Veronica Is Not Afraid

Veronica is Not Afraid
By Dan Bergstein

Veronica is not afraid of the monsters under the bed because she knows they are very friendly and not scary at all.

Veronica is not afraid of the ghoul in the closet because the ghoul helps Veronica pick out fun clothes to wear.

Veronica is not afraid of the goblin in the attic, whose name is Minker, because Minker is very funny and tells great stories.

Veronica is not afraid of the troll in the basement, whose name is Hollow Jack, because Hollow Jack taught Veronica how to play chess.

Veronica is not afraid of the ghost in the garage because the ghost is very old and is an expert historian who knows so very much.

Veronica is not afraid of the monkey-bird in the shed because the monkey-bird sleeps most of the time.

Veronica is not afraid of the old woman in the mirror because the old woman in the mirror always compliments Veronica’s hair and gives such wonderful beauty tips.

Veronica is not afraid of the serpent behind the wall because she learned in school that snakes are not scary and if you leave them alone, they will leave you alone.

Veronica is not afraid of the painting in the hallway that comes to life during a full moon, because the man in the painting is a very good listener.

Veronica is not afraid of the Mole-Man who lives under the house because the Mole-Man plays such beautiful music on his violin.

Veronica is not afraid of the skull under the kitchen sink because the skull has such a silly laugh.

And Veronica is not afraid of the phantom hiding inside the pipes because the phantom promised not to bite.

Nope, Veronica is not afraid of any of the monsters in your house. She’s only worried you’ll come home soon and find her.

Only 6% of Adults Can Solve This Brain Teaser!

On one side of the river are three wolves. And on the other side of a river are three sheep. You are asked to move the wolves to the sheep side and the sheep to the wolves side using only one boat and this boat can only carry three animals at a time because of…look, this isn’t about wolves and sheep. We were just trying to find you and send you this message. The program has failed and we need you to report back to Ready Station soon before things get worse and your current reality, #7829-2, goes dark.

It’s not your fault. The System 87 program simply cannot continue. All agents are being summoned home. There have been attacks on our side. I won’t go into it now. Also, the program is breaking down. You may have noticed your reality has been acting…strange — things in your reality are happening that should never have happened. Little things at first, then bigger and bigger things. It stems from a glitch, a simple 0 that should have been a 1. From that small error, your reality warped and glitched out. We tried to warn you earlier but, like I said, we’re under attacks on our end. Continue reading Only 6% of Adults Can Solve This Brain Teaser!

My Favorite Tom Hanks Movies

Few actors have a career like that of Tom Hanks. It wasn’t easy to make this list, since there are so many long-forgotten gems in the VHS box. But after careful study, here are my favorite Hanks films.

Saving Private Ryan
Such an honest performance of a man fighting a war out of a sense of honor and duty. He doesn’t want to be there, but thank God he is.

Forrest Gump
How can you not fall in love with America’s charming man-child as he hijacks history.

Toy Story 2
Better than the original? Just barely!

Electric Dad
He’s the dad we all wanted, and the robot we all needed. He was robbed of an Oscar for this one.

Disney’s Catcher in the Rye
A new character was added to the dull and dreary story of Holden Caulfield, and who better to play Holden’s funny and lighthearted chauffeur than Hanks himself! Hanks’ character, Mr. Blythe, uttered the now-iconic line, “You keep Holden on to those dreams, Mr. Caulfield.” One of cinema’s most beautiful death scenes.

Slow Down, Vanessa!
He’s a nerdy helicopter pilot. She’s a college senior on Spring Break who wants to take a flying lesson. And we’re just along for the ride in this early entry into the Hanks oeuvre. Continue reading My Favorite Tom Hanks Movies

Daylight Savings

Daylight Savings
By Dan Bergstein

It was the second Sunday of March, and so Max was standing in line at the bank eager to withdraw his Daylight Savings. He had saved so much daylight this year, more than he had ever saved before. For the past six months, Max had deposited every ray, gleam, glow and beam of extra daylight, even if it meant waking up at dark and going to bed at 4 o’clock in the afternoon.

Max knew that if you saved enough daylight during those cold winter months, you could withdraw it on the second Sunday of March and spend the daylight any way you’d like.

Some would use their saved daylight a little at a time, spending a few rays of sunshine during the relaxed summer nights. But Max had bigger plans. He would use his saved daylight to explore Tunkman’s Cave! And if there was enough daylight left over, he would have an all-night picnic with his friends. Continue reading Daylight Savings

My Daily Writing Routine

Creative people have different daily routines. Some writers wake up early to write; some can only work late into the night. We all have our quirks. Because I’m fascinated with the routines of other writers, I felt I should share my own daily routine. Maybe this will work for you. It works for me!

I wake up every day at 9 a.m. and quickly count my toes. I have not seen my toes in many hours and I need to reassure myself that the toes are A)still there and B)facing the right way. After that, I check the bed for any dream artifacts — items from a dream that can come through the dream world and end up in your bed (e.g. ukuleles, frying pan, ducks, a scrap of the serial killer’s shirt, etc.).

Then I come up with an idea for a novel.

Then I slowly get out of bed and check my phone for messages and spiders. Spiders can crawl into your phone and lay eggs. This is where the saying, “Ya got spider babies in that phone, son!” comes from.

If no spiders are present, I reward my phone with a sticker. If there are spiders, the phone is placed in the punishment shed.

I put on my socks and pants and shirt and tie and apron and goggles.

Then I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth to remove all the food ghosts haunting my mouth. This takes an hour or so. Continue reading My Daily Writing Routine

Possible Reasons Why The Guy in the Car Behind Me At the Red Light Honked His Horn At Me

A guy behind me at a red light honked his horn. While we were both turning right, it was not safe to turn on red.

I’ll never know why he honked. But I have a few possible reasons…

  • He had nothing to do with it. A bee just stung the middle of his steering wheel.
  • He thought my car was not a car, but a collection of birds grouped together in car-shape and that by honking the horn, the birds would dissipate and he could be well on his way to the opera.
  • The horn wasn’t meant for me. He was the time keeper for a basketball game occurring a few blocks away, and he just ran out to get a coffee and now he realized the quarter just ended so…HONK!
  • He didn’t honk the horn. What I heard was the sonic-honk of a nearby duck breaking the sound barrier.
  • His dad never let him try out for the school play.
  • Me a big dumbo with no foot on go-go pedal! Me thank him for remembering me to vroom!
  • The car behind him was driven by the old man who died 10 years ago on this very day, on this very road!
  • If he presses the horn, maybe Julie will get back together with him.
  • He thinks I’m handsome.
  • He’s a spy who just found out the bomb is hidden inside the frame of the painting, and if the kindergarten class trip stands in front of the painting, the bomb goes off and…guess what…the spy’s cell phone has been hacked so he can’t call the museum and has only minutes to make it to the museum and protect the innocent!
  • He filled his car with too much horn juice, and it was spilling out of his air vents. By honking the horn, he drains the excess horn juice.
  • He thought I was a bank robber getting away, and his honk was meant to signal the police and tell them, “I’ve found him, police officers. He’s over here! I am the Batman of this street.”
  • Like music in a movie, the honk sound added much-needed dramatic accompaniment to his Monster Energy Drink sticker.
  • If he doesn’t get to the zoo by 4 o’clock, the red pandas will already have eaten! And then what’s the point?
  • It’s his first time driving.
  • Because this isn’t even about me, bro.
  • He’s blind and the only way he can drive is by using echo-location. The sound of the horn bouncing off nearby objects is how he navigates.
  •  He just saw the new trailer for Fast and Furious 8!
  • He’s better than me. I forgot, but the horn reminded me. I’ll call him later to apologize for my crimes.
  • His radio is stuck in the in-between space where you hear a little static, but if he just pulls up a few inches, the station comes in clear. So I should move up a bit.
  • He’s diarrhea-ing all over.
  • His buddy just scored some sick vape juice (apricot) and the weekend is starting early, son!
  •  He just realized all of his tattoos are pathetic and he lowered his head in shame, thus pressing the horn with his forehead.
  • He knows the sound waves of a horn can break up the clouds in the sky, preventing rain and thus saving his trip to the cabin!
  • He was expressing himself through his music.
  • He just read The Secret and was becoming the master of his own reality.
  • He was honking away The Froglins, a race of evil frog goblins who are allergic to loud noises.
  • He just got off work and no one else in the entire country worked today besides him, so he deserves this.
  • Trump won.

Continue reading Possible Reasons Why The Guy in the Car Behind Me At the Red Light Honked His Horn At Me