{"id":3478,"date":"2015-10-30T15:28:05","date_gmt":"2015-10-30T19:28:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3478"},"modified":"2015-10-30T15:30:05","modified_gmt":"2015-10-30T19:30:05","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-eleven","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3478","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Eleven"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Twi<\/a>Chapter Eleven: Complications<\/em>
\nBetter Title: Poke Her Face <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

With all the gender swapping, let\u2019s take a minute to organize the characters.<\/p>\n

Beau – Bella Swan
\nEdythe – Edward
\nJulie (or Jules) – Jacob
\nRoyal – Rosalie
\nArchie (really?) – Alice
\nJessamine – Jasper
\nCarine (Which is the worst way to spell it because it looks like \u201ccanine\u201d and I\u2019m giving it a hard I sound because it\u2019s funny to say…Car-Ine!) – Carlisle
\nBonnie – Billy (Jacob\u2019s dad)
\nEarnest – Esme
\nQuil – Quil<\/p>\n

And the rest of Beau\u2019s friends are…whatever. I don\u2019t care about them. Neither should you. Sorry, E-rock-a. <\/p>\n

I thought this chapter would include B&E running through the jungles of Forks, but instead this is a tedious chapter in which the following occurs:<\/p>\n

Beau thinks about touching Edythe\u2019s face.
\nEdythe touches Beau\u2019s face.
\nBeau thinks about touching Edythe\u2019s face.
\nEdythe asks Beau questions such as, \u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite color.\u201d
\nBeau tells Taylor that he\u2019s not going to prom with her.
\nBeau thinks about touching Edythe\u2019s face.
\nJulie shows up at the end and Edythe acts like a brat.
\nBeau thinks about touching Edythe\u2019s face.
\nNo one rides on Edythe\u2019s back through the jungle. <\/p>\n

Pretty boring. And when Twilight is boring, it\u2019s VERY boring. <\/p>\n

Since the last series of blogs something major has happened in my life — I started watching Gilmore Girls<\/em>. It\u2019s great. Reading this book now, I can\u2019t help but wonder what this same basic story would have been like had Rory Gilmore been Bella Swan. It would have been amazing. It wouldn’t even need jetpacks. <\/p>\n

Not much happens on Gilmore Girls<\/em>, but the story is delivered with such clever wit and charm that it\u2019s impossible not to love it. The show is funny, sad, quirky and adorable. There\u2019s even a love triangle in which Rory must choose between a vampire and werewolf. (The show never states that Dean is a vampire and Jess is a werewolf, but come on. We all know the truth. They must be. Why else would a young girl fall in love?)<\/p>\n

I\u2019m still only on season 5 of the show, so please no spoilers. Thanks!<\/p>\n

Watching it has ruined Twilight for me even more. It\u2019s like eating a terribly bland canned soup, and then someone offers you a taste of homemade beef stew. Now your soup tastes even worse, and you have to eat the whole thing! <\/p>\n

Ugh. This book is soup. <\/p>\n

Also, please read this chapter excerpt and then answer the following questions. (Due Monday!) <\/p>\n

But when I walked out of the gym, Edythe was there. She stood in the shade of the gym building, though the clouds were still black\u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

1. Huh? (Show your work)
\n2. Answer the first one again, because I\u2019m still not sure I understand. Doesn’t this imply that the entire sky is dark and cloudy? How can there be shade? Is there just a few black clouds in an otherwise sunny sky? <\/p>\n

The funniest part of this chapter are the long-winded paragraphs in which Beau aches to reach out and touch Edythe\u2019s perfect face. It happens about four times, and each time I smack the book hoping to knock some sense into Beau. <\/p>\n

Beau, buddy, listen. First, girls don\u2019t really like it when you try to grab their faces. It\u2019s weird. Second, faces aren\u2019t that great to touch. It\u2019s the same as touching your own knee. You\u2019re gonna be disappointed. And third, reading your thoughts is like reading the journals of a third-string Batman villain. Chill the hell out! You sound like a stalker! <\/p>\n

When you tell me, \u201cI wanted to trace the shape of her lips, the line of her cheekbone, the length of her throat\u2026\u201d it makes me not want to hang out with you. It makes me want to record our conversations so I have something to offer the FBI after your arrest. <\/p>\n

Jungle running in the next chapter? I hope so. <\/p>\n

Happy Halloween! <\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 4
\nTotal: 41<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Hey, um…listen. Remember when I said I couldn\u2019t read your mind?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Yes. It\u2019s because I\u2019m special.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Actually, I can read it. I could always read it. I just didn\u2019t want to embarrass you.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Um…
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> And at first I thought it was cute, they way you thought about me. But now it\u2019s going off the rails, man.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I don\u2019t understand.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> You think about touching my neck? And my face? And it\u2019s all the time!
\nBEAU: <\/strong>I like your face.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Believe me. I get it. But come on! Your thoughts are like that of a serial killer. I’m supposed to think it\u2019s romantic because you’re young and in love, but if a forty-year-old man had the same thoughts, I would kill him without asking questions because there\u2019s no way he\u2019s not a psycho-sexual maniac.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I just want to press my fingers into your cheekbones and taste your forehead and massage your face like it were ten pounds of Silly Putty.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Have you even noticed my boobs!? My ass?! I have a rockin\u2019 ass! And you want to pat me on the head?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I want to be your organic Halloween mask. I want to run my fingers across your eyelids and experience your nostrils from the inside.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> This is weird.
\nCHARLES MANSON:<\/strong> No it’s not.
\nHANNIBAL LECTER: <\/strong>Totally normal.
\nNORMAN BATES:<\/strong> It’s kinda sweet, actually.
\nQUIL:<\/strong> And if you like faces, stop by my face painting booth at the fair, located in the van out in the parking lot.<\/p>\n

This blog is brought to you by Power Pencils — if you can write a sentence, you can be a wizard! Order yours at PowerPencils.com<\/a>. <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

New Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!<\/strong><\/p>\n

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Facebook <\/a>and Instagram<\/a>! <\/strong><\/p>\n