t crave so much as a cherry Slurpee. <\/p>\n

The Dan from five years ago would then throw this book down the cave and yell, \u201cTake it back, Satan! Take it back!\u201d But now I\u2019m older and wiser and I knew this book would be complete cat puke. <\/p>\n

Beau can easily change into a vampire? Cool. Whatever. It makes sense. <\/p>\n

Clearly Beau is stronger and better because he\u2019s a man, and this book has taught me that men are great and superior to all women folk. Well done, Ms. Meyer! Message received! Now go back to the kitchen and make me meatball sandwiches, woman! <\/p>\n

Actually, I think the real reason Beau\u2019s transformation isn\u2019t as horrific or dramatic as Bella\u2019s is that Meyer simply ran out of room and creative steam. She got to the end and needed to wrap it all up, so she used her author powers, and two cups of misogyny, to write away anything that might be difficult to explain. <\/p>\n

During the transformation process, every Cullen member sits beside Beau and explains their backstory. That was easy. No more chapters of flashbacks. This is all so goddamn convenient. This is exactly the worst kind of exposition — shoving it all in one chapter at the end. <\/p>\n

So we learn about Jessamine and Eleanor. And for reasons I’m defining as “just end this already,” Royal seems totally cool with Beau. No more conflict here. Just keep moving, folks. <\/p>\n

But wait. It gets more forced. <\/p>\n

We\u2019re also told that werewolves are real. This is dropped into the chapter like a yo-yo. Here’s some werewolf stuff…and there it goes away again. There’s no real details to anything, and Beau barely reacts. This chapter is basically a list of things Beau would need to know. There are actual shopping lists more dynamic and exciting than this.<\/p>\n

Next on the list, the Volturi. There\u2019s one hefty paragraph here about the Italian vampires and what happened to Aro and how Aro\u2019s wife become the leader. There\u2019s talk of a vampire who can steal the powers of other vampires and then another vampire whose power is to give powers to other vampires. It\u2019s the worst. <\/p>\n

Meyer took an interesting concept like the Volturi and ruined it even more with a near run-on sentence about things THAT DON\u2019T MATTER TO THE STORY! <\/p>\n

Who cares about Aro at this point? We didn\u2019t even know Aro was a character until this lone, out-of-place paragraph. Clearly this is for the die-hard Twilight fans, a group that never invites me to their cupcake breakfasts. (Whatever! I\u2019ll eat my own cupcakes at my own cupcake breakfast! And I’m making hats and everything!) <\/p>\n

And last on the list, Beau can never talk to his parents ever again. No biggie. <\/p>\n

All this exposition and explanation takes place while Beau is recovering from the transformation. He sits there while other talk at him. Have you ever been stuck in the car with your dad and he just starts telling you about his work? This feels like that. Shut up Dad! I don\u2019t care about your work friends. I don\u2019t even know them. Who the hell is Gary? Why would I know who Gary is? How would I know that Gary hates spicy food? <\/p>\n

After becoming a perfect, handsome vampire with muscles, Beau\u2019s first order of business is to go hunting with Edythe. He loves his new strength and speed! But they don\u2019t actually kill any animals. Instead Edythe tells Beau how sorry she is for everything. <\/p>\n

Beau can never see his parents again, because of the vampire rules of secrecy, and Edythe feels terrible about that. It\u2019s a very real situation with very real drama. How would you feel about never seeing you parents?<\/p>\n

But Beau don\u2019t care. Beau don\u2019t give a shit. Beau just wants to kiss and jump in the forest. <\/p>\n

Sure, he ended things with his dad via a screaming match about how Forks was a pathetic town filled with pathetic people, but Beau is fine with it. Even when Edythe pushes the issue, nearly saying, \u201cDude, you need to deal with this emotionally,\u201d Beau just giggles and jumps. <\/p>\n

I hate <\/em>Beau. <\/p>\n

So we never see Beau drink blood…any blood. Seems like a pretty big part of becoming a vampire would be the first time you drink blood. But let’s not worry about that. Moving on…<\/p>\n

And then we get the Epilogue<\/strong>! <\/p>\n

In the final pages of the book, we witness Beau\u2019s fake funeral. Beau watches with Edythe from a safe distance. The Cullens faked Beau\u2019s death by trashing his truck and using someone else\u2019s corpse. At the funeral, everyone is super bummed, except Eleanor, who thinks this whole thing is funny. I agree. This is funny. I love Eleanor. <\/p>\n

While watching from far away, Edythe says her family will tell everyone that she was too distraught to attend the funeral herself, and this distraught feeling will help explain why Edythe will be \u201chome schooled\u201d next year. <\/p>\n

What?<\/p>\n

Why are the Cullens sticking around Forks for another freakin\u2019 year? Beau is with them! Though he looks sexier, he\u2019s still Beau. Someone could see him? Someone could find out what\u2019s going on! Is Beau going to spend the year inside playing Mario Kart? Why don\u2019t the Cullens just pack up and go to North Dakota while Eleanor comes to my house? <\/p>\n

Have you ever noticed that the Cullens are straight-up idiots when it comes to plans? The Rugrats had more intelligent schemes than this gaggle of pretty morons. <\/p>\n

Naturally, Beau\u2019s parents aren\u2019t taking this well. Of course they\u2019re not. They think their son died and will never know the truth. But hey, at least Beau is good at jumping now, and has pretty eyes. <\/p>\n

Bonnie and Julie are at the funeral, and Bonnie notices something in the distance. Clearly Bon-Bon and Jules are suspicious. <\/p>\n

When Edythe and Beau return to the Cullen house, they find three giant werewolves standing in the living room. <\/p>\n

WEREWOLVES!!!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh, how I like them werewolves. Werewolves are amazing. They are here to protect us. They don\u2019t trust vampires. And they just look cool! Of course, all that good stuff is negated by their penchant for dating toddlers and newborn babies, but let\u2019s focus on the good right now. Besides, if these book deter from the original, that means there\u2019s a chance Julie won\u2019t fall in love with a fetus and Lady-Quil never dates someone who still needs the chubby pencil to write. <\/p>\n

The wolves have come because they think the Cullens killed Beau. And then there\u2019s, like, five pages of unnecessary words as the Cullens and Beau explain that the Cullens didn\u2019t kill him, they saved him. <\/p>\n

Bonnie thinks Beau made a terrible mistake, but Beau explains that he would have died for real if the Cullens didn\u2019t save him. In a tearful moment of goodbye, Beau asks Bonnie to keep an eye on his dad and to tell Julie what really happened. <\/p>\n

And then the book ends with Beau saying something about forever. And he proposes to Edythe. <\/p>\n

Final Thoughts:<\/strong>
\nWe all know what Life and Death<\/em> truly is — a paycheck for Ms. Meyer. This was never about gender equality; it was a gimmick to get people to pay $30 for a book they already own. <\/p>\n

The gender swap could have been interesting and fun, but then again, Twilight <\/em>itself could have been interesting and fun. But this is Stephenie \u201cMurmur\u201d Meyer\u2019s work and as such, it\u2019s a failure. It would have been better if Beau acted more like a genuine cocky teenage boy and then Edythe comes along and puts him in his place. In fact, there are countless ways to make this better AND illustrate gender roles in fiction. Instead, we got a nearly word-for-word remake of Twilight<\/em>. <\/p>\n

Will there be more Twilight <\/em>books? I hope not. I\u2019d only be interested if the story was significantly changed, or it was an entirely new story. I don\u2019t want Twilight <\/em>from Edward\u2019s point of view, or Twilight <\/em>with extra pickles. I want something…else.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll keep blogging books, though. Not sure what\u2019s next. I\u2019m leaning towards The Chronicles of Narnia<\/em>, because I\u2019ve never read them and it sounds cool. <\/p>\n

I\u2019m taking a week or so off from blogging books. I need to focus on what\u2019s really important: Lego Advent Calendars<\/a> and selling magic pencils<\/a>. But I\u2019ll be back with a new blog before Christmas…hopefully. <\/p>\n

Thanks for reading through Twilight <\/em>(again) with me. The book was terrible, but I had fun. Hope you did too. <\/p>\n

I\u2019ll be auctioning off all my Twilight books and donating the money to charity. Stay tuned for news on that. (Maybe next week?) <\/p>\n

You are my life now!<\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mumbles\/Mutters: 3
\nGrand Total: 94 <\/strong>(Damn. Thought we\u2019d crack 100, at least.) <\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nBEAU: <\/strong>It\u2019s pretty great that everything worked out.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Yep.
\nBELLA SWAN:<\/strong> What the hell is this crap?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Who are you?
\nBELLA:<\/strong> I\u2019m the scary bitch about to make your mind hurt — that\u2019s who! What\u2019s all this about big boy Beau here getting vampire powers in the first book? You guys had, like, half a date and now you\u2019re a vampire and getting married? What the crow? Do you know what I went through? You know how I got my vampire powers?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I went through a lot, too. One time I fell playing volley—
\nBELLA:<\/strong> Really? I spent hours and days begging my boyfriend to turn me into a vampire! I nearly died like eight thousand times! His own brother tried to kill me once, and even that wasn\u2019t enough to get him to give me my vampire license. And then…only when the ivory god gets me knocked up, and after months of agonizing misery and suffering, and after he rips our child out my belly with his teeth…then he deems me worthy of being a vampire.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Sorry?
\nBELLA:<\/strong> But wait! I also needed to drink human blood. You know what that does to a person\u2019s mind? I DRANK SOMEONE! And you become a vampire and it\u2019s all, \u201cLet\u2019s go leaping in the jungle and hold handsies!\u201d
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Listen, I really think —
\nBELLA:<\/strong> Shut up, dimples. Hey, I think they mailman just delivered the mail. You better go make him a vampire.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t have it easy. I had lots of —
\nBELLA:<\/strong> My boyfriend left me. My soulmate left my human ass. He would rather break my heart than turn me into a vampire. You know what that feels like? You know the cold slap of absolute rejection?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I —
\nBELLA: <\/strong>Of course not! You\u2019ve never broken up with anyone! You get everything you want whenever the hell you want.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> You need to step off, lady.
\nBELLA:<\/strong> How\u2019s about you back the hell up before my creepy-ass brother-in-law goes full-blown SIDEWAYS all up on your face.
\nJASPER:<\/strong> Sideways!
\nBELLA:<\/strong> That\u2019s right!
\nEDWARD:<\/strong> Honey, please. You\u2019re causing a scene.
\nBELLA:<\/strong> Oh great. Mr. Alabaster is here to tell me to calm the hell down. Typical man. Go wait in the van, Eddie. This ain\u2019t even \u2018bout you! Now excuse me while I sideways these spoiled brats into pieces.
\nEDWARD<\/strong>: Very well, my lamb. May I play the radio?
\nBELLA:<\/strong> You may certainly not. And I thought I told you to take off your shirt!
\nJACOB:<\/strong> My wife is now the size of a giraffe. I’m getting worried.
\nQUIL:<\/strong> They grow up so fast. My girlfriend isn’t afraid of the toilet anymore. But we did see Inside Out<\/em> and now she thinks there are people in her head and if she drinks water they’ll drown.<\/p>\n

This series of blogs has been brought to you buy PowerPencils.com<\/a>! I’m quite proud of these magic pencils and funny signs, and ordering from my store helps support this website. Plus, the world is a better place with wizard pencils. <\/em><\/p>\n

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Facebook <\/a>and Instagram<\/a>!<\/p>\n