{"id":3520,"date":"2015-11-11T15:43:16","date_gmt":"2015-11-11T20:43:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3520"},"modified":"2015-11-11T15:58:15","modified_gmt":"2015-11-11T20:58:15","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-sixteen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3520","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Sixteen"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Twi<\/a>Chapter Sixteen: Carine<\/em>
\nBetter Title: Marcus!<\/em> <\/strong><\/p>\n

The idea of The Volturi is a good one — a secret, byzantine order of ancient vampires hidden in old European locales who have strict codes of conduct and blur the line between monsters and dignitaries. It sounds like a terrific Guillermo del Toro movie. <\/p>\n

But Stephenie Meyer\u2019s brain is like a Instagram filter that ruins good ideas with pathetic effects. The result is a subplot that\u2019s boring when it should be intriguing and funny when it should be scary. She ruins everything. If Stephenie Meyer had an idea for a cheesecake, it would be filled with raisins and have toothpaste icing. <\/p>\n

In this chapter, Edythe delves further into Carine\u2019s backstory and I realize the word \u201cdelve\u201d is fun to say. Delve. Sounds like a forbidden number that hides between 12 and 13. From now on, let\u2019s all agree to call 12.5, delve. And 12:30 will now be delve o\u2019clock. Deal?<\/p>\n

Carine\u2019s backstory is cool, but, of course, is a pinata filled with cliche candy. After Dr. Care-Bear Cullen was bitten, she refused to bite humans and lived a wild life in the London sewers before swimming to France and then heading to Italy. That story of a good vampire roaming Europe has all the markings of a quality AMC TV show for Mature Audiences. The story could be better than The Walking Dead<\/em> because it would actually have a conclusion. <\/p>\n

Speaking of The Walking Dead<\/em>…<\/p>\n

THE WALKING DEAD<\/em> IS JUST DEPRESSING! It\u2019s porn for people who hate feeling good. It\u2019s just miserable. It\u2019s the fictional version of the shelter dog commercial, minus the Sarah McLachlan song. (And ten points to me for spelling McLachlan right!) I liked The Walking Dead<\/em> at first, but after four seasons, I realized this show is just going to slowly crawl along like a decaying zombie. There is no end! There will never be a satisfying conclusion to that narrative!! It\u2019s all just death and moaning! Every episode needs to come with a happy, friendly Hallmark card and a hug. <\/p>\n

Game of Thrones<\/em>, you’d better end well or else I\u2019m putting you on the list too.<\/p>\n

Back to Carine. In Italy she met up with the Volturi and appreciated their sophisticated take on vampire culture, though she objected to the diet. There is a good chance I read this wrong, so please forgive me, but I think the Volturi have been slightly gender swapped this time around. <\/p>\n

Edythe says the head vampires are: <\/p>\n

Sulpicia<\/p>\n

Athenodora <\/p>\n

And…Marcus! Marcus is back, and he\u2019s still a man!? <\/p>\n

Or is he a woman <\/em>named Marcus? Maybe they call her Markie. That\u2019d be cute. <\/p>\n

No matter the gender, Marcus is awesome…at least in my mind. In the books I don\u2019t think he does much besides tell Aro that Bella and Edward like each other, which is akin to having the observational power to know that ice cubes are cold and Miley Cyrus enjoys pot. <\/p>\n

But in my mind, where the books glow with the fire of jetpacks, Marcus is the silly uncle who shows up drunk during the holidays carrying a banjo that he\u2019ll never play. I love ya, Markie. You be you, man. You be you! <\/p>\n

While Carine was in Italy, she took an interest in medicine and became a nurse, because this was before women could be doctors. (See how the book is teaching us?!) She came to America because she wanted to change things up and was tired of the Volturi killing people. She could have reported them to the police, saving countless lives, but for more on why the Cullens are worthless sacks of garbage who are accessories to millions of murders, hunt down most every Blogging Twilight I\u2019ve written since the end of New Moon<\/em>. <\/p>\n

In America, Carine saved Edythe and the two then wrangled up a family of followers including Eleanor, who isn\u2019t in this chapter because she\u2019s probably securing the perimeter at the real-life Jurassic Park. <\/p>\n

Towards the end of the chapter, Edythe and Beau talk about love and Beau says he\u2019s not afraid of her. Then Edythe growls and pounces on Beau in a playful manner. She can\u2019t have sex with Beau for fear that she\u2019ll lose control, but roughhousing and baring her teeth is a-ok. Makes sense. [Sarcasm hand]<\/p>\n

Archie and Jessamine pop into the room and say there\u2019s going to be a storm tonight, which means the vampires can play baseball. <\/p>\n

If I recall correctly, I liked the upcoming baseball scene. But now that genders have been swapped, I just don\u2019t know how to feel…<\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mumbles\/Mutters: 2
\nTotal: 73<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nEDYTHE: <\/strong>We have visitors from Italy. I want you to meet Sulpicia, she is queen of all vampires.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Nice to meet you.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> And this is Athenodora — she is wise and powerful.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Hello. And who\u2019s that guy? The one on the Segway scooter?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> That\u2019s just Marcus. He\u2019s the third-most powerful vampire of them all.
\nBEAU: <\/strong>Hi Marcus.
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> Not yet, but it\u2019s early. BOOM!
\nEDYTHE: <\/strong>Marcus, this is my boyfriend Beau.
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> Psst…I think Beau has a crush on you, Edythe.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019re dating. So…
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> Cool. Cool. Just letting you know. So, anyone wanna buy a jetski? I know a guy trying to sell a jetski.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Um…no thanks.
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> If you give me a dollar, I\u2019ll tell you who has a crush on your dad.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Eww. No.
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> Nine dollars?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> \u2026
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> I wear my gym shorts under my cloak so I don\u2019t have to change in the locker room.
\nBEAU: <\/strong>What locker room? What are you talking about?
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> I\u2019m a powerful vampire with powers. [Stands on tiptoes] I’m so freakin’ viper!
\nBEAU:<\/strong> [Murmurs to Edythe]<\/em> And he\u2019s the third most powerful vampire of them all?
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> Did you know that Prince Harry is attracted to Selena Gomez? Hey Sulpicia, what happens if I behave on this trip? Tell them what happens.
\nSULPICIA: <\/strong>If Marcus behaves on this trip, he\u2019s getting a turtle.
\nMARCUS:<\/strong> You\u2019re goddamn right, I am.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I expected the vampire leaders to be…I don’t know what I expected. <\/p>\n

[Marcus grabs Athenodora’s lip balm from her backpack]<\/em><\/p>\n

ATHENODORA:<\/strong> Swiper, no swiping!
\nQUIL:<\/strong> Hey, Dora. My boyfriend is a huge, huge fan. Can I have your autograph? <\/p>\n

This blog is brought to you by PowerPencils.com<\/strong><\/a>! There are now 18 Power Pencils to choose from:<\/em><\/p>\n

Series One<\/strong><\/a> (Limited quantities left!)
\nPencil of Desire<\/strong><\/a> – Grants wishes.
\nDragon Pencil<\/strong><\/a> – Summons dragons.
\nPencil of Wisdom<\/strong><\/a> – Has all the answers.
\nPencil of Wrath<\/strong><\/a> – Break this pencil when you need it most.
\nPencil of Necromancy <\/strong><\/a>– Talks to g-g-ghosts!
\nPencil of Ideas<\/strong><\/a> – Filled with great ideas.
\nWinter Warrior Pencil<\/strong><\/a> – Will fight the seven evils of winter!<\/p>\n

Series Two<\/strong><\/a>
\nPencil of Treasure <\/strong><\/a>– Use it to draw maps and find treasure.
\nPencil of Love<\/a><\/strong> – No one can resist love letters authored with this romantic instrument.
\nPencil of Portals <\/strong><\/a>– Opens doorways to other realms. (Wear goggles!)
\nBorrower\u2019s Pencil<\/strong><\/a> – Lend this pencil to friends and enemies. If it\u2019s not returned, things occur.
\nPencil of Art<\/strong><\/a> – Everything created with this pencil is a true work of art.
\nPencil of Speed<\/strong><\/a> – Write a novel in a single day! Complete work faster than light!<\/p>\n

Series Three<\/strong>
\nPencil of Metamorphosis<\/strong><\/a> – Transform yourself into…anything.
\nPencil of Telepathy<\/strong><\/a> – Acts as an antenna, picking up thoughts of those around you.
\nPencil of Shadows<\/strong> <\/a>– An evil pencil. Do not use!
\nPencil of Time<\/strong><\/a> – Cracks the time barrier and venture into the past or future!
\nPencil of Dreams<\/a><\/strong> – Create your own dreams with this relaxation pencil.
\nDecember Pencil<\/strong> – Coming soon!<\/em> <\/p>\n

New Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!<\/strong><\/p>\n

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Facebook <\/a>and Instagram<\/a>! <\/p>\n