My Daily Writing Routine

Creative people have different daily routines. Some writers wake up early to write; some can only work late into the night. We all have our quirks. Because I’m fascinated with the routines of other writers, I felt I should share my own daily routine. Maybe this will work for you. It works for me!

I wake up every day at 9 a.m. and quickly count my toes. I have not seen my toes in many hours and I need to reassure myself that the toes are A)still there and B)facing the right way. After that, I check the bed for any dream artifacts — items from a dream that can come through the dream world and end up in your bed (e.g. ukuleles, frying pan, ducks, a scrap of the serial killer’s shirt, etc.).

Then I come up with an idea for a novel.

Then I slowly get out of bed and check my phone for messages and spiders. Spiders can crawl into your phone and lay eggs. This is where the saying, “Ya got spider babies in that phone, son!” comes from.

If no spiders are present, I reward my phone with a sticker. If there are spiders, the phone is placed in the punishment shed.

I put on my socks and pants and shirt and tie and apron and goggles.

Then I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth to remove all the food ghosts haunting my mouth. This takes an hour or so.

After that, I turn on the hot water and just let the water run all day long. This prevents snakes and ferrets from crawling up the pipe.

I sit down at my computer and press the F4 button. I don’t know what this does, but it feels necessary. Then I stand up and place a bent metal coat hanger in my mouth and turn my mouth God-ward, hoping that God will send me inspiration through this makeshift antenna. Once I feel the coat hanger warming up, I know God is contacting me and it’s time to write. (I keep the coat hanger in my mouth the rest of the day because I never want to know what happens if you hang up on God.)

I will begin by typing every word I know and then it’s just a matter of copy and paste until I get the desired sentences.

I hold my breath. For the sake of motivation, I only allow myself a breath after I finish a complete sentence.

At noon, I take a quick break to harass the flowers next door and then I eat nine crackers that have been soaking in my special think juice, which is a combination of lemonade, iced tea, and adhesive. Then it’s back to the computer where I delete everything I had written because, let’s face it, who do I think I am?

I start writing again, this time I’ll start with the vowels, then the punctuation, then the consonants.

After an hour of writing I will check my email…for spiders.

Then I spend another eight minutes finishing my writing. And then I revise the day’s work by changing most adjectives to “chubby.” If it’s Tuesday, it’s my turn to hide the coins. So I’ll do that.

By that time, I’m ready for my walk. But I always skip my walk. So instead I call the police department and see what’s up. Usually there’s nothing happening, but you should always check in. That’s just good living.

This brings us to about 4 o’clock in the afternoon, and that means it’s time to check if that ventriloquist dummy in the corner moved at all. If it didn’t, that’s a good thing. If it has moved, Old Man McAllistar was right!

For dinner, I’ll have a bowl of jam and an entire taco. For dessert, I’ll have either an ice cream sandwich or a chocolate salad. And I’ll wash it down with warm water from a squirt gun.

I’ll watch a little TV, and then a larger TV, and then finally my eyes will rest upon the face of the largest TV. I’ll drift off to sleep around midnight and then I’ll wake up at 1 a.m. and shout, “Burglars, be gone with you!” It’s just a precaution.

By now, I’m pretty sure God is asleep, so it’s safe to spit out the coat hanger.

Then I’ll fall back asleep and dream about ducks.