{"id":3484,"date":"2015-11-02T17:45:45","date_gmt":"2015-11-02T22:45:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3484"},"modified":"2015-11-02T17:55:08","modified_gmt":"2015-11-02T22:55:08","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-twelve","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3484","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Twelve"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Twi<\/a>Chapter Twelve: Balancing<\/em>
\nBetter Title: It Took Beau 199 Pages To Notice Edythe\u2019s Boobs<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

He did it! He noticed Edythe\u2019s boobs! Right there on page 199, he mentions \u201cthe gentle swell of her breasts.\u201d And I think he only mentioned it because he had already commented on every other part of her body. <\/p>\n

He spent paragraphs poetically describing each cell of her neck skin. He told us countless times about her \u201clong\u201d eyes. (What are long eyes? Is Edythe some malformed anime character?) Beau even told us, again and again, how great Edythe\u2019s fingers look. <\/p>\n

In the original manuscript of this pseudo-book, I assume Stephenie Meyer also included chapters of elbow descriptions, back-of-the-knee similes, and voluminous studies on how Edythe\u2019s gallbladder was as beautiful as a rosebud and more delicate than a fairy\u2019s fart. <\/p>\n

So it\u2019s nice that we get at least one sentence fragment about breasts. <\/p>\n

Again, I understand that Beau doesn\u2019t want to be crude and that talking about breasts is piggish, but if this were a real teenager, he would have thought about her breasts at least by page 10. Actually, if this were a real teen\u2019s point of view, the boob stuff would appear on the goddamn copyright page, if not on the cover. And every page would feature small, rounded letter W\u2019s instead of page numbers in the bottom corner, and as you flipped the pages, they would jiggle. <\/p>\n

Teen boys are weird. <\/p>\n

This chapter is NOT the chapter in which Edythe runs through the forest, Instead we are granted a chapter in which Beau thinks about Edythe and Edythe asks him questions about his life. You might remember this chapter back when it was called Chapter Ten. <\/p>\n

The chapter begins with Bonnie (Jacob\u2019s dad, who\u2019s now a woman) and Jacob (who\u2019s now a woman named Julie), coming over to the Swan residence to watch a sport game. It\u2019s never clear what sport game they\u2019re watching, so let\u2019s just say it\u2019s horse polo. That\u2019s the kind of game Stephenie Meyer probably assumes boys love to watch. <\/p>\n

Of all the gender swapping, the most interesting is that of Bonnie and Julie. It\u2019s nice that Charlie hangs out with Bonnie. You rarely see a man and woman hang out without there being some sexual tension or subtext, and maybe Bonnie and Charlie are secretly dating, but I hope they\u2019re not. <\/p>\n

In fact, I would honestly like to see a small, indie movie about a middle-aged dad whose best friend is a middle-aged she-wolf. It\u2019s a story I haven\u2019t seen before. We\u2019ve seen the crappy Twilight <\/em>story of a forbidden love between perfect people about 1.7 million times. But old lady werewolf stories are hard to come by. <\/p>\n

Young writers and filmmakers, I hope you\u2019re reading this. <\/p>\n

Oh, and there is one section here that may be dripping with sexual innuendo…if you have a strange brain. Julie is talking about Charlie and Bonnie. I\u2019ll just leave this excerpt here without comment.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think Chalire chewed her out pretty good last time. They haven\u2019t spoken since — tonight is sort of a reunion.\u201d <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Julie and Beau hang out in a very natural way, because of course they do. Julie is great. But this scene lasts only a page or two, and then we\u2019re treated to dozens of long paragraphs that explain how Beau feels regarding Edythe. Hint: He likes her.<\/em> <\/p>\n

Edythe takes Beau to school the next day and I zone out for a while and think about which Advent calendar I\u2019m going to open this year. I like the idea of the Star Wars Lego calendar, but I\u2019d also prefer something else. The Lego City Advent calendar looks like it\u2019s the exact same stuff from previous calendars, so I\u2019d rather open something new. Thoughts? Suggestions? <\/p>\n

Back to this book…<\/p>\n

One thing that I hate about Edythe is how she treats Beau. It\u2019s okay for Edythe to make mild, stupid jokes about vampires, but whenever Beau tries to crack wise, Edythe gets all angry faced about it. This happens a lot, and in this chapter, Edythe says it might be better if Charlie knows where Beau is, so nothing is suspicious. And Beau says he\u2019ll take the risk and not tell anyone. He says that if he goes missing and Edythe kills him, he might end up on the news and that would cool. It’s a dumb joke. And then Edythe scolds him like a second-grade teacher who just caught someone wasting water. <\/p>\n

Back off, Edythe!<\/p>\n

I hate Edythe. <\/p>\n

And then Edythe guides Beau to the woods and takes her shirt off. She\u2019s wearing a tank top, so stop giggling. She\u2019s about to step out into the sunlight of the magical meadow when…the chapter ends. <\/p>\n

What will happen when the sun hits her? How can I put this book down? I\u2019m so excited! I’ll never be able to sleep! Squeeee!<\/p>\n

[Sarcasm pinky]<\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 7
\nTotal: 48
\n(I’m predicting we get to 110 by book’s end.) <\/strong><\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> My family and I like to hunt deer. And sometimes when I kill one, I say, \u201cO-Deer!” Like the blood type O? But like \u201cOh dear!\u201d Haha…I\u2019m funny.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I bet for breakfast, you like to eat a bowl of Deerie-Ohs!
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Shut up!<\/em> That\u2019s not funny! You have no<\/em> idea what the hell you\u2019re talking about! I hate you! How could you even say that? How could you? Do you know what happens when we hunt? Do you have even the slightest idea what I go through? What I have to do just to live? And you sit there and mock me? Mock my family? Mock my culture? I hope you rot in hell, Beaufort Swan! You insensitive prick!
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I wrote new lyrics to The Weeknd’<\/em>s song. [Sings] Can I feel your face when I\u2019m with you? Cuz I like you!<\/em><\/p>\n

Blogging Twilight is brought to you by PowerPencils.com<\/a>! The new November pencil has been unleashed — The Pencil of Dreams<\/strong>. <\/em>
\n\"IMG_5822\"<\/a>With this pencil, you can author your own dreams and destroy all nightmares. It will also help you relax. Want to dream about magical penguins and jetpacks? Just write it down with this pencil! For more info, check out PowerPencils.com<\/a>.<\/strong><\/em> (We’re open all night!)<\/em><\/em><\/p>\n

New Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!<\/strong><\/p>\n

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Facebook <\/a>and Instagram<\/a>! <\/strong><\/p>\n