Daily Transmission #31: The Last Jedi Opening Title Crawl (LEAKED!)

We have the title for the next Star Wars movie and now we know how the movie will start! This is the opening crawl of the movie. We have confirmed it 100%! Please share now before Disney takes it down! (Full text below the images.)

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

The galaxy is a mess. It’s a mess. It’s an all the way mess. The First Order has begun preparations on a new planet-sized weapon called The Kill Cannon. Meanwhile, the Resistance is very sad most of the time despite the fact that they have cool spaceships and laser guns. It’s like…what more do you want?

Anyway, Rey has handed the lightsaber to Luke, and Luke gave her a cryptic frown as if he tasted beer for the first time in front of cool guys and doesn’t want them to know he thinks it tastes bad.

Rey and Luke then talked for a bit. Luke asked, “Did you see my robot hand?” And Rey didn’t seem that interested. And Luke said, “Want me to build you one?” And Rey said her hands were fine, and that pissed Luke off for some reason. And he made her do all these chores for no real reason!

Meanwhile, Poe found the missing locket that, when placed inside The Kill Cannon’s engine core, will make everything go BLAST-O! And Finn’s okay, but…well, you’ll see.

So now sit back and get ready! Because here comes the first part of the movie! There’s going to be a whooshing shot of spaceships! Oh, and Lando’s in this one! Don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret. This part of the song is the best…duh, duh, duh daaah! DAH! Duuuh! DAAAAH!

Daily Transmission #30: Winter Weather Definitions

In an effort to inform viewers, the National Weather Service would like to take a moment to explain the definition of specific weather warnings and events.

Winter Weather Advisory – Cold rain mixing with hours of undeserved news footage. Roads will be damp and covered by video cameras. School children will first get excited and then disappointed. That said, you should still buy bread in a frenzy.

Winter Storm Watch – Something stirs in the distance. What is it? What’s out there? How can you predict chaos? We can’t yet make out what our doom shall be: Snow? Ice? Falcons? Nothing at all? Gather your loved ones and huddle by the fire. Anything may occur. Our science has failed us. We know not our devil.

Winter Storm Warning – There will be snow! Everything shuts down for at least twelve hours. Snow day! You will have so much free time! You’ve been waiting for a good snow day all winter. The day is filled with possibilities! Buy bread, milk, eggs, paint for the living room, nine jigsaw puzzles, a closet organizer, a book on writing your own screenplay, paint for the kitchen, a grown-up coloring book and 1,000 colored pencils, a book on knitting, yarn, knitting needles, a cookbook, a bread maker, putty so you can finally fix that hole in the hallway, hallway paint, 10 frames for pictures you’ve been meaning to hang, a tool belt, book about meditation for beginners, book about history, seven very complicated board games still sealed in their boxes, all kinds of books, miner’s helmet and pickax (you’re finally going to dig that mine you’ve been talking about!), book on making your own shoes, another coloring book, a computer program for scanning old family photos, and one more book! [After making necessary preparations for a snow day, spend the entire day watching NetFlix instead of doing anything]

Winter Weather Ahoy – The ground will get a dusting of snow. Fire up the Instagram machine of your choice and prepare to take a minimum of 25 pictures of snow — taking less only angers the storm. Continue reading Daily Transmission #30: Winter Weather Definitions

Daily Transmission #29: Roof Gnomes

Roof Gnomes
By Dan Bergstein

I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I think you should know — there are three gnomes living on your roof. They are Roof Gnomes.

I use the word “gnome” but they look nothing like storybook gnomes who wear red pointy caps and have white beards. Roof gnomes wear green caps, first of all. They don’t usually have beards. And they are quicker and more nimble than typical gnomes. They also have longer fingers and toes, which is how they stay balanced on roofs. They are very good at balancing.

Roof gnomes aren’t even their true name. In olden times, they were called Himps. And before roofs were invented, Himps lived in trees. Himps must live as high as possible because if a Himp touches the ground, there is a loud SNAP and the Himp disappears forever.

That’s the rule of Himps. They cannot touch the ground. Continue reading Daily Transmission #29: Roof Gnomes

Daily Transmission #28: Can We Be Friends?

Before you are allowed to be my friend and enter my home, you must fill out the following questionnaire. Access to my friendship and home will be based on your answers. (Please click images below to enlarge.)


After filling out the form, please provide me with your Twitter and Facebook passwords, photographic evidence that you were not anywhere near my goldfish when it died, a poem about how your ancestors were terrible, 78 forms of I.D. each signed by a famous celebrity, a flattering pen and ink drawing of me, and one bald eagle egg that’s ready to hatch.

Once all documents have been verified and you passed the exam, travel to the obstacle course for the physical portion of the friendship test. (You may want to stretch and get a pair of goggles.)

Daily Transmission #27: My Grandparents

This is my grandparents’ wedding photo.

I’ve been thinking about them on this Holocaust Remembrance Day.

They escaped Austria in the late 1930s, desperately running away from the Nazis. How they got out is a fascinating story for another time. Too many didn’t get out.

My grandmother was only 20 years old when they fled. When I was 20 years old, my biggest concern was beating a video game or sneaking beer into my dorm. My grandmother’s biggest concern was genuine evil.

I can’t imagine leaving your country and racing across the ocean to a new world, knowing that if you stayed, you’d die.

I didn’t get to know my grandfather very well. He died when I was young. I remember his scratchy beard and his accent. He would make us hats and palm trees out of newspaper. He was also an amateur photographer. He had his own dark room in the basement. Here are a few of his pictures.

(That’s not my grandfather. I’m not sure who he is.)

Grandma passed away a few years ago, after living a long and happy life. There are too many wonderful and funny stories to share in one post, but here’s quick one:

Grandma didn’t believe in letting kids win. I was in first or second grade, and just grasping the concept of spelling. When we played Scrabble with her, I spelled what few words I could — two or three letter nuggets like “is” and “bee.” Grandma spelled “bitch.” Looking at the shocked faces of my brother and I, she said simply, “You know what that is, right? A female dog. Danny, it’s your turn.” She won.

She was great.

I want to thank both of my grandparents for coming to America. It wasn’t easy. And I’m thinking about all of those who couldn’t escape.

Daily Transmission #26: The Rhinoceros Ride (Part 4, the Finale!)

Catch up on
Part One
Part Two
Part Three

And now the thrilling conclusion to the story!

At this point in the story, things become quite violent. If you are reading this story aloud to a group of small children, please read the following sentence, and then skip everything else.

Baxter saved everyone and it was happy and there were so many flowers and so much candy and a big turkey dinner with buckets of mashed potatoes and no one was hurt and goodnight!

The End

And now stop reading this story aloud to small children. Don’t even read this part because then the little children will say, “But there’s more. You are still reading and there is clearly more story, and now that I think about it, the ending makes little sense and why was there a turkey dinner and what happened to the blue man and where did Baxter come from?” Then you’ll be in a real pickle and you’ll be forced to read the rest of the story, even the violent and scary bits, because what really happened was far more brutal than that stuff above about flowers and candy.

I can’t help you now. You’re too far along. If the little children have trouble sleeping and start crying, it’s your own fault.

Where were we… Continue reading Daily Transmission #26: The Rhinoceros Ride (Part 4, the Finale!)

Daily Transmission #25: The Rhinoceros Ride (Part 3)

Catch up on Part One and Part Two!

The sky seemed darker here. The air smelled different with a hint of stale mint that collected on the back of the tongue. The trees were more twisted and gnarled. The houses were taller and the road felt harder. At least three different dogs, and perhaps one wolf, barked in the distance.

They were beyond the street light.

Lucas and Bradley said nothing when the crossed the street light eight houses down from Bradley’s home. They knew what they had done — they had broken the rules and gone too far.

And now their minds were racing with thoughts of: Where is Baxter the rhinoceros? Will we get in trouble for crossing the boundary? Why does everything look strange here? Who is that man dressed in blue? Will he hurt Baxter? Will he hurt us? Where did they go? How many miles have we walked? We’re in so much trouble.

To have all those thoughts at once makes your belly feel sour, but Bradley and Lucas knew they had to keep going. They had to find Baxter! Continue reading Daily Transmission #25: The Rhinoceros Ride (Part 3)

Daily Transmission #24: 50 Things I Believe

100. Human beings are good, compassionate people. If we see someone fall, our instinct is to help them up — unlike wombats who would just let you fall. Wombats don’t care. Humans are better than wombats.

99. All humans should have the same rights, even the ones with terrible taste in clothes and movies.

98. God is real, but we cannot understand what God is, as a squirrel cannot understand a knock-knock joke no matter how smart or hard-working the squirrel may be.

97. Good, wonderful people are humble. They apologize when they screw up. They do not brag when they succeed. Pride and bragging are different. I’m proud of my squirrel metaphor above, but I will not tell others, “I totally nailed it with that squirrel thing! Just…wow!”

96. Gender and sexuality are far more complicated than can be summed up in one sentence, but if you dared to sum up gender and sexuality in one sentence it should start with, “Everyone is wonderful… .”

95. Words are important. It’s what separates us from the wombats. Continue reading Daily Transmission #24: 50 Things I Believe

Transmission #23: The Rhinoceros Ride (Part 2)

(Click here for PART ONE)

“Did you order it from the store?” Lucas asked as he walked besides Bradley who was proudly riding the rhinoceros named Baxter.

“You can’t order them from a store,” Bradley say, as he steered Baxter this way and that way. Riding a rhinoceros was difficult, more difficult than Bradley had ever imagined…if Bradley had ever imagined it. With every powerful step Baxter took, Bradley nearly fell off to the side of the animal and had to maintain balance by holding the rope leash tight and maneuvering his backside with muscles that had never muscled before. It was difficult, but Bradley didn’t mind. He was happy to have a pet.

“It must have come from the zoo, then. You must’ve stolen it,” Lucas said.

“I did not steal it. I wished for him and he appeared. It’s as simple as that,” Bradley said. He had to shout down to Lucas because he was sitting so high up on Baxter’s back and because riding a mighty rhinoceros made one feel very important and kingly, and kings always shouted down to the people. Continue reading Transmission #23: The Rhinoceros Ride (Part 2)

Daily Transmission #22: Rhinoceros Ride

The Rhinoceros Ride
By Dan Bergstein

“Did you order a rhinoceros?” Father asked from the hallway. His hand was held out, palm up so the rhinoceros could smell it.

“No, dear,” Mother said from the living room where she was reading a book. “And I don’t think you can order them from the store. It must have come from a zoo or the wild, I’d suppose.”

The rhinoceros had sniffed Father’s hand and judged him to be a good person and not food, and so the giant creature lumbered into the living room, knocking down paintings and scuffing the wallpaper as he lazily passed through a narrow hallway.

“Well perhaps we should call the zoo, then,” Father said, taking off his coat and putting his briefcase down. The rhinoceros was 32% certain the briefcase was not food.

“Good idea,” Mother said as she went into the kitchen to make the call. From upstairs, Father heard his son stumble and jumble.

Little Bradley ran down the stairs, jumping over the last three in one leap. He was hastily buttoning his sweater. “I got my sweater! Now can we go out!? Hi Father! Isn’t this the best?” Continue reading Daily Transmission #22: Rhinoceros Ride