{"id":3411,"date":"2015-10-16T16:36:44","date_gmt":"2015-10-16T20:36:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3411"},"modified":"2015-10-16T23:48:08","modified_gmt":"2015-10-17T03:48:08","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-five","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3411","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Five"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Twi<\/a>Chapter 5: Blood Type<\/em>
\nBetter Title: Pricks<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

I messed up in the last blog and referred to Beau as \u201cher\u201d and Edythe as \u201chim.\u201d I make mistakes but it\u2019s also very confusing to read this book and keep all the pee-pees and vaginas in order. In my head, Beau is just Bella and Edythe just Edward. <\/p>\n

So far, there hasn\u2019t been much to distinguish Beau as a guy. A scene of him peeing out a campfire or saying, \u201cI need to shave my man face,\u201d may have helped my mind, but the bigger issue is that Meyer has written characters so utterly boring and one-dimensional that their personalities are as basic as mom jeans. <\/p>\n

In fact, the characters aren\u2019t even one-dimensional. They\u2019re non-dimensional, occupying impossible space in the cosmos, as their lack of personality folds in onto themselves creating human-sized black holes from which not even light or believable dialogue can escape.<\/p>\n

All I\u2019m saying is that you could tell me Beau is guy, a girl, a person of transgender or a person without gender, and I\u2019d just shrug. It\u2019s like how in the French language, certain nouns are masculine or feminine. The French teacher tells you \u201celbow\u201d in French is feminine. You ask if that means it can have babies with cheese (since \u201ccheese\u201d is masculine), and suddenly you can\u2019t go to the Medieval Times field trip, WHICH WAS FINE WITH ME ANYWAY! <\/p>\n

Stephenie Meyer says Beau is a guy, and so…I guess he’s a guy. A little more effort in the character development would have been helpful, but I ask too much. I’m sorry. <\/p>\n

At least in this chapter, Edythe shows a bit more personality than a sack of wet socks, except the personality isn\u2019t the wonderful Edythe we\u2019d come to expect. Instead, she sounds like a super villain about to destroy New York. <\/p>\n

This chapter is filled with awful conversations between Beau and Edythe. The first is at lunch. <\/p>\n

The dialogue here sounds just like something Lex Luthor would say. Read this and imagine James Spader in the part of Edythe (who begins the conversation). <\/p>\n

\u201cI told you, most people are very easy to read.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcept me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, except you.\u201d Her eyes shifted to me and intensified, drilling into mine. \u201cI wonder why that is.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Put a cat in Edythe\u2019s lap and a crow on her shoulder and she could be a Disney villain in this chapter. <\/p>\n

The conversation is terrible and ends with nothing much resolved. It does include another example of wretched quote attribution with this nugget of insanity:<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease,\u201d she breathed. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

You can\u2019t breathe words, people. If you do, you’re not talking, just breathing…wheezing mostly. Try it. Try to breathe out the word \u201cplease,\u201d without sounding like a malfunctioning car from an old cartoon. <\/p>\n

Eventually Edythe says she\u2019s ditching biology class and hops away and Beau is thankful. He\u2019s pissed at her. But does he also…LIKE HER? OMG! <\/p>\n

Ugh. <\/p>\n

In biology class, the students are asked to prick their fingers to determine their blood types. I barely remember this from the first book, but it\u2019s been a few years and I repressed much of Twilight. I\u2019m sure it\u2019s in there, and I\u2019m sure I wondered if any real high school would have students stabbing themselves. <\/p>\n

Beau can\u2019t handle the sight of blood or the thought of pricking his finger so he nearly passes out and McKayla offers to carry him to the nurse. On the way to the nurse, Edythe appears and helps McKayla carry the woozy Beau. <\/p>\n

During this, Beau ponders the question of masculinity as two smaller ladies carry him. It\u2019s the thought-provoking ideas like this which make this book an interesting experiment as we all discuss the role of…oh, that part is over? Okay. It only lasted three sentences and it ends with Beau saying he doesn\u2019t need to compete with Edythe because \u201cshe\u2019s special.\u201d Gender issues solved!<\/p>\n

Three brand new sentences about gender roles. Yep…this book was worth every penny! <\/p>\n

They eventually get to the nurse’s office and…sit down folks…the nurse is now a man? HOLY CRAP! Did you know nurses can be guys?! I had to read this eight times, and then check with the Constitution and my local State Representative, just to make sure I wasn\u2019t hallucinating. <\/p>\n

A male nurse? What\u2019s next? A female cheese?!<\/p>\n

The nurse tells Beau to sit down and rest, and then walks away leaving Edythe alone to talk with Beau about love, life and things I barely skimmed because holy hell this chapter is long. <\/p>\n

Edythe convinces the nurse (who is still a guy!) to let her take Beau home, and the nurse agrees because he has some sort of dictatorial authority on all school matters…I assume. <\/p>\n

During the car ride, Edythe asks Beau about his mom and Beau says, \u201cShe was my best friend.\u201d<\/p>\n

Beau, buddy, even if that\u2019s true, maybe don\u2019t go calling mommy your BFF. You\u2019re 17. You\u2019re in the car of the most attractive, wonderful person you\u2019ve ever met. You\u2019re flirting. Play it cool. Saying more than one sentence about your mom makes you seems needy and weird. Talk about regular things like school and how it\u2019s weird you don\u2019t see phone booths anymore.<\/p>\n

Edythe drives Beau home in the pouring rain and then rushes back to school so she can pick up her siblings. Speaking of her siblings\u2026.<\/p>\n

Hi Eleanor! It\u2019s me! Dan! Nice seeing you again! How are you? It\u2019s weird that you don\u2019t see phone booths anymore. Crazy, right. Haha…<\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 12
\nTotal: 21<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> So where do you live? Should I turn here?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Yeah. Did I tell you my mom once made me a Star Wars cake?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> That\u2019s cool.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> And sometimes she would sing Christmas songs.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> That\u2019s sweet. So, did you hear about the test on Friday?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> My mom has the cutest mole on her neck. That\u2019s where the angels kissed her.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Maybe we don\u2019t need to talk anymore today.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> My mom\u2019s makeup tastes funny.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> I’m gonna just drop you off here. <\/p>\n

Magic pencils. I make \u2018em, you need \u2018em. Order yours at PowerPencils.com<\/strong><\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

New Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!<\/strong><\/p>\n

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Facebook <\/a>and Instagram<\/a>! <\/strong><\/p>\n