{"id":3511,"date":"2015-11-09T17:41:54","date_gmt":"2015-11-09T22:41:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3511"},"modified":"2015-11-09T17:48:50","modified_gmt":"2015-11-09T22:48:50","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-fifteen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3511","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Fifteen"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Twi<\/a>Chapter Fifteen: The Cullens <\/em>
\nBetter Title: Where\u2019s Eleanor?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

First, and most importantly, after many weeks of sleepless nights, and long conversations with my own ceiling, I have decided to open the Star Wars Lego Advent calendar this year. Yay! It\u2019s going to be fun, especially since this December will be crazy with Star Wars stuff! <\/p>\n

The calendar shall be opened beginning December 1st, right here on LaserFarm.com. If this is your first time experiencing the calendar, please take a few hours and weeks and read through the previous blogs. <\/p>\n

Year One<\/strong><\/a>
\nYear Two<\/strong><\/a>
\nYear Three<\/strong><\/a> – The most terrible year. Still angry.
\nYear Four<\/strong><\/a>
\nYear Five<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t have the time to read through all that, here\u2019s the gist: I want a Lego Mrs. Claus. I know I won\u2019t get one again this year, but there\u2019s always hope. Right? RIGHT? Is this hopeless?<\/p>\n

Speaking of hopeless…Twilight is bad. Here\u2019s why this chapter is wrong. <\/p>\n

It begins with Beau waking up and being filled with joy because Edythe has stayed the night and watched him sleep. This was written before smartphones, so I\u2019m not sure what Edythe does all night. <\/p>\n

Is she literally sitting there, watching Beau? She didn\u2019t bring a magazine or anything? I\u2019m reminded of the Seinfeld <\/em>episode in which Elaine\u2019s boyfriend, David Puddy, just sits and looks straight ahead during an airplane flight. Elaine asks if he\u2019s going to read something or listen to music and just says, \u201cNo.\u201d He\u2019s going to simply sit. This causes Elaine and Puddy to break up. <\/p>\n

I get that Edythe is wrapped up in all that is Beau, but come on. She has to be bored. You can love something and still get bored watching it. I get bored watching popcorn pop in the microwave, and I love<\/em> popcorn. <\/p>\n

Hate to say it, but I don\u2019t think this story is realistic. <\/p>\n

So Edythe and Beau are having a cutesy-cute morning and we all say \u201cAww!\u201d while they chat about breakfast and Beau says, “I love you,” and Edythe says, “You are my life now.”<\/p>\n

As you probably know if you’ve followed my social media life, I still use “You are my life now.” Always, and forever. It’s still ridiculous.<\/p>\n

Beau eats a bowl of cereal and he nearly chokes but then…I\u2019m opening the Star Wars Calendar! Is it December yet?! Can I open it early? WHY NOT?! Maybe I\u2019ll get a Christmas Chewbacca! If you open a different calendar, and you get a Mrs. Claus, wanna trade? I\u2019ll trade you something good! What do you think will be behind the first day? Don’t answer that. That was a friendship test. DON\u2019T SPOIL THIS FOR ME!<\/em> I try my best to not even look at the box. My girlfriend wraps the box so I can\u2019t peek at the cover art, because the cover art will ruin the magic and Christmas! ONE TIME I GOT A NAKED SANTA!<\/em> And one time I got a jetpack astronaut! December is so far! It\u2019s not fair! Star Wars! <\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to regret asking this, because even typing it might make it somehow come true, but can you imagine a Lego Twilight Advent Calendar?<\/p>\n

Day 1: <\/strong>Lego Bella
\nDay 2:<\/strong> Bella\u2019s Truck
\nDay 3: <\/strong>It\u2019s empty because of love and feelings. Use this day to contemplate life.
\nDay 4:<\/strong> One Lego Ravioli
\nDay 5:<\/strong> Lego Shirtless Edward
\nDay 6:<\/strong> Edward\u2019s hair
\nDay 7:<\/strong> A wet grey brick that represents the weather
\nDay 8:<\/strong> Lego tree
\nDay 9:<\/strong> Lego Optimus Beyonce (Baby)
\nDay 10:<\/strong> Adult legs for Lego Optimus Beyonce so she can grow up in a single day
\nDay 11:<\/strong> Comb and hair bows
\nDay 12:<\/strong> Lego Jacob
\nDay 13:<\/strong> More Edward Hair
\nDay 14:<\/strong> Lego Italian Fountain
\nDay 15: <\/strong>Lego Charlie (There are already dozens of Lego cop figures, so this is easy)
\nDay 16: <\/strong>Bella\u2019s Lego bed
\nDay 17: <\/strong>Lego chair for Lego Edward to Lego sit and watch Lego Bella Lego sleep
\nDay 18:<\/strong> Lego Quil\u2019s white van with \u201cCandy?\u201d written on it.
\nDay 19:<\/strong> More hair bows
\nDay 20:<\/strong> Lego Jasper with two faces – One expression is stoic and blank, the other is also stoic and blank.
\nDay 21:<\/strong> Emmett\u2019s sword stilts
\nDay 22:<\/strong> Lego Emmett
\nDay 23: <\/strong>Mrs. Claus
\nDay 24:<\/strong> A note saying, “And then Christmas occurred.” — because Twilight always ends in disappointment. <\/p>\n

(I’d like to point out that the above list originally included a joke about Quil and the baby Jesus, but I deleted it because it made even me feel uncomfortable. You’re welcome!) <\/p>\n

Edythe asks if Beau would like to meet her family, and Beau reluctantly agrees. Edythe says her brother Archie has already had a vision of Beau coming over but explains that Archie\u2019s predictions are only about 75% accurate. I don\u2019t remember that form the original story. I thought Alice’s visions were all true, all the time. Isn’t that why Edward was going to kill himself? Then again, I don\u2019t really want to go back to check. Even thinking about Archie’s\/Alice’s superpowers turns my brain into fire and my tongue tries to escape my body in violently thrusts. <\/p>\n

Beau and Edythe go off to the Cullen mansion, which is beautiful and perfect and has a grand piano because of course Edythe is a brilliant pianist. <\/p>\n

Beau says hi to Carine and meets Earnest, her husband. Earnest is Esme. Got it? I don\u2019t think Esme had much to do in the overall story. Didn\u2019t she pop up every few hundred pages to say crap like, \u201cLove is a battlefield\u201d and, \u201cFollow your heart,\u201d and, \u201cAre you gonna watch all these episodes of Scandal<\/em>, or can I delete them off the box?\u201d <\/p>\n

What a deep, rich character. <\/p>\n

Archie reintroduces himself and is the fun-loving, carefree vampire I would admire, had the character not been ruined with poorly written superpowers. <\/p>\n

So far, every member of the family loves Beau, but where are Royal and Eleanor? Edythe explains that Royal isn\u2019t happy about Beau. Royal is jealous of Beau\u2019s humanity. Royal wants to be human. This character motivation made more sense in the original story as Roslie was angry because of Bella\u2019s ability to have a child. But I’m not sure why boy-Royal is so pissy.<\/p>\n

Does he miss the taste of nachos? I guess that would be upsetting. Maybe Royal misses nachos. The inability to taste nachos (or all appetizers, really) is indeed a high price to pay for immortality, super strength, super speed, all the money you\u2019d ever want, wild vampire sex and impossible beauty. <\/p>\n

I might regret typing this, because it could also come true, but I\u2019d give up tasting nachos just to never experience another paper cut or mosquito bite again for the rest of my life. <\/p>\n

Ever notice that vampires in this series are a bunch of whiny brats? I miss the werewolves. I also wish the werewolves weren\u2019t pedophiles. Sad that the previous sentence has to even be written. And now I’m crying. <\/p>\n

Edythe explains that another group of vampires might be paying them a visit. These are people-killing vampires, which scares Beau a little. Edythe says that it\u2019s okay, because she won\u2019t let anyone hurt him. To the other innocent people in the Pacific Northwest? Um…good luck. Sorry you have to be brutally killed and devoured, but the Cullens can\u2019t do anything about it because it would be complicated and political. It\u2019s just a lot of paperwork. Hope you die quickly. Bye! <\/p>\n

Just a reminder: The Cullens are the heroes here. They\u2019re the good guys. Sure, they let thousands die every day, but that\u2019s not really their fault. What do you want them to do about it, besides fight back?<\/p>\n

Edythe plays the piano for Beau, which is so romantic. She wrote him a lullaby and it\u2019s the most perfect piece of music ever created. But more importantly, I’m getting a Star Wars Advent calendar! <\/p>\n

Then we get Carine\u2019s backstory. Edythe tells us how Carine\u2019s father was some sort of monster hunter\/preacher, and it\u2019s a very cool story — one I wish was an entire book instead of three paragraphs. <\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 4
\nTotal: 71<\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nBEAU: <\/strong>You have a piano? Is it just for show?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Actually, I play piano quite well. It\u2019s a bit of a hobby. Its an important part of my life that I never told you about? Weird.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> And you have a pottery wheel?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> I am an accomplished sculptress and potter. I never told you about my art?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Is that a Gameboy Advance?
\nEDYTHE: <\/strong>\u2018Tis indeed. [dramatically closes her eyes]<\/em> I have captured all the Pokemon, even the impossible ones.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> And you have a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> While I don\u2019t eat food, I do have the ability to perfectly open the Macaroni and Cheese box at the designated, perforated lines. No other person has ever done it. The Pope even gave me a medal for it.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Why do you have an empty milk carton and scissors?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> That\u2019s my craft station. I turn the milk cartons into perfect bird feeders, my love. No bird can resist my recycled bird feeders. With them, I can summon everything from a pigeon to a pterodactyl. I’m great at it.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> And I suppose that trapeze bar means you’re a world-class trapeze artist?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> I prefer the term “trapeze poet,” but yes. Enough about me and my hobbies. Surely you must be good at something.
\nBEAU: <\/strong>Well…this one time I watched an entire season of Lost <\/em>in one weekend.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> You are so good at watching things, Beau. My heart cannot handle it.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Did you hear Dan is getting the Star Wars Lego Advent calendar?
\nEDYTHE<\/strong>: I did. He seems quite pleased with his purchase.
\nDAN: <\/strong>I don’t know how to end this scene.
\nQUIL:<\/strong> Want me to do my thing?
\nDAN:<\/strong> Sure. Go for it.
\nQUIL:<\/strong> Um…something about watching Handy Manny<\/em>?
\nDAN:<\/strong> Let’s just call it a day, guys. Remember, tomorrow’s rehearsal is in the gym at 5:30, and if the karate class is still going on, they’ll just have to take it to the band room because I signed out the gym. Tired of this crap. Not angry at you, just angry at the situation. See you guys later. <\/p>\n

This blog is brought to you by Power Pencils! I make ’em. I sell ’em. Check out PowerPencils.com<\/a>.<\/strong>
\n<\/em>
\nNew Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!<\/strong><\/p>\n

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Facebook <\/a>and Instagram<\/a>! <\/p>\n