Monster of the Day #52: Pluto’s Older Brother, Steve

Name: Steve (Pluto’s older brother)

Powers: Though he often picks on his brother, he will defend his younger sibling, often violently.

Weaknesses: Scientific facts, the sun, the cops.

Origin: One day he saw his little brother crying at the park. He was about to call Pluto a baby, but then Pluto whined, “The people of Earth say I’m not a planet anymore.” Steve was enraged. Sure, he likes to make fun of his little brother, but it’s OK because they’re brothers. It’s not cool if someone else does it. So Steve asked Pluto where Earth was hanging out, and then sped off looking for revenge.

Rules: Steve was a planet until he was caught smoking weed outside the library. He’s been downgraded to a “Hooligan Orb.”

Description: Planet-like object that acts tough.

Last Seen: Throwing eggs at Saturn.

Birthday Presents Part 1: Spacemen!

I was born in August, which means my birthday is not surrounded by official holidays or lost in the treacherous time frame of November – January. August birthdays are fun because there is nothing else to celebrate and expectations are low. An August birthday party may consist of a crackers and a flashlight and it would still be a successful party because there is nothing else to do in August.

This year’s birthday was spectacular, but I won’t bore you with the details. Instead, I will bore you with my presents – my wonderful, wonderful presents! It will take a few blog posts to get through all the goodies, but it will be worth.

I’m starting things off with a showstopper that was a gift to myself.

Continue reading Birthday Presents Part 1: Spacemen!

Monster of the Day #51: Ghost of Yogurt

Name: Ghost of Yogurt

Powers: Yogurt is a living thing (technically) and when you eat it, you murder it. The spirits of the yogurt cultures return to seek vengeance.

Weaknesses: Power crystals, lava, special gloves.

Origin: You caused this. It’s all your fault!

Rules: It’s far too late to beg for mercy.

Description: A shadowy ghost that tastes like mixed berry.

Last Seen
: Behind you.

Monster of the Day #50: Bucket of Hair

Name: Bucket of Hair

Powers: Unknown. Can make a person say, “What the hell is that? A bucket of hair? Gross.”

Weaknesses: Unknown. Resistant to being poked with a stick.

Origin: Mike found it in the woods behind the 7-11.

Rules: Unknown. Poking it with a stick produced no results.

Description: Bucket filled with hair.

Last Seen: Out in the woods behind 7-11.

Monster of the Day #49: Anti-Giraffe


Name: Anti-Giraffe

Powers: It is smaller and lacks the long neck of a normal giraffe. As such, it’s sneakier and it’s venom is more potent.

Weaknesses: Poachers, lava, the crimson diamonds of Mars.

Origin: There’s a chance it’s just a strange, yellow cow.

Rules: It hasn’t seen The Wire yet, so don’t spoil it!

Description: Strange, yellow cow. Because I forgot to draw the ground, I guess the Anti-Giraffe can also hover in the air.

Last Seen: Floating above a house in South Carolina.

Dan’s Interview Project of Goodness

I want to interview you. Yes, you.

In the coming weeks and decades I will start interviewing random people and transcribing the interviews for funny posts on this very website. These interviews will be short and great. They may be conducted in a chat window, via e-mail, Skype, semaphore, Google, Yappers, Titoe, FuzzleBot, or any other form of communication. (Some of those may not be real forms of communication…yet.)

The questions will be fun, goofy, and nice. I won’t make you appear stupid. All stupid jokes will be done to make myself seem stupid. The end result will be something that is entertaining and (hopefully) funny.

As a hot-shot professional magazine writer, I have interviewed billions of people including ultra-mega celebrities such as Bam Margera, Stacy Keibler, and some woman whose name I forget but it was probably something like Bridget McTiffany who starred in a TBS show that I think was called Nurse Doctors…or something. You could join this prestigious list!

Now I’m using my amazing interview skills for Dan’s Interview Project of Goodness (better title TK.) [TK is a technical publishing term. It means “Toby Keith.”]

Interested in being part of this project? Keep reading!

Criteria:

Must be 18 or older. I know many of my readers are younger, but sadly the world is a creepy awful place and you shouldn’t be talking to strangers if you’re not an adult. I’m sure you understand. My legal and ethics teams are currently working hard to see if we can change this, but for the time being: Adults only. If you’re underage, keep in mind that I could interview your parents, teachers, older siblings, dog catchers, or president. If you know someone above the age of 18 who would be interested, send them this pitch. I need a lot of people to interview, so spread the word!

Be real. I’m only interested in interviewing real people, and not the eccentric British character you improvised named Hilary Bossombottom, who enjoys feathers and butlers. If I suspect you’re lying/acting, the interview will come to sad, abrupt end. I don’t mind using fake names for the sake of anonymity, but your answers and personality should be 100% honest.

Legal junk. Before raising your hand and offering your words, know that there’s a small chance these interviews will be collected in book form. If/when this happens, you may need to sign a form giving me permission to use your words in the book. If you don’t like the idea of signing things, please don’t offer to participate.

If I haven’t creeped you out yet, and you still want to be part of this incredible project, please contact me at dan@laserfarm.com or you can contact me publicly on my Facebook wall. Or stop by the Starbucks I’m currently visiting. (I’m the dopey guy in the back who appears to be hard at work but is secretly just writing the words “Jetpacks ahoy!” again and again on his computer.)

To give you a general idea of what the interviews will hopefully look like, here are two interviews that I wrote up for SparkNotes.

Interview with Spellbound Author Cara Lynn Shultz

Interview with an English Teacher

And for reading this entire thing, here’s a link to a picture of a dog. Enjoy.

UPDATE:
I’m getting a lot of great responses. To keep track of everyone please either join this brand new Facebook page or send me an e-mail to dan@laserfarm.com. If you simply say “Interview me” on my Facebook wall, there’s a small chance you will get lost in the shuffle, so liking the Fanpage or sending an e-mail is your best bet. In the coming week, I’ll send out more information to those interested, including a brief questionnaire to help get us all organized with technology and whatnot. Thanks again. You are amazing.

UPDATE #2:
I’m getting your e-mails and reading them all. I promise. I’ll reply to everyone in the next few days.

Monster of the Day #48: Bad Bike

Name: Bad Bike

Powers: The handlebars are covered in sandpaper. The crossbar is a poisonous snake. The front tire is also a snake, and is most likely poisonous. The pedals are on fire. The rear tire is made of glue, impairing mobility. The seat is covered in bird beaks.

Weaknesses: Hills.

Origin: The bike was built to punish kids who forgot to lock up their good bikes.

Rules: Must only be ridden in designated bad bike lanes.

Description: It smells like hair.

Last Seen: Parked outside a Wendy’s in Nebraska.

Monster of the Day #47: Hipster Astronaut

Name: Hipster Astronaut

Powers: They hover above the Earth with a feeling of superiority.

Weaknesses: Coffee that can be purchased. Music that anyone may hear. Books that are good. Fun. Genuine emotions.

Origin: One hipster said to the other, “We should live in space, and just get away from all this fashion, entertainment, good things, pets that aren’t ironic, food, and people who don’t ‘get’ the sarcasm of my racist Tweets.” And the other hipster just nodded because she was too busy getting “Tattoos Hurt” tattooed on her forearm.

Rules: Hipster Astronauts only attack when provoked or when someone says, “Does vinyl really sound that much better?”

Description: They’ll be the only astronauts in space wearing vintage Nike Airs and riding impractical BMX dirt bikes.

Last Seen: Staring at the planet Mercury and saying, “Pff. Whatever. Anyone want to play Super Nintendo?”