Leaked script page…
COACH: Listen up. There’s only one person who can take this team to the finals, and that’s me. I’m the guy who can do it. I say what needs to be said and I’ll do what needs to be done. We’re a strong team, but we could be great. And I’ll make this team great.
PLAYER: How coach?
COACH: First, let me remind you all that I am a very successful dentist. I’m the best dentist in the entire state. No contest. Everyone knows that I’m a great dentist. I have decades of dental experience and have won nine dental awards for dentistry, including the Golden Molar, which I brought with me. Pass this around. [Hands award to the players]
PLAYER: It’s heavy.
COACH: Do you have any idea how difficult it was to become coach? It wasn’t easy. Every day I was hounded by people saying, “You’ll never be coach,” or “You have no coaching experience!” Well, look at me now! I’m coaching my second game of college basketball–
PLAYER: Football, sir.
COACH: Football? Okay, good. That’s great. So here I am coaching my second game of football and no one thought I could do it. Everyone said I would fail. But I didn’t fail. And I did it all thanks to my supporters in the Athletics Department who offered me the job because they knew it was time for a change, and I was the person for the job. And know that I got the job because I’m great. It had nothing to do with my best friend sneaking into the office and stealing all the other job applications and resumes. He did that on his own. He just likes to steal applications. Nothing to do with me or how I got this job. And if you say otherwise, that’s slander or libel. You belong in prison. Besides, if the Athletics Department didn’t want the other applications stolen, they shouldn’t have stored them on a computer. Anything on a computer is free to the world. It’s called “the internet.” Look it up, chumps! Fair game. Continue reading Coach’s Pep Talk
Mark Loogus – CEO, VizTech Pool Furniture
Tina McCork – VP Digital Marketing
Linus Roth – VP Branding and Petroleum Engineering
Francesca Albers – Director of Content
Simon Paulson – Content Director
Doug – Millennial Intern
MARK LOOGUS: Should we get this meeting started?
TINA MCCORK: Great. Yes. Over the past nine months we have monitored every video on YouTube. All of them. We watched all of them. And we tracked the analytics of each video using illegal software developed by a mysterious organization with an address in Sri Lanka. Simon, would you care to speak to that?
SIMON PAULSON: No. Not really. It’s all pretty…iffy. The takeaway is that we have mountains of data. From this data, we should be able to create a perfect YouTube video, one that will connect with every person in the world.
MARK: I like that. I like the sound of that. That’s a good angle. Every person, huh? Walk me through the video pitch. What will our video look like?
FRANCESCA ALBERS: Let’s start with the cover image of the video — the still that will appear as a thumbnail on YouTube’s main page. The data indicates this is important. Right now, we’re playing around with the idea of a sexy woman standing in a scene from The Shawshank Redemption.
SIMON: It tracks well, sir. Trust us.
MARK: Go on.
SIMON: In this cover image, there will be a red arrow pointing at the woman’s elbow. And there will be a red circle around the character Andy’s wrist.
FRANCESA: Doesn’t matter. When people see red arrows and circles, and they can’t tell what the indicators mean, they will click the video to learn what these arrows and circles are all about. But we never mention the arrow or circle in the video. They just exist outside of the narrative…like phantoms. It’s best not to think about them. Continue reading Daily Transmission #18: Creating the Perfect YouTube Video
My fellow Americans, I stand here humbled by your decision to elect me leader of this great nation. During the past fifteen months I have seen the very meaning of Americanship, and I will use that Americanship to bring this country to its peak of prosperity and glory.
The campaign trail was tough and difficult. It was harder than anything you had to do. Many times I wanted to give up, like in Indiana when a young girl came up to me and said, “Quit.” That same day, another little girl, a better little girl, also came up to me and said, “I saw you on TV,” and that changed everything. That same little girl is here today, standing in the cold January air for hours because her parents made her come and told her this was a big deal. It is a big deal, Alison. And making that face won’t make this speech any shorter.
Our country is clearly divided. It’s mostly my fault, but now as your president, I will bring this country together. You will see that I am a man of all people: Black or white, man or not man, wheelchaired or regular.
NEWS ANCHOR KIRK FATHOMS
…and despite the lion’s appetite, none of the astronauts were injured. Now let’s get a check on the weather from Channel 18’s Dory Milltrout. Dory, what can we expect with this storm?
Thanks Kirk. We’re tracking the storm and it looks like we could be in for some significant snowfall totals. Let’s take a look at the big board.
As you can see, the storm is moving in from the west and bringing with it a lot of moisture. Now, the storm could change track, and instead of snow, we may end up with three inches of dead turtles. It all depends on how the storm tracks. The next twelve hours are critical.
The computer models for the storm can’t seem to agree on snowfall/turtle totals. In fact, one model says the storm will miss us completely, but this is the same weather model that once told us Vicky’s party was a costume party, when it was definitely not a costume party. So…that’s something to consider. Continue reading Daily Transmission #7: Weather Report