{"id":3438,"date":"2015-10-21T15:18:48","date_gmt":"2015-10-21T19:18:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3438"},"modified":"2015-10-21T15:23:10","modified_gmt":"2015-10-21T19:23:10","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-seven","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3438","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Seven"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Twi<\/a>Chapter Seven: Nightmare<\/em><\/strong>
\nBetter Title: Actually…that\u2019s a pretty good title already<\/em><\/strong>y<\/p>\n

October is the perfect time to read scary stories, but Twilight <\/em>doesn\u2019t count since it\u2019s as frightening as a Garfield comic strip. That\u2019s why I\u2019m also reading Acceptance<\/em>, the third book of The Southern Reach Trilogy<\/em> by Jeff Vandermeer. <\/p>\n

\"Acceptance<\/a><\/p>\n

Though I\u2019m just starting the third and final book, I highly recommend the entire series. The first book is like the show Lost<\/em> mixed with H.P. Lovecraft creepiness. The second book feels like a sci-fi horror as directed by the Coen Brothers. And the third book (of which I\u2019m only on page 50), is a great mix of everything from the first two. These books are weird, but give them a shot. The first book is just over 200 pages, so it\u2019s a quick read, and you can buy the entire series in a single volume. <\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t a paid advertisement. I just really like the series, and it\u2019s nice to have something good to read instead of the gallons of dreck that is Twilight<\/em>. <\/p>\n

Also, since today is Back to the Future Day, I highly recommend The Pencil of Time<\/strong>, from PowerPencils.com<\/a>. Travel through the chronos with this mighty staff of magic. Cheaper than a DeLorean, and easier to store under a bed or in a pocket. Buy it, use it and say hi to the cyborg dragons of the future. (Ask for Gavin when you get there!) <\/p>\n

\"IMG_5708\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Enough non-Twilight stuff! Let’s get to the timeless tale of a whiny brat who gets everything he wants. <\/p>\n

Chapter seven is one of those chapters in which Beau is just telling us his feelings. Not much actually happens here except Beau has a scary dream in which Julie and Edythe show up, Julie turns into a werewolf, and then Edythe beckons Beau like a sexy goth girl. And then the two ladies fight. It\u2019s less impressive than it sounds, since a Stephenie Meyer action scene goes something lke this:<\/p>\n

They two were standing near each other, moving limbs and such. Meanwhile my soul was an ocean of unease trapped inside a painting made with the colors of murmurous tears. <\/em><\/p>\n

My version of the dream fight would include jetpacks, swords and lightning bolt arrows. But that’s just me. <\/p>\n

After the dream, Beau attempts to piece together all the information he has regarding the Cullens. Could they be vampires? Edythe is cold, she doesn\u2019t eat, she skipped class during finger prick day, and she\u2019s more beautiful than a supermodel. Either she\u2019s a vampire or a super-cool YouTuber who makes $4 billion a year by telling people, \u201cDon\u2019t be afraid of eyeliner! Too much is just enough.”<\/p>\n

Beau decides to do some heavy research on the topic by typing \u201cVampires\u201d into his computer. It\u2019s strange that someone as well-read and informed as Beau doesn\u2019t know anything about vampires. He can diagram a Latin sentence while splitting the goddamn atom, but when it comes to the most popular monster of all time, he\u2019s oblivious. <\/p>\n

We then get treated to a bunch of cool paragraphs that explain vampires in various cultures. Too bad none of this folklore will make its way into the Twilight mythos. Instead of sinister vampires roaming the countryside, we get Edythe. It\u2019s like telling a kid we\u2019re all going out for ice cream and you describe all the flavors, but when you get to the ice cream shop, all they have are soggy carrots. And then you ask why an ice cream shop sells carrots, and suddenly [POOF] I\u2019m gone! <\/p>\n

Beau isn\u2019t sure what to do, which could be the title of this entire series. He\u2019s very attracted to Edythe, and wants to spend time with her, but if she\u2019s a vampire then it means she\u2019s a monster. Oh, what\u2019s a seventeen year old boy to do? <\/p>\n

Answer:<\/strong> Whine for three novels and then boink each other until a baby appears. <\/p>\n

Beau can\u2019t even…<\/p>\n

Beau is all like [insert sound of privileged kid pouting because his brand new $500 sneakers are a week old already]. So he goes for a long walk in the woods to clear his mind. 6,000 words later, he comes to the realization that he still likes Edythe and wants to talk to her. <\/p>\n

He\u2019s excited to see her the next day at school, but she doesn\u2019t show up! None of the Cullens show up! Beau is all like [cue sound of a privileged kid just being told he can\u2019t wear his Beats headphones to grandma\u2019s funeral]. <\/p>\n

Luckily, his soon to be forgotten human friends invite him to the movies in Port Angeles, where I\u2019m sure nothing interesting will happen. <\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 1
\nTotal: 23<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prediction <\/strong>
\nBEAU:<\/strong> If vampires are real, and werewolves are real, does that mean mermaids are real?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Yes, but both the top and bottom halves are human, and they all work at H&M.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> What about leprechauns?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> They\u2019re real. But instead of being small wish-granters, they are average-sized, attractive and their pot of gold is actually a phone app…somehow.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> And Big Foot?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> He\u2019s real. His name is Roger \u201cPoops\u201d Culver, and instead of being a towering ape-man, he\u2019s a very pretty skateboard boy who swears and steals cigarettes.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Hmm…seems like all the monsters aren\u2019t as interesting in real life.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Ghosts are real, too. But instead of looking like spooky white sheets, they all look like Glee <\/em>cast members, and instead of scaring people, they ride those stupid hoverboard things and make Vine videos. Here comes one now.
\nGHOST:<\/strong> Doooon\u2019t forget to liiiiiike, coooomment and subscriiiiibe! Oooooh!<\/p>\n

This blog is brought to you by Power Pencils — if you can write a sentence, you can be a wizard! Order yours at PowerPencils.com<\/a>. <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

New Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!<\/strong><\/p>\n

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Facebook <\/a>and Instagram<\/a>! <\/strong><\/p>\n