{"id":3385,"date":"2015-10-12T21:11:42","date_gmt":"2015-10-13T01:11:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3385"},"modified":"2015-10-12T21:23:21","modified_gmt":"2015-10-13T01:23:21","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3385","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part 3"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Chapter 3:<\/strong> Phenomenon
\nBetter Title:<\/strong> He Said\/She Said<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is the chapter in which Beau nearly dies in a car crash, but is saved at the last minute by Super Edythe. It\u2019s a short chapter, but it has filled me with questions regarding gender roles, and anger regarding stupid quote attribution words,\u201d Dan wrote. <\/p>\n

As a general rule, I hate any quote attribution that isn\u2019t a simple \u201cshe said,\u201d \u201che said,\u201d \u201cthey said.\u201d Mumbles and mutters aside, this book is filled with unnecessary quote attribution. <\/p>\n

Examples from this chapter:<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t move,\u201d someone instructed<\/strong>. <\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019s cold,\u201d I complained<\/strong>. <\/p>\n

\u201cBe careful,\u201d she warned <\/strong>as I struggled. <\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been a professional editor for more than a decade, and as an editor I would have tossed this entire thing into a fire, and then tossed the fire into acid, and tossed the acid into a black hole. But if I can pass along any advice to other writers, let it be this:<\/p>\n

First, don\u2019t use fancy quote attribution. It weakens your voice and your work. The words and context should be enough for the reader to grasp what\u2019s happening. <\/p>\n

Second, you can use fancy quote attributions all you want, because the English language is stupid and there\u2019s no accounting for taste. So you can ignore the first rule, but don\u2019t expect me to pat you on the back if you write crap like: \u201cI love you,\u201d he enunciated. <\/p>\n

(Editor’s Note: Yes, I make huge massive mistakes and typos in these blogs. It’s because I type fast and furiously. No one is perfect, except pterodactyls — they were nature’s dragons.) <\/p>\n

In the mountain of things wrong with Twilight, the quote attribution is but a pebble. It just bugged me more today for some reason. Now let\u2019s talk about sex! <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not afraid to talk about gender roles in our society. I\u2019m afraid of dying and I\u2019m afraid of picking up a cat, which is why I\u2019ve never done either, but I can talk about gender. <\/p>\n

I\u2019m saying this to preface the following question:<\/p>\n

As a woman, would you be attracted to a character as weak and helpless as Beau? <\/p>\n

There\u2019s no right or wrong answer here. It\u2019s a rhetorical question…for now. We\u2019ll see how (or if) the story veers away from the patriarchal, icky caveman relationship of the original Twilight and offers us something more interesting with Edythe and Beau. (Predicted Spoiler Alert: It\u2019s not gonna change much.)<\/p>\n

It\u2019s just something to consider. This book is aimed at the original Twilight audience, most of whom are female. As such, you\u2019d expect this book to express a female fantasy. And so I\u2019m wondering — could there be an untapped market of female readers who want to read stories about super-hot, perfect women sexing up with dweeby, clumsy dudes? <\/p>\n

Is that a thing?<\/p>\n

WHY ISN\u2019T THAT THING!?<\/p>\n

I\u2019m talking about love stories between people like Wonder Woman and Bob from Bob\u2019s Burgers<\/em>. Do women want that? From a guy\u2019s point of view it can be fun, but this is a story for women. <\/p>\n

And I know that in a perfect world there would be no gender genres and all books would just be books, but this is a series of stereotypical books directly aimed at stereotypical women. And again I ask, do women like this?<\/p>\n

In the original book, Edward was certainly not a fantasy character for me (a heterosexual man who’s slightly afraid of cats). His perfection was annoying, I hated how everything worked out for him, I hated him for being a galaxy-class asshole and I was in no way jealous or envious of his love life. And yet I know more than a few women loved Edward to the point of tattooing his face on their bodies. <\/p>\n

Now with the roles swapped, I wonder if women think Edythe is totally rad and if Beau is desirable. I still hate all of them, but that\u2019s just me (a heterosexual man who reads Twilight…for some reason). <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure I’m making my point, or if there even is a point. It\u2019s been a long day. So if none of that makes sense I\u2019m sorry. <\/p>\n

Today, I read the scene in which Edythe stops a sliding car from pancaking Beau. It\u2019s the same scene from the first book, which means Beau doesn\u2019t die but instead gets banged up a bit so he\u2019s taken to the hospital. <\/p>\n

There were meet Dr. Cullen, who\u2019s now a woman. Women can be doctors now? CRAZY! <\/p>\n

Once again, Stephenie Meyer shows us that everything she knows regarding teenage boys, she learned by reading the Wikipedia entry. <\/p>\n

When Beau sees Dr. Cullen, he describes her, \u201cLike someone sliced up Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and Marilyn Monroe, took the best parts, and glued them together to form a goddess.\u201d <\/p>\n

HAHAHAHAhahAHhahhahahahahahha!
\n<\/em>
\nHahaha! <\/p>\n

What the shit is that? <\/p>\n

Audrey Hepburn? Grace Kelly? Marilyn Monroe? <\/p>\n

Line up 100 teenage boys right now, ask them each to list 100,000 beautiful women, and I\u2019m pretty sure none of them will say Hepburn or Kelly. They might say Marilyn Monroe, but only because they ran out of other names and really, really want to go home. <\/p>\n

Even the most sensitive of high school boys, he who reads poetry at lunch and wears sweater vests to the beach, wouldn\u2019t compare a hot mom to those three. I\u2019ll give 20 brand new Dan Points to any boy between the ages of 13-18 who can list more than one Grace Kelly movie. Hell, let\u2019s make it 2,000 Dan Points! <\/p>\n

(Entries must be in by the end of the day. No cheating. Taxes and data fees may apply.) <\/p>\n

Wow, this book is gonna be fun! <\/p>\n

Anyway, Beau knows that Edythe used her superpowers to save his life, even if Edythe refuses to admit it. The biggest change to this chapter is that the van which almost killed Beau is now driven by a woman. Women can be drivers now? CRAZY!<\/p>\n

Instead of Tyler, the character\u2019s name is Taylor. Women can be named Taylor now? CRAZY!<\/p>\n

Edythe refuses to tell Beau the truth, and Beau refuses to let it go. So the chapter ends with everyone pissed off, especially me. <\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles: 1
\nTotal: 6
\n<\/strong>
\nPrediction<\/strong>
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Climb on my back and I\u2019ll playfully carry you through the forest.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Um…nah. It\u2019s okay.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Are you afraid of looking like less of man as you cling to my back?
\nBEAU:<\/strong> It\u2019s not that.
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> It shall be so fun, rushing through the trees as you hold my strong neck with your weak, pale arms. And your dainty legs wrapped around my toned thighs like two pieces of overcooked spaghetti desperately grasping at two columns of pure marble.
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Um\u2026
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Tears stinging your frightened boyish face as your feeble frame cradles my body like a baby koala. I\u2019m getting so turned on!!!!
\nBEAU:<\/strong> Maybe I\u2019ll just walk?
\nEDYTHE:<\/strong> Oh, my precious baby lamb. Where are you going? Is it something I said? Do you want me to hold you? Do you want me to kill a scary spider for you? Do you need help with power tools? Maybe I can woman-splain something for you so you\u2019ll understand it better? Baby lamb? Oh, my baby boy lamb!
\nLADY-QUIL: <\/strong>Even I think your emasculating him, and I\u2019m dating someone who still thinks all animals are ‘doggie.’ <\/p>\n

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