People and media companies are making their Best of the Year lists, and I cannot understand why Twin Peaks: The Return isn’t winning every category from “Best TV Show” to “Best Sound of Electricity.”
Well, that’s not true. I do know why. The show was a slap in the face to traditional storytelling and many people thought it was frustrating and weird. But I loved it. And mark my words, in 50 years people will come around and discover the show’s greatness. And they will worship it. Because it’s that good! And then I will laugh from my home on the moon and say, “I told you so!” in my moon language.
So maybe the show won’t win any Golden Globes, and maybe if you mention it at Christmas dinner your uncle will hit your nose for bringing up such nonsense and then he’ll go back to misquoting a joke from a Three and a Half Men rerun. But just know that if you did love the show, you’re not alone. There are two of us.
Enough TV talk. What’s in today’s calendar! Something big? Something small? It’s… Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 11
Two weeks until Christmas! If you’d like magical pencils delivered to your door for the holidays, order Power Pencils today! Time is running out! So are the pencils!
The weather people said we’d get an inch of snow yesterday. We got 7.5 inches. If only there was a term to describe erroneous news information.
I’m not complaining. It certainly made everything look pretty and Christmas Card-y outside.
Behind today’s cardboard door we find… Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 10
We’re getting our first snow here in Pennsylvania. Total accumulation will be about an inch, which means you can’t stay home and pretend it’s a snow day, now matter how many great things are on NetFlix. There are stores to get to and people driving big cars in parking lots to curse at.
Yesterday was a big one for the calendar…and only for me, I suspect. The calendar is intended for children, and it’s hard to believe anyone in the target demographic was as excited for a granny figure as I was.
Now that I got a Mrs. Claus, what else do I want from this calendar? Might as well shoot for the moon and say “Lego Dragon from The Never Ending Story” or “Lego David Lynch.” Hell, why not wish for a “Lego Real Working Playstation 4”? Seems like anything is possible in this year’s calendar.
On the 9th day of Lego Advent, the calendar gave to me… Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 9
First and foremost, I saw this box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at the store and had to buy it because it comes with a FREE SPOON! Also, CTC is one of the best cereals. I would probably buy it anyway. No need to give me a free spoon, Mr. General Mills. I appreciate it, though. Thank you. Heck, now I feel like I have to get him something.
Like an enormous, single-day Advent Calendar, I didn’t know which of the Star Wars spoons would be in this box. Would it be Rey? Captain Phasma? It’s…it’s…
I have a Chewbaca spoon! And it changes colors. Might as well go to bed because today has peaked!
Or has it? What is living inside the Lego Calendar today? Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 8
I’m in the midst of a writing project that’s both fun and nearly impossible to keep organized in a single Google Doc or Excel page. I was having a hard time with it yesterday and then, while using my computer, iPad, phone and a bolt of lightning I keep in a box, I realized the best way out of this is with old-fashioned, non-WiFi, non-electrical tools. Sometimes you need to unplug because human brains are still adapting to this thing called computers. I went out and got a used bulletin board at the thrift store for $2.
I added a Big Foot sticker because that’s where my life path has taken me.
The board is too big, I know. But I think it’ll help. I’ve been staring at it, wondering from whence it came. Was this hanging in a school at one time, alerting snotty third graders to the joys of “Why We Should Recycle!” or “Whales” or “Slut Shaming: Double Standards in the Patriarchy”? I’m sure there’s a secret history to this framed slab of cork, and damn if it’s all I can think about now. If you recognize this bulletin board, please let me know its origin story.
Seven days into the calendar and I’m waiting for the next mini-figure to pop out and say, “Jesus wasn’t even born in December!” (I assume the next character is going to be a teenager who just got home from one semester of college and now knows all information.)
Today we get… Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 7
Minutes after posting yesterday’s blog, I realized the Gingerbread House can also double as a holiday board game.
Mrs. Claus called it “Ho-Ho-Go” but Melvin suspected she was making up the rules as she went.
MRS. CLAUS: Now, I attack W-7.
MRS. CLAUS: Yes, dear. I attack W-7 with my Alliance Army. I win. I get $40.
MELVIN: Oh. Okay.
MRS. CLAUS: $40, dear.
MELVIN: Real money?
MRS. CLAUS: I’m sorry dear. Would you rather play dot-to-dot coloring book? Maybe have a rousing round of pretend tag? Or did you come here to play the game?
MELVIN: When is Mr. Claus coming home?
MRS. CLAUS: You can win your money back. Double or nothing. I’ll even give you eight bonus cards and corn abilities. Shall we go again!
MELVIN: I don’t understand what’s happening in this game.
MRS. CLAUS: You’ll get the hang of it. Set up the golf balls and I’ll deal out the murder suspects.
Now that the Gingerbread House can double as a game board, it’s officially the best piece of the calendar so far.
We’re due for another figure, unless this entire world is Mevlin’s to rule. Who is hiding behind today’s door? Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 6
Maybe this is your first time reading these, and as such I failed to introduce you to one of the very best Christmas presents I’ve ever recieved: Robot Snowman.
Born on the first day of my first Lego Advent Calendar, Robot Snowman has been a part of my annual holiday festivities for seven years. He lives on my desk year-round keeping watch over the world and keeping all questions about human culture to himself for fear that I would ridicule him if he dared asked, “Why do humans cry?” or “Can you eat with your butt?”
Robot Snowman is older now, the finger of his arm has broken off in a tragedy he only speaks of in broken, cryptic phrases late at night. “Damn you, gravity!” The how and why of his black hair can be found by meticulously reading all of these blogs in order.
If you see him pop up in these photos, now you know why. He is my Robot Snowman. He is my Christmas.
Today the calendar offers us… Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 5
I had to go to Target yesterday and buy a strand of lights for my Christmas tree. (Never buy a pre-lit Christmas tree. I did and now, ten years later, I have a tree with a full strand of dead lights that are woven and welded and fused with the tree in such a manner that it would take Dumbledore and the Infinity Gauntlet working in tandem to separate the lights from the tree.)
Purchasing lights at Target should have been easy, but thanks to shopping carts it turned into a nine-hour battle. These wheeled road blocks made navigating the aisles impossible. I was trapped in the corridors of commerce and if I stopped to weep, I would hear the hungry roar of the Minotaur as it hunted in its labyrinth made not of stone but reasonably-priced merchandise! Or maybe I was just cranky.
I understand the need for shopping carts, but it’s a common courtesy to park your cart along the side of the aisle. If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle, perpendicular to the walls, then yes, I will toss a raw egg into your cart. And what can you do about that? Call the police? Ha!
Today the Lego calendar coughs up… Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 4
Before we begin, I’m still confused. Every year this songs hurts my brain. It…it doesn’t make word-sense. What the hell do these Kenny Loggins’ lyrics mean:
Please, celebrate me home,
Give me a number,
Please, celebrate me home
Play me one more song.
The first part sounds like a caveman asking for birthday cake.
The second part? Is “number” a slang term for a song? Is the guy a character in The Great Gatsby? “Why don’t you play a number, old chap, and then razzle-dazzle on the toots because America is a dream that never, ever ends, old chap!”
I complain about a lot of Christmas songs, but this so-called classic is confusing. Celebrate me home? Like…have a party around me as I walk to the front door? Or is it some ego thing. “I demand you sound the trumpets for my arrival, for I, the golden child, have returned!” I don’t get it. Sure…sure…the song is about a sad man being lonely, but that doesn’t mean you can disregard basic speech patterns and word usage. Might as well sing:
Please, happy me in a car…
And that doesn’t sound good at all.
Today is Day 3, and on Day 3 we get… Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 3
A few people have let me know they’ve been reading this Lego blog since I first started seven years ago. That’s amazing! Thank you!
Seven years! We could have all gone through med school by now or traveled cross-country on the backs of two turtles that we wear as turtle-skates and — Ooh! I have another idea to add to my “Children’s Book Pitches” notebook. [Dan adds “Group of people go to med school” to his ideas binder.]
Back when I started this, I was just a naive calendar opener, still using a flash when taking photos and on a desperate hunt for “Sausage Girl.” It was a different time. Gas cost a nickel, there was no sadness and [insert topical Matt Lauer joke]. Things have changed.
But at least I know the Lego Calendar will continue to spit out sacred items of joy on a daily basis in December. You can’t take that away from me.
And today we get… Continue reading 2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 2