How to Save Sears

Dear Mr. Sears:

I was saddened to hear the news that your chain of department stores is in financial straits. I’ve enjoyed your stores and would hate to see yet another retailer devoured by the snake that is online commerce. As such I have drafted a few outside-the-box tactics and tricks that will set Sear back on the sea of profits.

I’m about to save your entire company, at no cost to you. These are things online retailers can’t do. It’s time to use your advantage!

Here’s how to save Sears:

Better tasting mirrors in the changing room. Have you tasted your mirrors? Terrible! Surely you can add a nice, zero calorie orange-cream flavor to the mirrors. No other store (online or otherwise) offers such amenities, and this make shoppers flock to your store to see what all the buzz is about. May I recommend a print ad campaign based on the motto, “Sears: You’ll like the lick!”

Escalator sound effects. When going up the escalator, it should sound like rising piano notes. And when going down, it should sound like a trombone or slide-whistle going from high notes to low notes. I don’t know what that kind of music is called. Is that a scale? A crescendo? Not my problem, really.

Devote a section of the store to Tesla cars. Look, you don’t have to sell many. Just sell like one or two a day and you’d be set.

Start selling booze. Sears Beer. It’s really messed up that I had to think of this for you. Do you want to fail? Sears Beer. Done. Easy. Sell it by the keg. Next!

Stop selling coats. No more coats. Coats make people feel bad. They’re big and bulky and too warm and ugly. Get rid of them. If people want coats, they can just make their own out of layers of sweatshirts. Stop selling coats. Waste of space.

Thursday is pin-trading day! Wear your collectible pins and trade with friends and strangers!

Cashiers must greet customers by saying, “My, my, my!” And they have to explain their tattoos and tell you if getting a tattoo hurt.

Remove the appliance section. Replace it with a recreation of the Central Perk set from Friends! That’s Instagram gold.

Start selling warm lasagna. It’s like Ikea meatballs, but lasagna. Have you met anyone who doesn’t like lasagna? Of course not. Make sure it isn’t hot. Too many lasagna places serve the lasagna lava hot, and that’s why they fail. You can’t enjoy boiling hot lasagna. Make it warm, perhaps a few degrees above room temperature. And sell it in the back of the store, so customers need to walk through the store and admire all your wonderful non-coat merchandise.

Only use Bitcoin.

Create a new mascot. The mascot should be a Frankenstein and his catchphrase is, “Nothing to fear at Sears!” He’ll be the next Pikachu. Guaranteed. I already wrote a screenplay for the movie version of Sears. It’s pretty much just a prequel to Pretty Woman, but that’s what sells. Few minor name changes and it’s about Sears and this Frankenstein monster named Peire. You’ll love it!

Mix the men’s underpants with the women’s underpants in one sexy deparment. Put all underpants in the same section. It’s time to stop hiding the fact that buying underwear is sexual and lustful. Embrace the sensuality and get everyone to mingle in the same underpant area. It’s 2017. It’s all out there, man. All of it.

Make your own deviled egg bar. Please read my pitch. Then let’s talk specifics.

Fill the store with live birds. And if a bird lands on something you’re about to buy, you get a 10% discount and a free medium slice of lasagna.

Make a smartphone app. The app will keep your phone’s camera on always, all of the time, so that our shopping experts can get a better sense of our customers. It’s all about the data!

Incline the floor very, very slightly so that it leans towards the more expensive stuff. That’s called physiological marketing.

Free milk if you’re lucky. If our luck experts think you’re lucky, you get free milk. This idea needs some work, but you can see what I’m going for, right? Lucky milk.

Sell pillows made of denim. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Thank you for reading my business ideas. Please note: You must use all of the above ideas. It only works if you use them all. All or nothing. Call me and I can walk you through the details.