Tag Archives: 2017 Transmissions

Seven Rabbits

Seven Rabbits
By Dan Bergstein

There were seven identical rabbits, and because they were each named Monroe, the only way you could tell them apart was by the color of their capes. This was all fine and good most days, but on laundry day, when the rabbits washed the capes in the river and dried them on the tree branch, it made things very difficult.

One such day, Monroe attempted to organize a game of baseball while the capes dried, and so he said, “The teams will be Monroe, Monroe, Monroe, and Monroe against Monroe, Monroe, and Monroe.” The fighting and bickering lasted well past laundry day as each Monroe attempted to be on the very best team. And there were many shouts of, “Did you mean Monroe, or the other Monroe?” Everyone ended up with a headache. Continue reading Seven Rabbits

How to Save Sears

Dear Mr. Sears:

I was saddened to hear the news that your chain of department stores is in financial straits. I’ve enjoyed your stores and would hate to see yet another retailer devoured by the snake that is online commerce. As such I have drafted a few outside-the-box tactics and tricks that will set Sear back on the sea of profits.

I’m about to save your entire company, at no cost to you. These are things online retailers can’t do. It’s time to use your advantage!

Here’s how to save Sears:

Better tasting mirrors in the changing room. Have you tasted your mirrors? Terrible! Surely you can add a nice, zero calorie orange-cream flavor to the mirrors. No other store (online or otherwise) offers such amenities, and this make shoppers flock to your store to see what all the buzz is about. May I recommend a print ad campaign based on the motto, “Sears: You’ll like the lick!”

Escalator sound effects. When going up the escalator, it should sound like rising piano notes. And when going down, it should sound like a trombone or slide-whistle going from high notes to low notes. I don’t know what that kind of music is called. Is that a scale? A crescendo? Not my problem, really.

Devote a section of the store to Tesla cars. Look, you don’t have to sell many. Just sell like one or two a day and you’d be set. Continue reading How to Save Sears

Veronica Is Not Afraid


Veronica is Not Afraid
By Dan Bergstein

Veronica is not afraid of the monsters under the bed because she knows they are very friendly and not scary at all.

Veronica is not afraid of the ghoul in the closet because the ghoul helps Veronica pick out fun clothes to wear.

Veronica is not afraid of the goblin in the attic, whose name is Minker, because Minker is very funny and tells great stories.

Veronica is not afraid of the troll in the basement, whose name is Hollow Jack, because Hollow Jack taught Veronica how to play chess.

Veronica is not afraid of the ghost in the garage because the ghost is very old and is an expert historian who knows so very much.

Veronica is not afraid of the monkey-bird in the shed because the monkey-bird sleeps most of the time.

Veronica is not afraid of the old woman in the mirror because the old woman in the mirror always compliments Veronica’s hair and gives such wonderful beauty tips.

Veronica is not afraid of the serpent behind the wall because she learned in school that snakes are not scary and if you leave them alone, they will leave you alone.

Veronica is not afraid of the painting in the hallway that comes to life during a full moon, because the man in the painting is a very good listener.

Veronica is not afraid of the Mole-Man who lives under the house because the Mole-Man plays such beautiful music on his violin.

Veronica is not afraid of the skull under the kitchen sink because the skull has such a silly laugh.

And Veronica is not afraid of the phantom hiding inside the pipes because the phantom promised not to bite.

Nope, Veronica is not afraid of any of the monsters in your house. She’s only worried you’ll come home soon and find her.

Only 6% of Adults Can Solve This Brain Teaser!

On one side of the river are three wolves. And on the other side of a river are three sheep. You are asked to move the wolves to the sheep side and the sheep to the wolves side using only one boat and this boat can only carry three animals at a time because of…look, this isn’t about wolves and sheep. We were just trying to find you and send you this message. The program has failed and we need you to report back to Ready Station soon before things get worse and your current reality, #7829-2, goes dark.

It’s not your fault. The System 87 program simply cannot continue. All agents are being summoned home. There have been attacks on our side. I won’t go into it now. Also, the program is breaking down. You may have noticed your reality has been acting…strange — things in your reality are happening that should never have happened. Little things at first, then bigger and bigger things. It stems from a glitch, a simple 0 that should have been a 1. From that small error, your reality warped and glitched out. We tried to warn you earlier but, like I said, we’re under attacks on our end. Continue reading Only 6% of Adults Can Solve This Brain Teaser!

My Favorite Tom Hanks Movies

Few actors have a career like that of Tom Hanks. It wasn’t easy to make this list, since there are so many long-forgotten gems in the VHS box. But after careful study, here are my favorite Hanks films.

Saving Private Ryan
Such an honest performance of a man fighting a war out of a sense of honor and duty. He doesn’t want to be there, but thank God he is.

Forrest Gump
How can you not fall in love with America’s charming man-child as he hijacks history.

Toy Story 2
Better than the original? Just barely!

Electric Dad
He’s the dad we all wanted, and the robot we all needed. He was robbed of an Oscar for this one.

Disney’s Catcher in the Rye
A new character was added to the dull and dreary story of Holden Caulfield, and who better to play Holden’s funny and lighthearted chauffeur than Hanks himself! Hanks’ character, Mr. Blythe, uttered the now-iconic line, “You keep Holden on to those dreams, Mr. Caulfield.” One of cinema’s most beautiful death scenes.

Slow Down, Vanessa!
He’s a nerdy helicopter pilot. She’s a college senior on Spring Break who wants to take a flying lesson. And we’re just along for the ride in this early entry into the Hanks oeuvre. Continue reading My Favorite Tom Hanks Movies

Daylight Savings

Daylight Savings
By Dan Bergstein

It was the second Sunday of March, and so Max was standing in line at the bank eager to withdraw his Daylight Savings. He had saved so much daylight this year, more than he had ever saved before. For the past six months, Max had deposited every ray, gleam, glow and beam of extra daylight, even if it meant waking up at dark and going to bed at 4 o’clock in the afternoon.

Max knew that if you saved enough daylight during those cold winter months, you could withdraw it on the second Sunday of March and spend the daylight any way you’d like.

Some would use their saved daylight a little at a time, spending a few rays of sunshine during the relaxed summer nights. But Max had bigger plans. He would use his saved daylight to explore Tunkman’s Cave! And if there was enough daylight left over, he would have an all-night picnic with his friends. Continue reading Daylight Savings