{"id":3369,"date":"2015-10-09T13:36:31","date_gmt":"2015-10-09T17:36:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3369"},"modified":"2015-10-09T14:01:24","modified_gmt":"2015-10-09T18:01:24","slug":"blogging-twilight-life-and-death-part-two","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=3369","title":{"rendered":"Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Two"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Have you ever watched a TV show or movie and in it someone is playing a videogame, but you know they\u2019re playing the game completely wrong, moving the controller way too much and spastically slapping at the buttons like a hyper puppy? It\u2019s terrible. <\/p>\n

Such is the case with Life and Death<\/em>. Stephenie Meyer has no clue what it\u2019s like to be a teenage boy, and all she\u2019s doing is moving the controller around and slapping the buttons and hoping no one will notice. <\/p>\n

I notice. <\/p>\n

The second chapter of Life and Death<\/em> contains the all important first conversation between Beau and Edythe. I\u2019m still having trouble with these names. Edythe is just \u201cEdy The,\u201d as in: Edy the asshole.<\/p>\n

Before we get to the moment of true love, Beau sets up more detail about Forks. We learn that the weather is cold and wet, but the people are generally nice and easy-going. <\/p>\n

It snows, and when Beau witnesses the weather phenomenon for the first time, he acts like a stuck up crank tank. <\/p>\n

\u201cEwwww…I don\u2019t like the snow. Ewwww…it\u2019s cold. Ewwww…it\u2019s wet. Ewwww…it\u2019s nature\u2019s ballet as water is petrified into crystals more delicate than china and more unique than all the paintings in the world. I don\u2019t like it. It\u2019s gross and ewww! I\u2019m a boy, this time.\u201d – Beau Swan (paraphrased)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

If you saw snow for the first time, even if you hate cold weather and rain, you would still find it more interesting than Beau finds it. He acts like God is peeing on him, and whines that the flakes don\u2019t look like they do in pictures. <\/p>\n

Screw you, Beau. (Anyone know how to add “Screw you, Beau” to a hot key so I don’t have to type it every time? Could save me a lot of energy.)<\/p>\n

Had the story been set in modern times, instead of ancient 2005, Beau would be the type of person who\u2019d rather look at his phone than tilt his head up to see a meteor shower, or the kind that reads a book during Jurassic World<\/em>. When you see nature\u2019s exquisite beauty (snow, meteor, Jurassic Park), you look at it, ass-nozzle. <\/p>\n

Ugh. I hate him. I hate him so much already. <\/p>\n

Beau notices that Edythe hasn\u2019t been to school in a week, and he\u2019s glad because things ended awkwardly after their first bio class together. He still looks for her every day, and tells us how attractive her brothers and sisters are for page after page, using words better suited for a 30-year-old woman looking for love, than a real teenager.<\/p>\n

If Beau were a real teenager, this chapter would have been one sentence: School was fine.<\/p>\n

I understand the need to get into the character’s head, and surely there are sensitive teen boys in the world (I was probably one of them), but I can\u2019t imagine any other teen from literature who acted this much like a lovelorn mom struggling through the holidays in a Hallmark Channel original movie. <\/p>\n

Not even the big whiners like Holden \u201cPhony\u201d Caufield and Nick \u201cJazz Hands\u201d Callaway would be this sticky and sad. I\u2019ve seen cartoon cereal mascots that seemed more realistic than Beau. <\/p>\n

Meanwhile, McKayla is all up in Beau\u2019s business, acting super friendly and doing everything to get his attention besides tongue kissing him and screaming, \u201cNow we\u2019re married!\u201d <\/p>\n

E-rock-a is also hanging around, but Beau is interested only in Edythe and —<\/p>\n

JUST ENJOY THE SNOW, YOU SPOILED DOUCHE BAG! <\/p>\n

I can\u2019t let this go.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s snow! It falls from the heavens and it\u2019s beautiful and you sit there with your assy face and whine about it being cold. You know what else is cold? Your future girlfriend\u2019s vagina!!!
\n<\/strong><\/em>
\nIf you hate the cold now, think about putting the most sensitive part of your body into a rock hard ice cave.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been five years since I blogged these books, so by now we\u2019re all adult enough to use big-boy language here. <\/p>\n

There\u2019s nothing sexy about an ice cold vagina. (Or an ice cold penis.) And there\u2019s nothing wonderful about caressing a rock-hard boob. Fall in love all you want, kiddos, but when it comes time to special hug, it\u2019s gonna feel like diving into a pile of Lego. <\/p>\n

Sorry. Had to just get that out there. I feel better. Good talk. <\/p>\n

Eventually Edythe returns to school and Beau is freaking out. What if she hates me? What if she thinks I smell. What if it snows more?!?!<\/em><\/p>\n

But as we all know, Edythe no longer acts like a mean girl. Now she\u2019s happy and friendly, and strikes up a conversation with Beau during biology class. <\/p>\n

This is where we see the relationship form, a relationship built on stilted dialogue, cliche, and all the charm of the public bathroom at the park. <\/p>\n

Edythe asks Beau questions about his life, and Beau doesn\u2019t know how to handle this. They murmur and mutter their way through a conversation that makes the conversation happening next to me at the coffee shop seem goddamn fascinating. (One guy is telling another guy about ad revenue in regards to billboards. I think they’re falling in love!!!) <\/p>\n

The rest is pretty much the same, only now Edythe has longer hair. <\/p>\n

Murmurs\/Mutters\/Mumbles<\/strong>: 5<\/p>\n

Prediction
\nSTEPHENIE MEYER: <\/strong>What should we have for dinner?
\nFRIEND:<\/strong> We could go to Panera.
\nSTEPHENIE: <\/strong>Or I could make dinner using leftovers from a decade ago.
\nFRIEND:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think it\u2019ll taste good.
\nSTEPHENIE:<\/strong> Nonsense! Everyone loved my famous Macaroni and Cheese from 10 years ago! I can reheat that.
\nFRIEND:<\/strong> No thank you. I never liked your mac-n-cheese. I just said I did to fit in.
\nSTEPHENIE:<\/strong> But what if I call it — Cheese and Macaroni<\/em>! See? Different! And intriguing. [raises eyebrow]
\nFRIEND:<\/strong> Can I go?
\nSTEPHENIE:<\/strong> You owe me $30 for the Cheese and Macaroni. And tomorrow, we\u2019re having Cheddar Noodles for breakfast, and Pasta-n-Cow Sauce for lunch!!!
\nFRIEND:<\/strong> These chains hurt my wrist.
\nSTEPHENIE:<\/strong> No they don’t.<\/p>\n

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New Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!<\/strong><\/p>\n