{"id":300,"date":"2010-12-14T18:46:27","date_gmt":"2010-12-14T23:46:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=300"},"modified":"2010-12-14T18:46:27","modified_gmt":"2010-12-14T23:46:27","slug":"dans-christmas-list","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laserfarm.com\/?p=300","title":{"rendered":"Dan’s Christmas List"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Christmas is right around the corner and while I have no doubt that whatever gift you give me will be nothing short of wonderful, I thought it would make things easier if I compiled a list of the things I really want. <\/p>\n

To prevent duplicates, please check with everyone I know to make sure you’re not buying the same thing and just to be safe, always keep the receipt. If you want to buy something not on the list, please remember that I already own a fake pigeon and I wear a size XL belly chain.<\/p>\n

This is my list for 2010. <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

1.\tScented candle that smells like tigers.
\n2.\tA tiny cabinet made from George Washington\u2019s wooden dentures.
\n3.\tMembership to a service that\u2019s like Netflix but for snakes.
\n4.\tA crown that looks cool – So cool that no one will say, \u201cThat idiot looks stupid in that stupid crown. He\u2019s the king of Dork-lahoma.\u201d
\n5.\tCrown polish.
\n6.\tA turtle.
\n7.\tA turtle habitat.
\n8.\tA turtle knife.
\n9.\tA book on making\/selling turtle-bone jewelry.
\n10.\tA chair that does other stuff.
\n11.\tA clock tower.
\n12.\tShoes that are more than just shoes.
\n13.\tA box with something amazing inside.
\n14.\tThe lungs of a unicorn.
\n15.\tThe rest of a unicorn.
\n16.\tMagic kit.
\n17.\tInvisible frog.
\n18.\tVisible wind.
\n19.\tA video game that is incredibly easy for me to play but satanically difficult for every other person on the planet.
\n20.\tA mountain that only I can see.
\n21.\tFresh penguin meat. None of that canned crap.
\n22.\tThe friendship of a time-traveling cat.
\n23.\tPinochle instruction book.
\n24.\tPinochle cards.
\n25.\tPinochle hammer(?)
\n26.\tFlorida.
\n27.\tA Pillow Pet in the shape of Tom Hanks and\/or Julia Roberts.
\n28.\tA stingray that flies in the air like a bat, but not just a bat that\u2019s wearing a stingray costume. I\u2019m not stupid, ya know.
\n29.\tA map to real treasure, treasure that I can have and am not required to donate to a dumb museum.
\n30.\tA sexy toothbrush.
\n31.\tA tooth brush. (Paint brush made out of teeth. Duh.)
\n32.\tBlow darts.
\n33.\tSize XXL clown collar.
\n34.\tA tree that\u2019s not as arrogant as most trees.
\n35.\tMore blow darts.
\n36.\tTilda Swinton\u2019s Academy Award.
\n37.\tA cell phone battery that lasts longer than 2 minutes. (Hahahaha\u2026Just kidding. I know such a thing doesn\u2019t exist.)
\n38.\tA real live sphinx.
\n39.\tA dead sphinx so I can harvest its organs should the live sphinx get sick or critically wounded.
\n40.\tThe ears of my enemy.
\n41.\tEnough Silly Putty to fill seven boots.
\n42.\tA sweater that is also pants.
\n43.\tAn autographed photo of actor Jude Law which reads, \u201cHey Dan, you are so much better than me. I\u2019m a lousy person who isn\u2019t all that great. My fame is a fluke of nature, like spontaneous combustion, and I should really be a sales associate at Hollister Co. instead of an actor. Best wishes – \u2018Rude\u2019 Law.\u201d
\n44.\tA falcon.
\n45.\tWicker shoes.
\n46.\tAn 8 oz. bottle of Ben Franklin\u2019s saliva or tears. (Or a Home Depot gift card of equal value.)
\n47.\tMy own personal fife. (I\u2019m sick of renting.)
\n48.\tJetpack.
\n49.\tJetpack fuel.
\n50.\tJetpack helmet.
\n51.\tFire-retardant slacks.
\n52.\tBird-resistant goggles.
\n53.\tJetpack insurance.
\n54.\tA bucket that is really, really, really good.
\n55.\tAn ending to my unpublished novel, \u201cDan Bergstein: One Man\u2019s Journey.\u201d
\n56.\tA bag of money in one of those money bags with the dollar sign on the front.
\n57.\tAn Irish accent.
\n58.\tEdible sunglasses. (Not licorice flavored!)
\n59.\tAnti-gravity chamber.
\n60.\tAny other kind of chamber.
\n61.\tChamber paint.
\n62.\tLeprechaun egg w\/ incubator.
\n63.\tOne of those folding metal tanning reflectors for your chin that you see in movies. I doubt they are real for I have never, ever seen one.
\n64.\tBlu-Ray player that also plays DVDs, VHS cassettes, and the harpsichord.
\n65.\tToaster Strudel icing.
\n66.\tA trampoline with another, inverted trampoline above it so that I can bounce up and down indefinitely.
\n67.\tMagic beans.
\n68.\tA river.
\n69.\tA shorter, better version of Inception<\/em>.
\n70.\tGloves.
\n71.\tA trap door.
\n72.\tA gallon of rain from 1956.
\n73.\tA sword made of either lightning or robots.
\n74.\tHelicopter that turns into a sofa.
\n75.\tA comb that isn\u2019t so aggressive.
\n76.\tSpider army.
\n77.\tThe ghost of Jim Henson.
\n78.\tA mid-air swimming pool.
\n79.\tOwl army.
\n80.\tTwo tickets to Jurassic Park\u2026the real one. Not the movie.
\n81.\tA new punctuation mark called \u201cNathan,\u201d that looks like a question mark but less showy.
\n82.\tA song about what it feels like to kill a polar bear with a grape\u2026performed by The Strokes.
\n83.\tA scarf that cures sore throats and makes you invisible to bees.
\n84.\tA partridge.
\n85.\tA pear tree.
\n86.\tPartridge glue. (Or a partridge leash. Partridge staples might work, too.)
\n87.\tA collectible keepsake tree ornament with printed date\u2026and that date should be 2035.
\n88.\tMy two front teeth.
\n89.\tDiane Sawyer\u2019s two front teeth.
\n90.\tKeys to the White House.
\n91.\tOne of those big poles that tightrope walkers use for balance.
\n92.\tMagic loom.
\n93.\tTunnel to Australia.
\n94.\tGum that makes me more handsome.
\n95.\tA pine cone with googly-eyes glued on the front.
\n96.\tThe helium balloon I lost when I was 6. It was blue.
\n97.\tA record contract.
\n98.\tA new color that looks like green when viewed with your left eye, but purple when viewed with your right eye and it smells like the color crimson. The color will be called \u201cblellow.\u201d
\n99.\tThe ability to digest wood.
\n100.\tWorld Peace.
\n101.\tMoon War.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s about it. Let me know what you want for Christmas, but keep in mind that I already bought your present. Hope you like Popsicles. (Popsicles is what I named the can of cat food I got you. Act surprised.)<\/p>\n