The upcoming movie The Dark Tower hopes to bring Stephen King’s complex universe to an even wider audience. But before you head to the theaters, here are a few important things newbies should know about the books.
If you own an Amazon Echo or an Echo Dot, you can now add me to your daily news feed!
Click here to get the free and wonderful app! (Or just search “Dan” in your Alexa app to find it.)
My brother and I have created our first Alexa Skill (which is like an app…for Alexa). Enable the free app and when you ask Alexa for your daily news, you’ll hear the latest Lie of the Day from the Dan’s Lie of the Day Twitter feed.
It’s a nice way to break up your regular news stories, and in this age of fake news…lying is bigger than ever!!!
If you ever wondered what my random thoughts sounded like as a lady robot voice…this is the perfect app for you!
We hope you like it. It’s silly. It’s free. There are no ads or anything! Just wonderful, daily lies.
Everyone loves minimalist movie posters, so I took a crack at creating a few! Try to guess the movies before looking at the titles below!
Around the release of each new Fast and Furious movie, you will notice an increase in the amount of cars (usually “tricked out” 2003 Honda Civics) driven by leaning drivers — drivers who shift their body and head in such a way as to let other drivers know what’s up. Here’s a printable guide to what the lean means. (click to enlarge)
The new Pepsi ad sure is offensive. And so are war crimes. With so much offensiveness occurring, we need to measure our feelings against this handy color chart. This will make communicating in the modern world easy and stress-free!
(click to enlarge)
I don’t listen to much heavy metal music. I’m not a fan of the Cookie Monster screaming vocals of some lead singers, and the music is usually either too complicated for me to understand what’s happening or so simple that it sounds like someone just got a guitar that has a demo mode.
In fact, there are only two metal bands I enjoy: Tool and Mastodon. And Tool is more prog-rock than metal at this point (not a bad thing!). That leaves me with Mastodon, a band that is everything I enjoy about heavy metal rolled up into one crazy/scary/cool/loud/creative package. If you don’t like metal music, this band won’t change your mind. But, if you have even the slightest bit of interest in having your face melt off due to extreme rock power, I highly recommend you give them a chance.
Their latest album, Emperor of Sand, was released last week. I like it. I like it quite a bit. There’s a song on the album called “Scorpion Breath” and another called “Jaguar God” and those are perfect song titles. It’s a concept album about a guy lost in the desert and there are ancient evils in the barren landscape. The music is strange and diverse. Instruments pop up for a few seconds and fade away like ghosts. It sometimes sounds like there are monsters lurking behind the guitars and drums, with electronic growls and buzzes. And some of the songs are even catchy, which is rare for a metal band.
It’s not Mastodon’s best album. That would be 2009’s Crack the Skye, which featured 10-minute songs about Russian czars and out-of-body experiences. Since that album, Mastodon has gotten a bit more radio-friendly. (i.e. The songs have gotten shorter/less weird.) Thankfully, Emperor of Sand brings back the weird and wild…though the songs are still too short for my taste. (“Scorpion Breath” is only three minutes! Boo!)
My musical taste is…unusual. My “Recently Played” list on Spotify features jazz great Thelonious Monk alongside Cher, Bob Dylan, Lorde, TV on the Radio, Paul Simon, Chance the Rapper and Tom Waits. And today, after I re-listen to the Emperor of Sand album, there’s some Beauty and the Beast action…because that’s a tale as old as time.
This is my playlist right now. My day is wonderful!
I love Stephen King. He’s the Steven Speilberg of novels. He has a knack for creating dynamic character relationships stuffed with subtext and backstory. He paints realistic settings so vivid it’s like looking out your own window.
And yet…his stories fall apart towards the end. Here’s how to diagram a typical King story.
(Click to Enlarge)
By Dan Bergstein
There were seven identical rabbits, and because they were each named Monroe, the only way you could tell them apart was by the color of their capes. This was all fine and good most days, but on laundry day, when the rabbits washed the capes in the river and dried them on the tree branch, it made things very difficult.
One such day, Monroe attempted to organize a game of baseball while the capes dried, and so he said, “The teams will be Monroe, Monroe, Monroe, and Monroe against Monroe, Monroe, and Monroe.” The fighting and bickering lasted well past laundry day as each Monroe attempted to be on the very best team. And there were many shouts of, “Did you mean Monroe, or the other Monroe?” Everyone ended up with a headache. Continue reading Seven Rabbits
Dear Mr. Sears:
I was saddened to hear the news that your chain of department stores is in financial straits. I’ve enjoyed your stores and would hate to see yet another retailer devoured by the snake that is online commerce. As such I have drafted a few outside-the-box tactics and tricks that will set Sear back on the sea of profits.
I’m about to save your entire company, at no cost to you. These are things online retailers can’t do. It’s time to use your advantage!
Here’s how to save Sears:
Better tasting mirrors in the changing room. Have you tasted your mirrors? Terrible! Surely you can add a nice, zero calorie orange-cream flavor to the mirrors. No other store (online or otherwise) offers such amenities, and this make shoppers flock to your store to see what all the buzz is about. May I recommend a print ad campaign based on the motto, “Sears: You’ll like the lick!”
Escalator sound effects. When going up the escalator, it should sound like rising piano notes. And when going down, it should sound like a trombone or slide-whistle going from high notes to low notes. I don’t know what that kind of music is called. Is that a scale? A crescendo? Not my problem, really.
Devote a section of the store to Tesla cars. Look, you don’t have to sell many. Just sell like one or two a day and you’d be set. Continue reading How to Save Sears