Monster of the Day #46: Real Pegasus

Name: Real Pegasus

Powers: This sad creature is a true Pegasus, born with the body of a horse and the limbs of a bird. He has wings instead of front legs, and his hind bird legs are too frail to support his body upright. The wings are not strong enough to lift the weight of a horse torso. As such, he just crawls around on the ground, and keeps hitting his head on the dirt.

Weaknesses: Everything.

Origin: This is what happens when little girls wish for things they don’t understand.

Rules: Try not to stare.

Description: His whines of sadness will shatter even the warmest heart.

Last Seen: Slumping around a park in Utah.

Monster of the Day #45: Fire-cicles

Name: Fire-cicles (Or Firicles)

Powers: They are cicles of fire that dangle from roofs and electrical wires during the hot summer months. They are painful.

Weaknesses: Water and turtle shells.

Origin: They occur naturally in the wild but have grown in numbers since man first landed on the moon. Could be unrelated.

Rules: Don’t touch, lick, or mock them.

Description: Thin cones of fire that drip to the ground.

Last Seen: In the above drawing.

Monster of the Day #44: Eyeball in a Jar on a Roller Skate

Name: Eyeball in a Jar on a Roller Skate

Powers: May cause instant death. Was the first being of all time to say, “Will Ferrell and the drummer from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers look alike.”

Weaknesses: Most things, particularly rocks.

Origin: The eye belonged to a warlock, the jar belonged to a sea hag, the roller skate came from a Walmart…a Walmart from the future!!!

Rules: Thinks Lady Gaga tries too hard.

Description: The liquid in the jar tastes like minty falcon blood.

Last Seen: At the bottom of a hill in South Carolina.

Wizarding School for the Deaf

I was contacted on Facebook by a lovely young woman named Elena. Elena’s mom works at a school for the deaf, and Elena asked if could write a story about A Wizarding School for Deaf Students. Instead of a story, I wrote a poem (because I’m wearing my poetry pants today). Hope you like it, Elena! Thanks!

Wizards of Sign
By Dan Bergstein

At the Wizarding School for the hearing impaired,
The students are silent, but not unprepared.
With their deft, mighty fingers and magical thoughts,
They can summon a dragon or charm Bertie Botts.

With a ninja-like stealth that you must admire,
The language of sign is all they require.
To blast a Dementor, they need only blink.
To Accio a broom, they need only think.

There’s a sign for Stupefy, but it’s secret and fast.
You’ll hear only your scream by the time that it’s cast.
And when it’s dark out, shouting seems dumb.
So Lumos is cast using only a thumb.

Some can read lips, most can read minds.
Some can read knees, throats, eyes, and hair of all kinds.
The students are brave and so very smart,
They knew Snape was good, right from the start.

With a wave of their hand, they tame a hippogriff.
They can locate a Horcrux with one simple sniff.
While Harry Potter and Ron must holler and yell,
These students are silent, yet know every spell.

They are tricky and cunning; as quiet as a cat.
They might be in this room. Did you just feel that?

Monster of the Day #43: 80-year-old Anime Fan

Name: 80-year-old Anime Fan

Real Name: Fred

Powers: He has the power to wear up to 17 belts at one time. He also has the power to creep out anyone. Anyone!

Weaknesses: Mall security. Stairs. Anything that happens after 7 o’clock at night. People who “just don’t get it.”

Origin: At first everyone thought he was some sort of Benjamin Button man/child, but it turns out he just really digs Anime culture, particularly the erotic statues of young women kicking.

Rules: His bedroom is scary.

Description: He tends to make “hnnnn” noises without knowing it. Still not as scary as a Middle-Aged Twilight Fan.

Last Seen: Using his Social Security check to buy fingerless gloves and ridiculous boots that feature 14 buckles and 10 zippers.

Monster of the Day #42: Spumky the Pool Demon

Name: Spumky, the Pool Demon

Powers: Spumky is a patch of pool water that feels either slightly warmer or colder than the rest of the water. Upon contact with Spumky, you may become sick with a tongue rash, diarrhea, gonorrhea, pumpkin-rrhea, or spider-rrhea. The only known cure is true love and/or antibiotics.

Weaknesses: Ammonia, lava, the Elder Wand.

Origin: Pounds and pounds of invisible bacteria and filth float in every pool. When this filth is struck by lighting, it comes to life, and Spumky is born.

Rules: Don’t drink Spumky.

Description: Greenish-invisible.

Last Seen: Hanging out near the clump of hair and the floating Band Aid.

Monster of the Day #40: Geppetto

Name: Geppetto

Powers: Can create life when he whines about being lonely.

Weaknesses: Whales. Loneliness. Lava. Ethics.

Origin: After building a boy puppet that came to life, Geppetto said, “Hmm,” and then went about building “Fancy Dolores.”

Rules: The less you know, the better.

Description: He’s a lonely toy maker with splinters aplenty.

Last Seen: Buying wigs.

Monster of the Day #39: Skelephant

Name: Skelephant

Powers: Difficult to draw. Strong. Curious. Bones are held together by magical glue.

Weaknesses: The orb of power. The sphere of power. The power ball. The globe of wonder. The bad bubble of evil.

Origin: He was a normal circus elephant who accidentally ate a peanut-shaped leprechaun.

Rules: If you look at him with x-ray glasses, all you’d see is his soul.

Description: He rarely wears hats.

Monster of the Day #38: Tip Top

Name: Tip Top

Powers: The giant robot has great strength and low-level psychic powers.

Weaknesses: Unknown.

Origin: When you ask him where he’s from, he points to your own brain. But he might just be messing with you. He’s kind of creepy like that.

Rules: The purple button on his back does something…bad.

Description: His beeps and clicks have a distinct Dutch accent.

Last Seen: In the forest behind the school.