Everything You Need to Know About the Dark Tower Series

The upcoming movie The Dark Tower hopes to bring Stephen King’s complex universe to an even wider audience. But before you head to the theaters, here are a few important things newbies should know about the books.

  • The books were written in the past tense.
  • There are no magical snowmen in the books. None. So if there is a magical snowman in the movie, know that the movie is deviating heavily from the source material.
  • When stacked on top of each other, the books are not as tall as a normal person. It’s maybe two feet, at best and depending on the editions.
  • The Canadian versions of the book cost a little more than the American versions.
  • One of the books is named The Wolves of the Calla and none of the books are named Snow What: Snow-Fellow Pete in the Minotaur’s Maze.
  • None of the books rhyme, so it’s very hard to sing them out loud at a talent show. Also it will take several hours to sing them out loud so give yourself time.
  • The Gunslinger uses guns and his name is Roland, but you can call him Ronald and he won’t care because he’s not real.
  • Don’t use a bird feather as a bookmark because the feather may have fallen out of bird because the bird was sick with a disease and now, guess what, the disease is in your book, on your hands…everywhere.
  • The books are worth about $11 in trade at Books Again, the used bookstore. And you can use that money to buy a copy of The Bible that smells like water. And you’ll wonder: Who gave up the Bible? What’s that person’s story? And then…BAM…you have a writing prompt for your next Local Writer’s Club meeting at Panera Bread.
  • There’s a big bear in one of the books. Don’t be scared, because bears are just chubby dogs.
  • The fourth book is a terrible bore. Skip it. You’re welcome.
  • When you flip the pages of the books with your thumb, it creates a breeze that lasts 12.331 seconds. If it lasts less than that, you’re missing one of the books.
  • Take the dust cover off the book and use it to wrap presents. It’s free wrapping paper, so why not!?
  • Nowhere in the book does it say Eddie has a Donald Duck accent, but it also doesn’t not say that.
  • If you finish the entire series in one sitting, you get a big French kiss!
  • The end of the series has nothing to do with Daenerys Targaryen, but if it did, Daenerys would probably be all like, “Oh…you think you’re tough? Well, I’m the Mother of Dragons!” And then the dragons would show up and kill everyone. And it would be boring because we’ve seen that done a million times already and they really need to do something different and new with her character instead of retreading the same scenario season after season. I mean, come on. We get it. She has a struggle and then she unleashes the dragons. YAWN! More giants, less Daenerys. That’s a formula I’d support. Those giants? Awesome. Every time there’s a giant on screen, it’s fantastic. So good.
  • Stephen King wrote the series. He also wrote The Shining.
  • The books are very hard to flush down a toilet. If you succeed, your toilet is off-the-charts good.
  • Some parts of the books are really good. Some parts are not that good. Some of it is very dumb if you stop to think about it. Don’t think about it too hard. It’s not that kind of book. This isn’t Infinite Jest.
  • The story connects to other Stephen King stories. For instance, the clown from It is named Pennywise, and if you rearrange the letters of his name, and change some of the letters, it spells Wipe Penis. That’s not connected to any other book, but imagine if it was. That’d be weird.
  • This is what the Dark Tower looks like.
  • This is what it would look like if you were looking at it straight down from the sky.
  • The main character is from a world that’s similar to our own, except there’s no Zinc. Or, if there is Zinc, the author deliberately omitted any mention of it.
  • When read backwards, the girls at the neighboring lunch table will just look at you like you’re weird. And then you go to prom by yourself and it’s your job to tally the votes for prom king and queen, because someone has to do it and since you don’t have a date, it’s not like you’re going to miss out on anything if you spend a few minutes counting the votes. So you’ll be happy to do it.
  • None of the characters ever say, “My name is Soup…Soup Cornacob. And I have magic fangs!”

For more information on The Dark Tower Series, read the books or just skim the Wikipedia. Honestly, it’s weird that I had to tell you that. You don’t know how to find more information on this stuff? Get it together, man. It’s 2017.