Tag Archives: Science

This Blog Is Engaging and Perfect

“The ideal reading length for a blog post is seven minutes. That translates to roughly 1,600 words.” – Content writing advice offered by marketing experts.

Seven minutes? That makes sense. I haven’t timed my eyeballs or my brain, but spending seven minutes on a blog seems right. If you want an engaging blog, it should take seven minutes to read. However, here we are at the mere 70-word mark and, whoa boy, I’m not sure I can make it to the full 1,600 with this little blog. Right now, it’s more a greeting card than a blog. And we all know how non-impactful (impactless?) and non-viral (healthy?) a greeting card is. I don’t want this to be a willowy and weak greeting card. This is a powerful and mighty blog! This needs to be something big, something substantial, something you can print out and nail to the wall with a railroad spike!
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Fake Space!

Scientists were very excited to announce this week that they’ve found seven new Earth-like planets a mere 40 light-years away. These planets might be able to support life and this is big news.

But there’s one problem: How do we know the scientists are telling the truth? We can’t check for ourselves.

That’s a red flag.

I looked up in the sky last night and I did not see seven new planets. I couldn’t even see one new planet! It was cloudy last night, but surely these planets, if they are truly anything like Earth, would shine very bright.

It seems NASA and the other space doctors all wants us to believe they, and they alone, have found these seven planets. But if what they say is true, they should let us each have a turn looking into their fancy telescope so we can see for ourselves. I trust only my own eyes and mind, and before I believe anything so-called scientists say, I want to hear from all sides of the situation and then I will make up my own mind about these planets and their existence.

Making up my own mind means I can’t even trust the telescope these scientist used. Such a telescope is biased — it’s a telescope designed to find new planets. How can you trust that?

As such, it’s important for me and the entire world that these scientists come to my house and point out these new planets without using a biased-telescope. I have a pair of binoculars that I trust because I once used them to spot a real eagle, so if the scientists come to my house and use those binoculars to show me the new planets, then I may begin to believe them. Then again, can we really trust someone who wants us to be wrong?

That’s what I’m saying!

Trust me on this.

There are no new planets. If there were, it would throw off the orbit of the sun and change our gravity. And that hasn’t happened. This news of new planets is just more lies from the science community which they use to make advertising money and then that money is traded with foreign countries in exchange for sex people and cocaine. I’ve seen the documents. For more on this, you really should attend the weekly meeting.

Please share this with all of your family and friends and neighbors because we need to get the truth out there before the scientist begin raising money for “trips” to these new planets. These trips are really just money schemes like the time Brad tried to sell me oranges that I knew were just orange-colored limes created by the government to soften our bones.

Daily Transmission #34: Super Bowl Facts

You may find yourself at a Super Bowl party this Sunday, and you may feel the need to talk about sports. If you don’t know anything about sports, relax. I’ve got your covered. Become a conversation all-star with any of these sport facts!

“Touchdown” is short for “To Touch the Crown” taken from the poem “League of Kings” published in 1802. It originally referred only to horse racing.

Each black stripe on an official’s uniform represents an unjust murder.

One player on each team spends the entire game in the temple, praying for peace.

The shape of the football is the exact orbital arc of Earth around the sun.

The left goalpost is called “The Joseph” and the right post is called “Yella’ Tommy.” The bar connecting the two is known as “Cat’s Trough.”

The extra point was introduced in 1972 after a Green Bay player did a very good job and the officials felt the entire team should be rewarded for his bravery.

There are 100 yards on a football field — ten yards for every letter in the word “football” plus twenty yards for good luck.

The average American will spend 45-seconds of the Super Bowl saying the word “Holding!”

Whichever player picks up a yellow flag tossed by an official receives three secret bonus tokens that can be used to buy snacks and goodies from the cart in the locker room.

The 1982 Super Bowl ended in a 0 to 0 tie after both teams agreed to share the trophy.

If the quarterback throws the ball, and the ball hits a bird, the bird (if it survives) is technically part of the team and must be paid the league minimum salary.

No one in the NFL is currently named Meredith, but it can be a boy’s name.

Coaches often cover their mouths when giving instructions because they worry about spreading germs and getting their key players sick.

More people will watch the Super Bowl than were stung by a bee this year. And it’s only getting worse.

Daily Transmission #3: The Problem With Infinite Realities

The concept of multiple universes or infinite realities seems to have taken hold of our sci-fi/fantasy worlds recently. One basic theory: Every decision you make creates a reality, but there also exists trillions upon billions of other realities based on the decisions you didn’t make. If you drink orange juice in the morning, your reality is based on that decision. Drink milk instead, and another you — an alternate you — will experience an alternate reality with different events.

Walk that theory out past your brain meat and you get something that states: There exists an infinite number of realities in which an infinite number of possibilities occur.

As such, there is a reality for everything — a reality in which you’re reading this on a beach in Hawaii, another in which you’re not reading this at all because you died in a fight with a dinosaur, another reality in which you can’t understand these words because they are not written in Moon Language, your native tongue. There is a reality for every scenario.

Cool stuff, right?

But there’s a huge problem with that thinking, something that has given me headaches and nosebleeds for months.

Consider this: If there are are infinite number of realities, one of those realities must be a reality without any other realities. Therefore, we must be in that reality because there can only be that one reality, because we’re already in it.

Confused? SHUT UP! I’m not an astro-doctor, so it’s difficult to express my think sauce clearly.

Let me try to repeat the idea again with different words.

If there is a reality for every possibility, one of those possibilities must be a reality in which no other realities exist. And if that one reality exists, no other realities can exist…so that must be the one we’re living in.

Get it?

It helps if you’ve been drinking a lot of coffee, but trust me…my findings are sound. And I’m not just saying that so you’ll stop trying to find the Good Dan who is definitely not trapped in the Laser Farm root cellar. So don’t even bother looking there.