LaserFarm’s First Birthday! was launched a year ago, and what a year it’s been. From Lego Advent Calendars to Daily Monsters, this webzone has seen it all.

For the occasion, I drew this.

That’s not a boob at the bottom. It’s a cupcake, seen from directly above. It has pink icing and yellow sprinkles. The blue candle is in the middle. The orange is the fire. Pretty good, right?


It sucks. I know. I kinda phoned this one in. But hey, remember when I painted that octopus? That was cool, right?

And remember when I used to answer Parade Magazine questions? Ho-ho! What a laugh!

Thank you for your continued support. You are my life now.

December Preview

NaNoWriMo kicked my ass and I admit defeat. With only 3 days to finish my novel I’m left with a few options:

1. Give up.

2. Write 25,000 poorly chosen words in 72 hours all for the sake of “winning.”

3. Put the story on hold and prepare for the very best month of them all.

I’m going with the third option.

This does not mean the adventures of Space Ape Samuel Chichester will go untold. I am working on the story every day, though I’ll no longer be publishing the rough draft here on Laser Farm.

Instead, I’ll publish the entire, revised, book in January.

Since the second day of NaNoWriMo I wanted to rewrite the story and focus on certain things and delete other ideas. This is my chance to do just that. When finished, the book will be leaner, funnier, more exciting, and less ungood.

NaNoWriMo is a fun exercise, and I plan to participate next year. I apologize to those whom I let down.

So, what can you expect from Laser Farm in December? Pure internet joy.

The Lego Advent Calendar shall once again be opened. Starting on December 1st, I’ll open one of the calendar doors and reveal the treasure inside. Amazing photos will accompany the wonderful words. Video too…maybe. You still have time to buy your own Lego Calendar if you want to join the fun.

There are two calendars this year: The Star Wars Calendar, and the regular City Calendar (set #7553). I’m opening the City Calendar.

Email any photos of your own Advent calendars, Lego or otherwise, and I’ll try to post them along with the daily blog. (

Speaking of photos, the amazing Pauline on Facebook made this shirt for the Breaking Dawn movie. The front of the shirt says “Team Optimus Beyonce.” This is the best shirt of all time. Pauline, you are a perfect person.

Speaking of shirts, you can buy your own Team Dan T-shirts from my Cafepress store. Read the descriptions carefully. Some have “Place Jetpack Here” written on the back, and some do not.

I have more surprises and treats planned for December, including short stories, poems, drawings, and words.

In January, I’ll finally be starting up The Dan Bergstein Interview Project after months of planning.

Also in January, Monster of the Day will be back along with some new ____ of the Day items. Dan’s Lie of the Day on Twitter will make its triumphant return as well.

Things on the Laser Farm will be quite busy.

And, of course, there are some amazing articles and videos planned for SparkNotes. Maybe even a video live-blog of a Christmas movie…

You have been warned.

Hope you had a fun NaNoWriMo.

You are my life now,

NaNoWriMo: Day 27

I’m not going to make it to 50,000 words by November 30th, but stay tuned for an update about the state of this story.

Part 13

“I…I can’t,” moaned Oliver. “Please, stop…I can’t breath.”

They had been running, then walking, then running some more across the tightly packed rooftops of the city of Bull. The security force back at the Puppet Prison was too concerned with the wreckage of Sam’s fight with Soulj, and were busy now shoving and pushing the crtically injured Soulj back into his tank.

Continue reading NaNoWriMo: Day 27

NaNoWriMo: Day 21

I passed the 25,000 word mark! Yay! But because I don’t want to drown you in words, I’ll just update this in pieces. Sorry for the delay between updates.

I am not editing or rewriting any of these yet. What you see is completely rough and jagged and poorly written. In December (or January) I’ll revisit the story and rewrite it. Until then, enjoy the rough draft.

Also: Starting December 1st, I will once again be opening and writing about the Lego Advent Calendar. If you don’t know what this is, click here for last year’s posts. So excited!

Part 12

Fighting an octopus of any size takes a great deal of concentration. Imagine facing off against a bowl of angry spaghetti and you’ll begin to see the problem. One whipping arm of muscle is bad enough, but when that arm is slick with seawater and accompanied by seven like-minded friends, the odds in favor of the tentacles increases greatly. Such was the case in what would later be known as The Battle in Front of the Puppet Prison, and later still as That Thing That Happened.

Continue reading NaNoWriMo: Day 21

NaNoWriMo: Day 16

Been a while since I updated this site. Still working on the novel. Below is a VERY rough draft. I apologies for any errors and confusion.

Part 10

Gabriela was watching the puppets stir in their cages as a sick feeling worked its way into both her stomach and head. This was not making sense in her mind. Nothing about this evening was making sense. The more Sam talked about dimensions and puppets and monsters, the more she wanted to run under her bed and hide until sunup.

But where was her bed? Where was her house! Her kitchen had turned to black glass and cocooned them through time and space only to shatter on a plateau in the middle of a dinosaur world. But where was that dinosaur world now? She watched the living puppets, the evil living puppets, through the glass window and thought of her bed that was infinity miles away on a world were puppets were never imprisoned. She started to cry.

Continue reading NaNoWriMo: Day 16

NaNoWriMo: Day 10

Fell a bit behind with my word count, but I can catch up.

Some have asked to see a drawing of Samuel Chichester, the Space Ape. Instead of showing you what I think he looks like, I’m curious to see your interpretation. Draw a picture and e-mail it to me, and I’ll post it along with the daily updates. Towards the end of the month I’ll add my own drawing.

Keep writing!

Part 9

Horatio Packer knew at an early age that puppets would be his life’s work. On his fifth birthday, his parents surprised him with a trip into the city where he ate cheesecake for the very first time and saw his very first puppet show at the famous Fell Puppet Theater. The marionettes performed a short but exciting story of pirates and damsels, and Horatio watched with rapt attention, never sitting down once.

Continue reading NaNoWriMo: Day 10

NaNoWriMo: Day 8

Late night tonight, but still got my word count in.

Part 8

Gabriela Juliet always dreamed of being a writer…or a dancer, actor, horse veterinarian, photographer, sculptor, model, film maker, or world famous dessert chef. She had dabbled in a few of these dream occupations, but after the first day (or first twenty minutes) of work, the glamour of dream jobs melted away.

Continue reading NaNoWriMo: Day 8

NaNoWriMo: Day 7

I wanted to write these out in the format of a novel, with paragraph indents. However, that is impossible because while computers can detect disease, control airplanes, and instantly communicate with billions of people around the planet, using indentations on blogs is a technology not yet perfected. For the past hour I’ve been going crazy trying to find a way to make these NaNoWriMo blogs look more like novels. But there is no answer. None.

You cannot format WordPress articles that way unless you go line by line, and even then it’s ugly and changes things.

If you have any tips, contact me on Facebook.

Sorry that these are all formatted like blog stories.

Part Seven

Sam and Ama conferred once again in the bizarre, watery language Tybalt heard earlier. Tybalt watched as Ama made dramatic gestures and seemed furious. Sam pointed to the Juliets with both hands, as if saying, “What am I gonna do? Look at them!” Ama looked over the three humans and gave a short, muted laugh.

She turned and walked over to the hole in the plateau’s surface from which she came. Kneeling down, she began yanking various twigs and sticks from the hole. The sticks looked very similar to the material of her armor. Tybalt watched the curious woman closely.

Continue reading NaNoWriMo: Day 7

NaNoWriMo: Day 6

I’ll be reformatting these different parts into one long article, and then update that article everyday, instead of making new articles. It will be easier to follow that way.

How are you holding up? I’m still excited about National Novel Writing Month, even though I can’t wait to go back in December and revise my whole story. Keep writing! Good luck!

Previously in the story, the monster Samuel Chichester had visited Young Adult novelist Gabriela Juliet and her family. Using cosmic powers, he brought them to a strange world and killed a pterodactyl. He had just yanked a young woman named Ama from the ground….

Part Six

When confronting a figure of authority, appearance matters. You want to look dignified, strong, tempered, and crisp. Eye contact and a deep vocabulary are indispensable tools. Control your breathing. Do not raise your voice, for this will seem threatening and illicit a defensive, angry reaction from the person with whom you are communicating. And above all, keep your message short and clear.

Oliver Juliet, disregarding every of the above mentioned rules, shouted, “What the?! The kitchen? And…now in the desert? Nightmare! A nightmare! There was a dinosaur!!! You’re pulling girls from dirt? I have an MBA! I have a graduate degree and you…you sir, with your fists and…she’s MY wife! My son! You can’t…you can’t just…you just can’t.”

And he said so while still wearing the satin robe, matching satin pajamas, and ratty bedroom slippers that he wore to bed two hours ago. What was left of his middle-aged hair was flopping about on his head like kite string. Dried blood from his broken nose now crusted his upper lip. And when he spoke, globules of saliva rained out of his mouth in the most undignified manner.

He was also crying.

Continue reading NaNoWriMo: Day 6