{"id":3462,"date":"2015-10-26T18:04:07","date_gmt":"2015-10-26T22:04:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3462"},"modified":"2015-10-26T18:38:31","modified_gmt":"2015-10-26T22:38:31","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-nine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3462","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Nine"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/Twi-9.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-3463\" src=\"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/Twi-9-1024x768.png\" alt=\"Twi 9\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/Twi-9-1024x768.png 1024w, https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/Twi-9-300x225.png 300w, https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/Twi-9.png 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" \/><\/a><strong>Chapter Nine: <em>Theory<\/em><\/strong><br \/>\n<strong>Better Title: <em>How Not To Flirt<\/em> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>You are not going to believe this, but Edythe is a vampire!<\/p>\n<p>I wonder if anyone reading the first book was unaware of the vampire stuff. Maybe they thought it was just a story about a boring girl who falls in love with a mysterious man. And then they got to this chapter and spit tea all over the room in a fit of surprise while whispering, &#8220;Nicely done, madam author. Well played!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>This entire chapter takes place in Edythe\u2019s Volvo, as she takes Beau home after the night of thugs and ravioli. It\u2019s a testament to either my hunger or Meyer\u2019s inability to create memorable stories, but what I remember most about the first book is that one ravioli Bella ate.<\/p>\n<p>I think about it often.<!--more--><\/p>\n<p>In the car, Edythe admits she\u2019s a vampire and Beau asks all the wrong questions such as:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Can you go out in the sun?<\/li>\n<li>What do you eat?<\/li>\n<li>Where do you sleep?<\/li>\n<li>How old are you?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The questions he should have asked:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Are your boobs hard like softballs? Prove it?<\/li>\n<li>If your boobs are rock-hard, do you need a bra or do they support themselves?<\/li>\n<li>What does your bra look like?<\/li>\n<li>If you drink only animal blood, what happens if I squeeze your boob?<\/li>\n<li>Are your nipples always standing at attention?<\/li>\n<li>Can I try something?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>I\u2019m not saying this needs to turn into Twilight porn, but put any two teenages into a car who are biologically and supernaturally obligated to lust for each other and you\u2019d expect Beau to at least have a few R-rated thoughts.<\/p>\n<p>Instead we get thoughts such as:<\/p>\n<p><em>\u201cHer face was so unbelievably perfect, it hurt in a strange way to look at it.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n<p>Hey Beau. I know your dad was out of the picture for a while, so maybe we should have a quick chat about man stuff. That strange hurt you felt is called an erection, and an erection means all the evil and villainy of your soul leaves your guilty heart and tries to escape through your \u201cspecial thumb.\u201d It\u2019s something to be ashamed of, so when you get the \u201cstrange hurt\u201d you should cry and think about what you\u2019ve done. Trust me. I learned everything I know about human biology from the robust sex ed curriculum offered at Hogwarts. Later, if you want, I can teach you how women get pregnant from toilet seats.<\/p>\n<p>Edythe explains that, yes, she is a vampire but she tries very hard not to kill people. Beau takes this all in and handles the news rather well. Instead of acting afraid or even suspicious, he acts like a needy puppy.<\/p>\n<p>When Edythe warns him that it\u2019s dangerous for them to be friends, poor little Beaufort whines and whimpers, claiming he\u2019ll follow the rules and saying, \u201cSeriously. Tell me to do something, and I\u2019ll do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m surprised he didn\u2019t add &#8212; \u201cAnd if you date me, it can be my birthday and Christmas present! And I promise not to say bad words or spill paint in the garage ever again! I promise!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t know much about women, but I suspect saying, \u201cTell me how you want me to be? Please?\u201d won\u2019t cause much swooning in the real world.<\/p>\n<p>He then makes Edythe promise that she\u2019ll sit with him at lunch tomorrow. At first I thought Edythe was acting like a creep, but now Beau is being a sad sack of sad salt, so these two miserable mopes deserve each other.<\/p>\n<p>The chapter ends with Beau back in his house, thinking about the wild night he\u2019s had and, though not mentioned in the text, furiously masturbating.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 5<br \/>\nTotal: 33<br \/>\n<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Prediction<\/strong><br \/>\n<strong>BEAU:<\/strong> Can vampires tell time?<br \/>\n<strong>EDYTHE:<\/strong> Yes, Beau. We can tell time.<br \/>\n<strong>BEAU:<\/strong> But can vampires beat Godzilla?<br \/>\n<strong>EDYTHE:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know. Maybe? Godzilla\u2019s not real so&#8230;<br \/>\n<strong>BEAU:<\/strong> Okay&#8230;okay. If a vampire dies, is his ghost a vampire? Or is the ghost just a normal person ghost? Is your ghost going to look like an old person? Because your soul is old?<br \/>\n<strong>EDYTHE:<\/strong> Look. I just told you that I\u2019m madly in love with you, that I need you, that I want you, that a world without you is one I never want to experience. We\u2019re alone, in a car. I\u2019m caressing your hand. Maybe we can stop with the questions and\u2026<br \/>\n<strong>BEAU:<\/strong> Can dogs be vampires? Can a vampire dog go out in the sun because it has fur? Are racoons a type of dog?<br \/>\n<strong>EDYTHE: <\/strong>I kind of hate you right now.<br \/>\n<strong>BEAU:<\/strong> Can vampires be crime scene cleaners? That would be a funny show. They could clean up all the blood and eat it, and then make money. And then solve crimes at night. We should write a show together.<br \/>\n<strong>EDYTHE:<\/strong> \u2026I\u2019ll just unbutton my shirt.<br \/>\n<strong>BEAU:<\/strong> Can vampires vote? Are you allowed to fly on airplanes? Can vampires beat Wolverine?<\/p>\n<p><em>This blog is brought to you by Power Pencils &#8212; if you can write a sentence, you can be a wizard! Order yours at <strong><a href=\"http:\/\/www.powerpencils.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">PowerPencils.com<\/a>. <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>New Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/Dan_Bergstein\" target=\"_blank\">Twitter<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/TheDanBergstein\" target=\"_blank\">Facebook <\/a>and <a href=\"https:\/\/instagram.com\/danbergstein\/\" target=\"_blank\">Instagram<\/a>! <\/strong><\/p>\n<iframe src=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/plugins\/like.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.laserfarm.com%2F%3Fp%3D3462&amp;layout=standard&amp;show_faces=true&amp;width=450&amp;action=like&amp;colorscheme=light&amp;height=80\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"0\" style=\"border:none; overflow:hidden; width:450px; height:80px;\" allowTransparency=\"true\"><\/iframe>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Chapter Nine: Theory Better Title: How Not To Flirt You are not going to believe this, but Edythe is a vampire! I wonder if anyone reading the first book was unaware of the vampire stuff. Maybe they thought it was &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3462\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[26],"class_list":["post-3462","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blogging-books","tag-twilight"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3462"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3462\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3472,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3462\/revisions\/3472"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3462"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3462"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}