Dear Mr. Sears:
I was saddened to hear the news that your chain of department stores is in financial straits. I’ve enjoyed your stores and would hate to see yet another retailer devoured by the snake that is online commerce. As such I have drafted a few outside-the-box tactics and tricks that will set Sear back on the sea of profits.
I’m about to save your entire company, at no cost to you. These are things online retailers can’t do. It’s time to use your advantage!
Here’s how to save Sears:
Better tasting mirrors in the changing room. Have you tasted your mirrors? Terrible! Surely you can add a nice, zero calorie orange-cream flavor to the mirrors. No other store (online or otherwise) offers such amenities, and this make shoppers flock to your store to see what all the buzz is about. May I recommend a print ad campaign based on the motto, “Sears: You’ll like the lick!”
Escalator sound effects. When going up the escalator, it should sound like rising piano notes. And when going down, it should sound like a trombone or slide-whistle going from high notes to low notes. I don’t know what that kind of music is called. Is that a scale? A crescendo? Not my problem, really.
Devote a section of the store to Tesla cars. Look, you don’t have to sell many. Just sell like one or two a day and you’d be set. Continue reading How to Save Sears