{"id":3450,"date":"2015-10-23T15:18:42","date_gmt":"2015-10-23T19:18:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3450"},"modified":"2015-10-23T15:50:10","modified_gmt":"2015-10-23T19:50:10","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-eight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3450","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Eight"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Twi<\/a>Chapter Eight: Port Angeles<\/em> <\/strong>
\nBetter Title: A Woman Pays For Dinner?!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Twilight <\/em>is the best book in the series. New Moon<\/em> has the werewolves, but it also has a third act that makes negative amounts of sense. I\u2019ve forgotten what happens in Eclipse <\/em>(was it about winning a ticket to a magic candy factory?), and Breaking Dawn <\/em>is the reason I tremble when alone with my own thoughts. <\/p>\n

Twilight <\/em>is 100% awful, but when compared to what\u2019s to come, it\u2019s maybe only 97% awful. Like I\u2019ve said, the description of the town and settings are nice and Stephenie Meyer has one idea for this story and sticks to it. <\/p>\n

Though I\u2019m sure Meyer loved the idea of making a series of vampire romance books, whatever creative ability she had was limited to telling one Beauty and the Beast story. When she was forced to expand a very, very simple premise, that\u2019s when things got bloated with Volturi, imprinting, baby dating and enough deus ex machina to open a deus ex factory-a.<\/p>\n

This chapter, in which Beau is nearly killed and Edythe saves the day, isn\u2019t a great chapter, but it also would feel right at home in a low-rated mid-90s UPN show. If you don\u2019t know what UPN was, think of the CW network and then subtract 50 points. <\/p>\n

The chapter starts with Beau already in Port Angeles. He\u2019s with Jeremy and Allen and they plan to see a movie after they buy flowers for their dates to the dance. With time to kill, Beau goes wandering around, searching for a bookstore. Instead, he finds the back alley of a Steven Seagal movie. If you don\u2019t know who Steven Seagal was, think of Vin Diesel and then subtract all the points.<\/p>\n

Beau notices a group of thugs, both men and women, who are obviously dealing drugs. One of the women calls out to Beau, thinking he\u2019s a cop. This tough lady says she knows Beau is a cop because she saw him getting out of Charlie\u2019s cop car a few months ago. <\/p>\n

And then one of the guys pulls a gun on Beau. <\/p>\n

Let\u2019s stop for a moment and discuss what\u2019s wrong:<\/p>\n

1.<\/strong> If a regular drug deal is interrupted, by police or by normal people, the criminals will split up and scurry away like caffeinated cockroaches.
\n2. <\/strong>If they suspect Beau is a cop, they should also suspect he\u2019s armed, which is one more reason to just run away.
\n3.<\/strong> Why kill Beau? If you think he\u2019s a cop, then you know every officer in the Pacific Northwest will do everything in their power to track down the criminals who killed one of their own. Even if you don\u2019t think he\u2019s a cop, killing him only brings trouble on yourself. This isn\u2019t 18th century London. We have DNA evidence, science, and Benedict Cumberbatch to solve crimes. You won\u2019t get away with it.
\n4.<\/strong> If he\u2019s not a cop, he could be related to the cop you saw him with, as such, please see #3.
\n5.<\/strong> This would never happen. <\/p>\n

None of that really matters since Super-Edythe arrives in her Edythe-mobile and whisks Beau to safety. Edythe wants to go back and kill the criminals, but Beau won\u2019t let her because he\u2019s afraid and he enjoys holding Edythe\u2019s arm. <\/p>\n

Edythe is furious, but finally agrees to not kill anyone, and instead she takes Beau to dinner at the Italian restaurant where Beau has the ravioli and Edythe has the murmur with mutter sauce.<\/p>\n

Did Edward have dimples? Because Edythe sure does. I know this because dimples are mentioned 5 times in two pages, and once as a verb — \u201cdimpling.\u201d <\/p>\n

During the dinner, Beau wants to know if Edythe is a vampire, but he never actually asks. Edythe wants to know…I\u2019m not sure what Edythe wants to know. She\u2019s just here to look pretty and act mysterious. She does admit to being able to read minds. No big deal. <\/p>\n

Beau treats the news like it\u2019s nothing. If someone told you they could read minds, and proved that they could do it, you\u2019d probably scream or at least widen your eyes a bit. Because if someone could read minds, it means everything we know about the universe is wrong. It would be exciting and scary and cool. But Beau reacts as if Edythe just told him, \u201dI\u2019ve never been stung by a bee.\u201d <\/p>\n

Beau asks how Edythe found him in Port Angeles, and Edythe says she followed their car, and then read people’s minds until she found him. <\/p>\n

If a woman secretly follows you around and watches you from the shadows, it\u2019s a sign of great respect and it\u2019s behavior that should be rewarded. [Sarcasm Hand]<\/p>\n

What if Beau wasn\u2019t into Edythe. I know that\u2019s difficult to fathom, but try. Activate your imagination helmet! (It should be under your chair.)<\/p>\n

The son of the police chief is being harassed and stalked by a school-ditching, emotionally distant, friendless, freakishly strong young woman in a small town. She follows him, grabs him and glares at him.<\/p>\n

Suddenly the book isn\u2019t a romance, it\u2019s the first act of CSI: Forks<\/em>. <\/p>\n

But because this is true love, we are to forget the creepy, illegal behavior of Edythe. Besides, she\u2019s pretty, so everything is okay. <\/p>\n

There are a few moments in this chapter in which Beau wonders if he\u2019s acting too weak, and one laughable scene in which Beau is cold, so Edythe offers him her scarf. Beau doesn\u2019t want to take it, so Edythe says she\u2019ll get a jacket from the car. Beau responds: <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t go,\u201d I said softly. I knew my voice sounded too intense — she was just going out to her car, not disappearing forever — but I couldn\u2019t make it sound normal. \u201cI\u2019ll wear the scarf. See?\u201d\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll wear the scarf. See?\u201d Wow. Beau sure has a way with the ladies. Not since Han Solo said, \u201cI know,\u201d has a line of dialogue been so romantic and proud. <\/p>\n

There is a chance, and God I hope this is true, that Beau is saying, \u201cI’ll wear the scarf. See?\u201d like a 1930s movie gangster. \u201cHand over the money or you\u2019ll get a belly full-a lead, see?\u201d <\/p>\n

The chapter also includes a few more new sentences about gender roles, such as this tidbit from Edythe after she pays for dinner:<\/p>\n

\u201cTry not to get caught up in antiquated gender roles.\u201d <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Well, damn. I never thought of it that way before. <\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 5
\nTotal: 28
\n<\/strong>
\nPrediction<\/strong>
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> I can read minds.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> That\u2019s cool. One time I made a beer can tower that went all the way to the ceiling.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Did you hear me? I can read freaking minds.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> So?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> That doesn\u2019t impress you? I can circumvent the laws of nature? I am aware of mankind’s secrets and thoughts? I am a goddess.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> The tower stayed up for, like, twenty minutes. I didn\u2019t even start on top of a table. Just floor to ceiling. No joke.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> What does it take to impress you?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Wanna see me ride bikes? Dad said no ramps. But guess what? Dad\u2019s not here!
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Maybe you\u2019re more like a high school boy than I thought.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> All my favorite movies have numbers in the titles. Wanna see me eat weird stuff? I can eat weird stuff. I\u2019m good at it.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> You are my life now.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> I\u2019ll wear the scarf. See?<\/p>\n

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