The new Pepsi ad sure is offensive. And so are war crimes. With so much offensiveness occurring, we need to measure our feelings against this handy color chart. This will make communicating in the modern world easy and stress-free!
There’s nothing fun about filing taxes, but many Americans are so confused by the laws and regulations that they might be leaving money in the pocket of Uncle Sam. Don’t miss out on these loopholes and opportunities.
1. Money spent in an airplane is tax deductible. If you’re in the sky, you are technically no longer on Earth. Taxes only apply to Earth. Money spent off Earth is tax free.
2. As stated in The Constitution, the amount you owe the government can never exceed the last four digits of your Social Security Number.
3. When filing your taxes electronically, use coupon code “FREEDOM2017” and receive a 5% discount.
4. You don’t have to pay taxes if you promise to help out around the country.
5. Halloween candy counts as earned income. Continue reading 10 Tax Tips That Can Save You Thousands
Scientists were very excited to announce this week that they’ve found seven new Earth-like planets a mere 40 light-years away. These planets might be able to support life and this is big news.
But there’s one problem: How do we know the scientists are telling the truth? We can’t check for ourselves.
That’s a red flag.
I looked up in the sky last night and I did not see seven new planets. I couldn’t even see one new planet! It was cloudy last night, but surely these planets, if they are truly anything like Earth, would shine very bright.
It seems NASA and the other space doctors all wants us to believe they, and they alone, have found these seven planets. But if what they say is true, they should let us each have a turn looking into their fancy telescope so we can see for ourselves. I trust only my own eyes and mind, and before I believe anything so-called scientists say, I want to hear from all sides of the situation and then I will make up my own mind about these planets and their existence.
Making up my own mind means I can’t even trust the telescope these scientist used. Such a telescope is biased — it’s a telescope designed to find new planets. How can you trust that?
As such, it’s important for me and the entire world that these scientists come to my house and point out these new planets without using a biased-telescope. I have a pair of binoculars that I trust because I once used them to spot a real eagle, so if the scientists come to my house and use those binoculars to show me the new planets, then I may begin to believe them. Then again, can we really trust someone who wants us to be wrong?
That’s what I’m saying!
Trust me on this.
There are no new planets. If there were, it would throw off the orbit of the sun and change our gravity. And that hasn’t happened. This news of new planets is just more lies from the science community which they use to make advertising money and then that money is traded with foreign countries in exchange for sex people and cocaine. I’ve seen the documents. For more on this, you really should attend the weekly meeting.
Please share this with all of your family and friends and neighbors because we need to get the truth out there before the scientist begin raising money for “trips” to these new planets. These trips are really just money schemes like the time Brad tried to sell me oranges that I knew were just orange-colored limes created by the government to soften our bones.
As Donald Trump began his 2020 campaign this past weekend in Florida, we’re just a few weeks away from seeing his new campaign slogan. Here’s an early look:
- Make America Even More Greater!
- Beware the Temper of the Emperor
- If You Don’t Vote For Me No One Can Protect You From Bug-People
- I Already Won. Period.
- Or Else…
- Daddy Says So
- Of Course There Will Be No Presidential Debates. Why Would I Debate? I’ve Already Won Once! Debates Are For Losers. No Debates!
- Tax Returns To Be Released Immediately After This Election (promise)
- Sorry, Not Sorry
- Sorry About Russia. Not!
- Sorry About Mexico
- Sorry About What I Did To The Moon
- Your Vote Doesn’t Even Matter Because of Fake News
- 11 More Years!
- Begun, The Clone War Has
- I’m Okay With Jews. Really.
- You Can’t Vote Me Out. Illegal. Big Time Illegal. Unfair.
- I Can Throw This Ball Over The House In One Shot!
- I Got Rid of Mexicans. I Can Get Rid of You.
- Newspapers Give You Brain-Aches
- Shut Up! You Have To Like Me! I Won!
- Make America So Fast and Strong
- Did You Know I Own Mar-A-Lago?
- You Can’t Handle The Truth
- Why I Oughta…
- You’d Trust Me To Babysit Your Kids, Right? WHY NOT!?
- Everyone Will Vote For Me, And If They Don’t It’s Not Real And That’s Truth America
- My 2017 Inauguration Was So Big, It’s Still Happening
COACH: Listen up. There’s only one person who can take this team to the finals, and that’s me. I’m the guy who can do it. I say what needs to be said and I’ll do what needs to be done. We’re a strong team, but we could be great. And I’ll make this team great.
PLAYER: How coach?
COACH: First, let me remind you all that I am a very successful dentist. I’m the best dentist in the entire state. No contest. Everyone knows that I’m a great dentist. I have decades of dental experience and have won nine dental awards for dentistry, including the Golden Molar, which I brought with me. Pass this around. [Hands award to the players]
PLAYER: It’s heavy.
COACH: Do you have any idea how difficult it was to become coach? It wasn’t easy. Every day I was hounded by people saying, “You’ll never be coach,” or “You have no coaching experience!” Well, look at me now! I’m coaching my second game of college basketball–
PLAYER: Football, sir.
COACH: Football? Okay, good. That’s great. So here I am coaching my second game of football and no one thought I could do it. Everyone said I would fail. But I didn’t fail. And I did it all thanks to my supporters in the Athletics Department who offered me the job because they knew it was time for a change, and I was the person for the job. And know that I got the job because I’m great. It had nothing to do with my best friend sneaking into the office and stealing all the other job applications and resumes. He did that on his own. He just likes to steal applications. Nothing to do with me or how I got this job. And if you say otherwise, that’s slander or libel. You belong in prison. Besides, if the Athletics Department didn’t want the other applications stolen, they shouldn’t have stored them on a computer. Anything on a computer is free to the world. It’s called “the internet.” Look it up, chumps! Fair game. Continue reading Coach’s Pep Talk
Before you are allowed to be my friend and enter my home, you must fill out the following questionnaire. Access to my friendship and home will be based on your answers. (Please click images below to enlarge.)
After filling out the form, please provide me with your Twitter and Facebook passwords, photographic evidence that you were not anywhere near my goldfish when it died, a poem about how your ancestors were terrible, 78 forms of I.D. each signed by a famous celebrity, a flattering pen and ink drawing of me, and one bald eagle egg that’s ready to hatch.
Once all documents have been verified and you passed the exam, travel to the obstacle course for the physical portion of the friendship test. (You may want to stretch and get a pair of goggles.)
I hate writing about politics. I am not an expert. You should not care about my political opinions.
Who the hell do I think I am?
And for the most part, I ignore politics. I don’t care. In the grand adventure of human beings, politics is only a small part of the experience.
Humans are more than labels. Like a great book, we transcend genres. We are not simply Democrat or Republican, just as weather is not sun or rain — there are varying degrees and wind and sometimes tornadoes but also rainbows.
It’s all so wonderfully complicated.
However, as I watch protests occurring across the globe today, I want to say this:
The new President is an unapologetic bully and narcissist. He is a buffoon who has no business running an Arby’s let alone a country. He has done things that would get you fired from Arby’s — name calling, harassment, clandestine financial dealings with foreign enemies.
He is my President. I do not like him. I do not like his attitude. I do not like his policy. I do not like him.
That’s it. I don’t know if I feel any better. Just wanted to blurt out some thoughts.
Voters are still more interesting than simply being a Democrat or Republican. I know this. Some of my best friends and family members have political opinions that differ greatly from my own. I still love them. We are more than politics.
I can hate the President and still love those who supported him. Like I said…humans are complicated.
Sorry for rambling. Usual fun stuff will get posted tomorrow.
My fellow Americans, I stand here humbled by your decision to elect me leader of this great nation. During the past fifteen months I have seen the very meaning of Americanship, and I will use that Americanship to bring this country to its peak of prosperity and glory.
The campaign trail was tough and difficult. It was harder than anything you had to do. Many times I wanted to give up, like in Indiana when a young girl came up to me and said, “Quit.” That same day, another little girl, a better little girl, also came up to me and said, “I saw you on TV,” and that changed everything. That same little girl is here today, standing in the cold January air for hours because her parents made her come and told her this was a big deal. It is a big deal, Alison. And making that face won’t make this speech any shorter.
Our country is clearly divided. It’s mostly my fault, but now as your president, I will bring this country together. You will see that I am a man of all people: Black or white, man or not man, wheelchaired or regular.