{"id":3546,"date":"2015-11-23T18:46:33","date_gmt":"2015-11-23T23:46:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3546"},"modified":"2015-11-23T19:01:25","modified_gmt":"2015-11-24T00:01:25","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-twenty","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3546","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Twenty"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"twi<\/a>Chapter Twenty: Impatient<\/em>
\nBetter Title: Bromance Brewing<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how Stephenie Meyer would write a joke:<\/p>\n

Q: <\/strong>What happens when you cross a hot dog with a birdcage?
\nA:<\/strong> The punchline was announced elsewhere. You needn\u2019t worry about such things.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s how this chapter feels. Instead of showing us the hunt, instead of describing how Eleanor and Edythe try to catch the evil vampire Joss, the author instead focuses on how Beau deals with an empty hotel room. <\/p>\n

Instead of showing us Eleanor fighting Joss in the mountains while thunder cracks and wolves howl, we\u2019re treated to Beau describing a digital clock. A digital clock?!! I didn\u2019t sludge through all 200-plus pages of this boo-hoo tale of misery just so I could listen to a boring person tell another boring person that Eleanor is doing rad stuff. I WANT TO SEE IT! Show me! <\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I hate this book. And gender swapping doesn’t make this suddenly interesting and brave. Sure, Beau isn’t a damsel in distress, but he’s the male version…a dumsel? And a dumsel in distress isn’t provocative and new if you don’t SHOW US WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING! Show us the mighty women warriors be mighty and warrish! <\/p>\n

Here we find Beau in Phoenix after a long car ride with Archie and Jessamine. While thrilling action is taking place 1,000 miles away, we get a chapter in which Archie and Beau become bro-dudes. Archie, using super powers more idiotic and inexplicable than whatever it is the Scarlet Witch did in the recent Avengers movie, informs Beau that in the future, they will be best friends forever! It\u2019s nice that Beau has a friend, but can\u2019t you show us Eleanor and Edythe right now?<\/p>\n

Like a little kid at a parade, I’m trying to see the good stuff but can’t. I want Stephenie Meyer to hoist me on her shoulders and show me what’s happening, show me the vampires being heroic and strong. And then I want popcorn! Please? Can we? Can we, please? <\/p>\n

I get it. This story is from Beau\u2019s POV, so that means it wouldn\u2019t make sense to cut to the action up North. But it\u2019s still frustrating and annoying. We get bits and pieces of information from Archie\u2019s super power and a few phone calls, but imagine if your Aunt Cindy just saw the newest Star Wars movie and she\u2019s going to talk you through the action. Screw you, Cindy! I want to see it for myself! <\/p>\n

You say, “Ah, Mr. Bergstein. That’s the point. You are truly feeling what Beau is feeling. He doesn’t know what’s happening and it drives him crazy. As such, this is a brilliant chapter of brillance.” <\/p>\n

In the hands of another writer, I might agree with you. But Stephenie Meyer left out the good stuff not because she’s a cunning author, but because she’s lazy and couldn’t be bothered with action scenes. For more on this, please see the ending of every other Twilight book and movie. <\/p>\n

With nothing to do but literally describe digital clocks, Archie breaks the silence by (sort of) talking about his mysterious past. He doesn\u2019t remember his time before being a vampire. That’s cool. I can’t remember ANYTHING that happened in Eclipse<\/em>. <\/p>\n

What happened in Eclipse<\/em>? I wanna say the story was about a circus bear, but that can\u2019t be right. If you can tell me what happened in Eclipse<\/em>, I\u2019ll give you 9 Dan Points. (Answer must rhyme and contain the word \u201cpudding.\u201d) <\/p>\n

Through confusing, stunted dialogue, Beau finally asks how a human becomes a vampire, and Archie explains vampire venom. What is vampire venom? Well, according to Archie, it\u2019s venom…that vampires have. And that\u2019s all we\u2019ll ever need to know about that. <\/p>\n

“Where does the venom come from?” Um…inside. I guess. <\/p>\n

“How do vampires transmit the venom?” Um…through their mouths, I guess.<\/p>\n

“Does it come out of there teeth? Or just in their saliva or something? Is it always in their saliva? Or do they squirt it out when needed?” Shut up! I don\u2019t know, alright!? <\/p>\n

Archie says it\u2019s very painful for someone to become a vampire, and I agree. I had to suffer through all of Breaking Dawn<\/em> and it hurt so bad that the only cure was prescription-strength Breaking Bad<\/em>. (Good writing defeats bad writing!) <\/p>\n

And then Archie gets a bad vision. Something will happen in a room filled with mirrors and a VCR!!! Along with forgetting the entirety of Eclipse<\/em>, I also forgot about this VCR plan. Now I\u2019m laughing and crying at the same time. I can’t stop. <\/p>\n

There\u2019s a phone call, and Edythe says Joss is no longer up North. Beau realizes the room of mirrors is the ballet studio where his mom used to teach right there in Phoenix! It\u2019s all coming together! <\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 1
\nTotal: 90<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nARCHIE:<\/strong> I see a room of mirrors. And…there\u2019s something…wooden.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> How do your powers work, again?
\nARCHIE:<\/strong> I can see the future. But not really.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> How?
\nARCHIE: <\/strong>Vampire venom.
\nJESSAMINE:<\/strong> It makes sense, if you don\u2019t think about it.
\nARCHIE:<\/strong> A lot of vampire powers don\u2019t make sense. And there are some Italian vampires with crazy-stupid powers.
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> Nuh-uh! Italian vampires have the best powers and they always make lots of sense! For instance, there\u2019s an Italian vampire who works as a plumber, but when he eats flowers, he can shoot fire from his fingers. But if touches a turtle, he loses his powers. It makes sense. It\u2019s all because of vampire venom and chromosomes. That\u2019s why he can\u2019t touch my turtle. It\u2019s totes viper, for real.
\nBEAU: <\/strong>How did you get in here?
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> Vampire venom. <\/p>\n

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