{"id":3397,"date":"2015-10-14T18:44:59","date_gmt":"2015-10-14T22:44:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3397"},"modified":"2015-10-16T16:47:28","modified_gmt":"2015-10-16T20:47:28","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-four","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3397","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Four"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
\nChapter 4: Invitations
\nBetter Title: The Beau of the Ball<\/strong><\/p>\n

Chapter 4 begins with a dream sequence. I\u2019ve said it before, but I\u2019ll say it again: I loathe dream sequences. They are terrible, wretched things. Remove them from any story and the story is 2,000% better. The only exceptional dream sequences exist in David Lynch movies because he\u2019s the master and we must be thankful that his homeworld has lent him to Earth. (Also, the \u201cdream\u201d sequence from Rosemary\u2019s Baby<\/em> is good too.) <\/p>\n

I hate dream sequences even when they\u2019re in good stories, like Harry Potter. When dream sequences pop up in the bucket that is Twilight, it\u2019s like the author is screaming, \u201cWriting is hard. Here\u2019s some crap I had trouble expressing. Also, you look stupid so I better yell the information in your stupid face. Byeeeee!\u201d <\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a list of things I hate:<\/p>\n

1.<\/strong> Oppression of Others
\n2.<\/strong> Needless Violence
\n3.<\/strong> Dream Sequences
\n4.<\/strong> Twilight
\n5.<\/strong> People who don\u2019t return shopping carts to the shopping cart corral.
\n6. <\/strong>Mushrooms\/People who brag about running (Tie)
\n7.<\/strong> Olives
\n8.<\/strong> Know-it-all zookeepers. (If it looks like a turtle, I\u2019m calling it a turtle!)
\n9.<\/strong> Political Debates
\n10.<\/strong> People who type, \u201cSo this happened,\u201d and then make me click a link to see what the hell happened, as if they’re some sort of magician or Steve Jobs presenting a new product. IT\u201dS JUST A PHOTO OF CAKE! Stop it! <\/p>\n

Right off the bat, I\u2019m dealing with two of my top ten, and if this chapter ends with mushrooms, I\u2019m digging out my own eyes. <\/p>\n

Beau is dreaming of Edythe. But, back in reality, Beau and Edythe are not talking to each other after the nearly fatal car crash. Beau knows Edythe did something supernatural, and Edythe doesn\u2019t want to talk about, leaving them both in a huffy mood. <\/p>\n

Did you know Beau was perfect? In case you forgot, this chapter reminds us that Beau is coveted by all girls for reasons that are never explained. Every girl in the school wants to ask Beau to the big upcoming dance. One problem: Beau don\u2019t dance. <\/p>\n

So he rejects first McKayla, then E-rock-a and finally Taylor, giving them all the excuse that he\u2019s going away to Seattle that Saturday. McKayla takes it the hardest, but it\u2019s E-rock-a I feel for the most. <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not about to go back and reread the old blogs, but I remember liking E-rock a bit more than the other humans in this book. Female E-rock is just as pitiful and when she asks Beau out, I was really rooting for her. Too bad this book will treat her like the first contestant to be eliminated on a reality show. Sorry E, but Beau is gonna forget all about you faster than you can say, \u201cBFN – best friend, for now!\u201d <\/p>\n

Had I written this book, E-rock (male or female) would have learned the secrets of the vampires and werewolves, and after getting picked on, would have devoted his\/her life to intense self-defense training, thus becoming a monster hunter who wears a ragged cowboy hat and is armed with a mystical hatchet and a rifle that shoots flaming shark teeth. And he\/she will have wonderful one-liners to say after something brutal happens. And he\/she has a scar over their eye. <\/p>\n

But that\u2019s just me\u2026<\/p>\n

Amid all the ladies fawning over Beau like he\u2019s a brand new Beyonce album smothered in Nutella, Beau and Edythe are still working on their budding relationship. Edythe tells Beau that it\u2019s better if they\u2019re not friends. And Beau doesn\u2019t understand. I don\u2019t understand either, but it\u2019s because the dialogue of this chapter reads like a poorly directed Sunday School puppet show.<\/p>\n

Edythe doesn\u2019t want to talk to Beau, and then she does, and then she doesn\u2019t. Pff. Women — am I right? [chest bumps the air]<\/p>\n

Beau is firm in his plans to drive to Seattle the day of the dance, but the chapter ends with Edythe offering to give him a ride. Beau doesn\u2019t know what to do, but finally agrees. <\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 3 <\/strong>
\nTotal: 9
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prediction<\/strong>
\nEDYTHE<\/strong>: I\u2019m not talking to you. Trust me. It\u2019s better this way.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Fine.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Okay, now I\u2019m talking to you because I like you.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Neat.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> But we can\u2019t be friends. Trust me.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Cool.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> But I could drive you to Seattle. Trust me.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Rad.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> During the ride, you cannot talk to me, or look at me. Because it\u2019s better if we don\u2019t communicate. We can never be friends. Trust me. It\u2019s for the best.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Gotcha.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> But we can tickle each other. Trust me.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Okay\u2026.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> But if I tickle you, you cannot laugh. It\u2019s better this way. Trust me.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Wonderful.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Also, since it\u2019s better if we\u2019re not friends, I should sneak into your room at night, and watch you sleep, to make sure you don\u2019t accidentally befriend me in your sleep. Because we cannot be friends. It\u2019s better this way. Trust me.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Uh-huh.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Trust me.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Wow…it\u2019s hard to communicate with girls.
\nHARRY POTTER:<\/strong> That\u2019s why I date lamps!
\n[E-Rock-a Monster Hunter arrives in her bullet-proof armored car. She hops out and throws the severed heads of three vampires on the ground. Then she takes out a highlighter and highlights their faces.]<\/em>
\nE-ROCK-A:<\/strong> Teacher should give me an A, because I just read…a head!
\n[Loud rock music erupts from thin air]<\/em><\/p>\n

How many magic pencils do you own? Increase your pencil arsenal with Power Pencils! These magically etched staffs of energy are made by Dan Bergstein himself. Order them at PowerPencils.com<\/strong><\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

New Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. <\/strong><\/p>\n

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter<\/a>, Facebook <\/a>and Instagram<\/a>! <\/strong><\/p>\n