Dear Mr. Sears:
I was saddened to hear the news that your chain of department stores is in financial straits. I’ve enjoyed your stores and would hate to see yet another retailer devoured by the snake that is online commerce. As such I have drafted a few outside-the-box tactics and tricks that will set Sear back on the sea of profits.
I’m about to save your entire company, at no cost to you. These are things online retailers can’t do. It’s time to use your advantage!
Here’s how to save Sears:
Better tasting mirrors in the changing room. Have you tasted your mirrors? Terrible! Surely you can add a nice, zero calorie orange-cream flavor to the mirrors. No other store (online or otherwise) offers such amenities, and this make shoppers flock to your store to see what all the buzz is about. May I recommend a print ad campaign based on the motto, “Sears: You’ll like the lick!”
Escalator sound effects. When going up the escalator, it should sound like rising piano notes. And when going down, it should sound like a trombone or slide-whistle going from high notes to low notes. I don’t know what that kind of music is called. Is that a scale? A crescendo? Not my problem, really.
Devote a section of the store to Tesla cars. Look, you don’t have to sell many. Just sell like one or two a day and you’d be set. Continue reading How to Save Sears
There’s nothing fun about filing taxes, but many Americans are so confused by the laws and regulations that they might be leaving money in the pocket of Uncle Sam. Don’t miss out on these loopholes and opportunities.
1. Money spent in an airplane is tax deductible. If you’re in the sky, you are technically no longer on Earth. Taxes only apply to Earth. Money spent off Earth is tax free.
2. As stated in The Constitution, the amount you owe the government can never exceed the last four digits of your Social Security Number.
3. When filing your taxes electronically, use coupon code “FREEDOM2017” and receive a 5% discount.
4. You don’t have to pay taxes if you promise to help out around the country.
5. Halloween candy counts as earned income. Continue reading 10 Tax Tips That Can Save You Thousands
For the past eight months, I’ve been writing marketing content for a corporate client. It was interesting work and the people were very nice and professional. There was even a Starbucks in the building! I’m glad I took the gig. But it was a temporary project and it ends this week. Such is the life of a freelancer.
Now I’m free to do whatever the hell I want. And I don’t know what that is.
While I shove my resume around the internet and pitch stories to editors, I also want to reach out to see what other jobs and projects exist.
Do you know how many different jobs there are in the world? More than 100! And as much as I enjoy writing online content for media companies, I’m worried that I’ve been missing out on other types of work.
Hell, had I taken a slightly different career path, I could have been a professional puppet choreographer by now. But because I was never exposed to the world of puppet choreography, I never had the chance.
So I’m putting myself out there. I’m a professional writer and editor with fifteen years of experience. My fee is negotiable. My hours are flexible. And my mind is open.
I’d love to do something different and new. If you or someone you know is looking for creative talent, hit me up! Dan@PowerPencils.com
While I hunt for employment, I’ll still post daily stuff here on the website and you can always buy Power Pencils (until they sell out). Now…time to make some puppets dance.
A global media company is seeking an experienced writer to generate content for multiple channels. We value our creative talent and offer competitive benefits and salary.
The qualified applicant will write and publish daily content as well as take and edit all photographs for the entire company…and they better be good. In fact, don’t worry so much about making words. If you could just put together some amazing photos and logos…and videos! You’re good with video, too right? Most writers are. Isn’t there a Mark Twain award for video production? Should be. When not making videos and short films and shareable gifs, you will also be required to organize all of our data into measurable, easy-to-digest info nuggets. For instance, how many readers of your video actually engaged with the content? Just imagine how much better Moby Dick would have been had the author also published detailed analytical data regarding reader engagement and “likes”? Is a writer who doesn’t spend 94% of their workday navigating Google Analytics really a writer at all? And you will also do your own marketing during your personal time, so plan to spend nights and weekends bragging about your content and our company to friends and family. (We have a marketing department, but really, can’t you just do it?) As a writer, you’ll also need to do a substantial amount of baking. Get started at 3 a.m. so the bread is fresh and warm when we need it. And how are you with kites? Pretty good, we hope. The role of the writer also includes mild carpentry and you should be able to lift 60-lbs. over your head…and then onto a truck. Oh, and we don’t have a desk for you, so set yourself up in your car in the parking lot — but not too close to the building. The writer is also responsible for single-handedly saving this company from bankruptcy and failure to show provable results within two hours of hiring will result in public humiliation at company-wide meeting as the CEO will look at you and simply say, “Well?” in a very angry manner. And you have to generate the electricity which runs the building and you’ll be in charge of public relations and computer coding and if we get sick, you have to make us better.
8 years experience in fast-moving environment
Bachelor’s Degree in related field
Ringing endorsement from town big-wig
Master’s Degree in Business/Accounting or Engineering
Art Degree from Real School We’ve Heard Of
Photos published in National Geographic (maps don’t count!)
Certificate proving you ran the mile in elementary school
Thumbs up from our doctor
Ability to withstand cold
Eye for fashion and investment opportunities
Coal mining or related experience
Ducks come to you when you call them
Gold or Silver Olympic Medal
$4 an hour plus a T-shirt (if you sign up for softball), but if you save the entire company, we can revisit your salary.
Please send resume, two writing samples, and a letter of recommendation from our current boss to the address provided in a secret website only accessible to current employees.
To Whom It May Concern:
I was delighted to find your job listing as my skills would be a great asset to your team of motivated individuals.
To hit a few points mentioned in the job listing, I’d first like to be upfront and admit I have no experience working as an accountant, but that just means beginner’s luck is on my side. I know your ad stated applicants should have eight plus years of experience, but eight years? Really? That seems like overkill. You can probably teach me the important stuff in just a few months, and I’d be ready to go. I learned how to play “Jingle Bells” using a rubber band guitar I made out of a milk carton, so clearly I’m a good learner. By the way, how much vacation time is there?
My organization skills are poor and the thought of multitasking stirs within me a panic so sudden and real that…I can’t even finish this. Ugh, right? People scare me, as I assume them to be puppets, and while your ad recommended the job applicant be self-motivated, I’m assuming there’s wiggle room there. I can self motivate myself, but I work better when I don’t have to. I hope that is not a deal-breaker. All of these things are based on my brain’s biology, and so it’s part of my health according to my friends and I. As such, you kind of have to hire me because of the laws.
As for references, I’d really rather not. I trust that my past employers would say only glowing things about my performance, but I told them all that I’d be a famous singer by now and the thought of them learning the truth bums me out. So let’s keep this between us, okay?
Thank you for your time. The best way to reach me is tomorrow when I stop by your office to see how the job search thing is going. (I’ll be the one in the gold sunglasses.)
Resume is attached below. Click to make it bigger.