Daily Transmission #5: Must-See Movies of 2017

Pop the corn and get ready! Here are the best films to see in 2017.

Star Wars Episode VIII: Force It
Who are Rey’s parents? What does the Force taste like? Does Luke have secrets? What is BB-8’s origin story? What are the names of every stormtrooper? Where on the sexuality spectrum does Boba Fett live? Can Yoda be in this one? How about two Death Stars at the same damn time!? Is Kylo Ren a ghost? All will be answered!

Back to the Future: Rise of Time
In this all-female reboot, teenager Martha McFly must travel back to 1985 to make sure her parents fall in love at prom. 80s references galore! The movie exists outside of the original movie, and yet there are references to the original movie so that audiences will be left confused. The trailer gives away the only funny joke, which is about Donald Trump being president in 2017.

Untitled PG-13 Movie Starring The Rock
The Rock plays Craig or maybe Eli — a cop (or dentist? or renegade soldier?) who tilts his head often and says, “Not today, bub.” Plot involves jumping/falling from helicopters and a car flips over. Soundtrack relies heavily on 80s pop rock, though the trailer makes great use of “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Kevin Hart is there, also. Movie is somehow based on an old TV show that everyone vaguely remembers. (Not sure what show yet. Doesn’t really matter. Whatever’s available. Maybe China Beach, or Northern Exposure?)

Muppets, No!
Kermit and the gang are at it again. Guest stars include: Entire cast of Friends…even Gunther, hologram David Bowie, the mom from The Wonder Years, Johnny Depp, Spider-Man, Mick Jagger, Mick Jagger w/ funny mustache, a Sutherland, the Snapple lady, Demi Moore, all the James Bonds, the green bike that hangs in the back of Jerry’s apartment on Seinfeld, Aaron Carter, Peter Dinklage, Judge Lance Ito, Garfield, Navy SEAL who killed Bin Laden, Mick Jagger with a big hat, Chris Pine, the girl from the original Jurassic Park, your nephew, a still photo of Steve Harvey that’s ever-present in the lower corner of the screen, Mr. Burns, any SNL cast member who walks by that day, Judge Judy, Mt. Rushmore, Daniel Day Lewis as Kurt Cobain, Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump, a pile of people from The Bachelor, the real Moses, Psy, fake Moses, Samuel L. Jackson as the voice of the pillow, defensive coordinator for the Philadelphia Eagles and Jimmy Fallon in a post-credits scene that sets up the sequel, Muppet O’Clock.

Reasons to Reason
This movie, which hasn’t been written or filmed yet, has already been nominated for nine Golden Globe awards in 2018 including Best Picture and Best Actress (Jennifer Lawrence.) The story, which no one has thought of yet, will be about someone very poor who is granted success, but the success comes at a price. And in the film’s brave final act, lessons are learned. Jennifer Lawrence plays Nora who says the soon-to-be classic line, “You can’t give up. That’s what giver-uppers do.” There’s also a scene where she slaps money out of a rich man’s hand, and the audiences will LOVE it because it’s followed by a montage featuring music by the Beastie Boys.

Alphabet: The Movie
Hollywood tries (and succeeds!) making a movie franchise about the letters of the alphabet. In this CG animated film, each letter has a funny personality and celebrity voice. The celebrities are not credited, so audiences will spend much of the movie trying to figure out who is voicing the letters. (Hint: There are three cast members from Modern Family in this movie…somewhere!) The plot is about spelling words, or something. Doesn’t matter. Was that James Corden as the letter D? Maybe! Film ends with post-credit scene hinting at possible numbers in the sequel. (e.g. 1 and 8.) “ABC” by The Jackson Five plays incessantly.

Terminator Again
Let’s try making another Terminator. In this one, the robots travel back to cowboy times.

X-Men: Obliteration
The X-men travel back to cowboy times.

Star Trek Dust
Yep…cowboy times.

Oh, God: The Beginning
A prequel to the 80s hit comedy, Oh, God, here we find out where God came from. God is played by someone you least suspect. (A woman!!???)

Beethoven vs. Hooch
The dogfight we’ve been waiting for our entire lives. (Unrated “Bloodhound Edition” available on Blu-ray in 2018.)

Working class men (and one woman who plays a wife or girlfriend) deal with life. One guy commits crime. Another guy dies. One of the characters says, “You can’t cry in Boston, because Boston backwards is ‘not sob.’” Most of the movie is guys roughhousing and stealing each other’s hats.

Lust Chains
Mousy office temp Sally Mold meets Hard Stoneblast, a wealthy lawyer who teaches her about sex and body parts. Will she fall in love with the perfect man who has so much money and is handsome? Who knows!?! The adults-only trailer features 0.7 seconds of a nipple. Unusual marketing campaign: Aunts get half-priced tickets.

No one knows what this movie is about. There’s a cellar and something buried in the woods. Soundtrack for the movie is 90s grunge rock performed slowly on a toy piano and detuned music box. 3s are used instead of Es in the title. It is never explained why.

Hamlet and Juliet
In this bold movie, the brave filmmakers dare to ask: What if Hamlet met Juliet? And get this, it takes place in modern times! Middle School English teachers are already standing in line. Movie will be nominated for 37 Academy Awards, but wins none.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit
No cartoons here. Disney’s brand new, 100% live-action retelling of Who Framed Roger Rabbit was made using real sets and costumes that cost a reported $1.2 billion. Movie includes half of a new song from Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Superman: Rampage
In this gripping, exciting movie, comic book fans finally get what they’ve always wanted to see on the big screen: Superman reading The Jungle by Upton Sinclair while Batman sits on a carpet square, listening intently.

This will be an amazing year for movies! For more information on these and other films, please visit your local theater and demand tickets. Don’t take no for an answer. This is not a time for weakness.

The End

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