{"id":3499,"date":"2015-11-04T16:47:38","date_gmt":"2015-11-04T21:47:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3499"},"modified":"2015-11-04T16:53:44","modified_gmt":"2015-11-04T21:53:44","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-thirteen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3499","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Thirteen"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Twi<\/a>Chapter Thirteen: Confessions<\/em>
\nBetter Title: Edythe Had a Little Lamb<\/em>
\n<\/strong>
\nThis is perhaps the most famous chapter of the entire series, besides the birth scene. Here we see Edythe glitter and run, and Beau gets kissed! <\/p>\n

It starts with Edythe stepping out in the sun wearing nothing but a tank top and jeans. When the sun hits her skin, she explodes and the book ends. <\/p>\n

Of course that\u2019s not true. We all know that when a Twilight vampire stands in the sun, they glitter like the aftermath of a third grade craft project. Beau can\u2019t handle the blinding beauty and nearly dissolves into a mess of blubbers and spit. <\/p>\n

I never understood how sunlight affects vampires in this series. Sunlight is everywhere. It bounces around everything. Even on cloudy days, the light hitting your skin is sunlight. Edythe should always be glowing…somewhat. You could make the argument that clouds diffuse the light, making it less intense. And then I shake my head at you, but still offer you a piece of Halloween candy because I\u2019m nice and generous and don\u2019t want to fight. <\/p>\n

Vampires are not on\/off switches that either sparkle or they don\u2019t. On cloudy days, they would still sparkle, only less so. Moreover, Beau tells us the sparkles were so intense that it looked like Edythe was on fire. That sudden intensity of sparkles further leads me to believe the sparkle property of vampire skin is not a mutually exclusive effect, but an entire spectrum of varying degrees of sparkles.<\/p>\n

And the sunlight that hits Earth isn\u2019t even \u201cdirect\u201d sunlight. The light has traveled for eight minutes across the solar system, and then passes through our gassy atmosphere before landing on us. It\u2019s all indirect. It\u2019s all sunlight. THE SUN IS EVERYWHERE! And there does not exist a place in this country that is completely covered by clouds. And vampires can\u2019t travel on planes! And they can\u2019t go to Arizona! Or Italy! AND THIS WHOLE GODDAMN BOOK IS A CRIME AGAINST OUR MINDS! <\/p>\n

For more on this topic, please come to my lecture, \u201cThat Don\u2019t Make No Sense!\u201d It\u2019s five hours long, and three of those hours I spend sobbing into my hands as I sit on the edge of the stage. (Take notes!) <\/p>\n

So Edythe sparkles and Beau is so entranced that he wants to worship Edythe as a goddess. Then there\u2019s a whole lot of awful chit-chat about danger and love. <\/p>\n

Edythe tells Beau that something about his smell and body makes him irresistible to her. She says the same feeling once happened to Eleanor (lady-Emmett), but Eleanor didn\u2019t bother trying to fall in love with that person; she just killed them. She is awesome. Eleanor is my Patronus. <\/p>\n

Edythe explains that she must fight the urge to kill Beau, and yet also is unable to see Beau get hurt. Love is hard. <\/p>\n

We then see Edythe show off her super speed and strength as she cracks trees and zips around the love meadow like Sonic the Hedgehog. What a show off. She explains that vampires are perfect creatures and were given perfect beauty and sparkles to entice their victims. No one can resist them. (Keep this in mind for another three paragraphs of this blog, at which point I get bing-bong angry at this book again.)<\/p>\n

Beau says he doesn\u2019t care about her wild nature and will do whatever it takes to be with her. And then Edythe murmurs, \u201cAnd so the lion fell in love with the lamb\u2026 .\u201d<\/p>\n

As a general rule, it\u2019s not exactly empowering to call your boyfriend a lamb. You\u2019ve already showed him up by breaking trees and running faster than Cocaine Flash. No need to tease Beau any further. We get it, Edythe. You\u2019re super and Beau is a lump of useless boymeat. Real World Experiment: Ladies, ask your boyfriends if they enjoy being compared to a weak baby sheep. You probably won\u2019t get rewarded with jewels and Starbucks. <\/p>\n

During this, Beau can\u2019t stop sniffing Edythe, and when he goes in for a good whiff, Edythe freaks out. Beau doesn\u2019t know what he did wrong, and Edythe explains, \u201cIt was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alieness.\u201d<\/p>\n

[Dan throws book across the room so hard it sticks]<\/p>\n

What?!<\/p>\n

[Dan retrieves the book and starts violently pointing at it]<\/p>\n

You just told us that humans can\u2019t<\/em> resist you! You just said vampires look perfect to entice humans! That\u2019s why you look like super models and move like sex-cats. That\u2019s why you sparkle! You are a human trap! And then you say, \u201cMost humans instinctively shy away from us.\u201d<\/p>\n

WHAT THE HOLY HELL?!<\/p>\n

What the absolute holy hell is this? You\u2019re talking as if you\u2019re some sort of malfunctioning robot. <\/p>\n

It\u2019s like saying, \u201cAll people really like my red shoes, but everyone hates my red shoes.\u201d <\/p>\n

That Don\u2019t Make No Sense! (Own the lecture series on VHS cassette this holiday season!) <\/p>\n

For a minute there, I was thinking this Twilight book isn\u2019t so terrible and then this happened and now I\u2019m looking out my window and asking the clouds, \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

Anyway, Edythe wants to give Beau a ride, but Beau isn\u2019t sure he can fit. Not that kind of ride, perverts! She wants him to ride on her back. Beau is taller than Edythe, so he\u2019s not sure how this will work. But Edythe insists she can carry him. And off they go through the forest as we all whisper\/sing, \u201cDon\u2019t you dare close your eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

I like the gender swapping here. I always want to see a lady biker with a big fat biker dude hugging her from behind as they cruise. Haven\u2019t seen it yet, but surely this book will change that. <\/p>\n

Edythe and Beau then kiss. Whatever. Who cares? <\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 11
\nTotal: 59<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nEDYTHE: <\/strong>And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Aww. Sweet.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> And the shark fell in love with the pretty ladybug.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Heh\u2026
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> As the T-rex fell in love with the baby rabbit who had a gimpy leg and no friends.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Um\u2026
\nQUIL: <\/strong>What was this about falling in love with a baby?<\/p>\n

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\n<\/em>
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