Dan Answers Parade Magazine’s Mail: Part 1

Starting this week here at the LaserFarm, I will be unofficially answering the questions sent in to Walter Scott of Parade Magazine. For those unfamiliar with the publication, Parade Magazine comes stuffed into many Sunday newspapers around the country. No one subscribes. You just receive it magically, like a headache. It’s not a bad magazine. Some of the articles are informative and clever. But the first page is devoted to Walter Scott’s “Personality Parade” in which Scott answers hard-hitting questions sent in by readers.

Here’s this week’s round of questions with my new answers.

A: I’m so sorry to learn that there is no internet access in West Palm Beach. You poor thing. The book will be released next week, according to this dream I had. Barnes and Noble’s website confirmed my dream, and a phone call to any book store would do the same. But it was brave of you to ask. And to preemptively answer your next question: Ghostbusters was released in 1984 and Busta Rhymes’ real name is Trevor Tahiem Smith, Jr. Let me know if there’s anything else I can Google for you.

A: Good question! No. He didn’t.

A: Hey Brad “Muckraker” Smith, we need to talk. First, it’s a bit strange that this question bothers you to such an extent that you wrote a letter to a magazine to find the answer. I only imagine your friends and family were tired of telling you, “Dammit Brad, how the hell am I supposed to know?! Go ask Parade!”

Second, is there any answer that will satisfy your curiosity? Sure, I could tell you which songs she sings to her kids, but then you’ll just come back with, “What’s on her iPod?” or, “What three books would she take to a desert island?” And it would devolve into questions such as, “What does her arm hair taste like?” “Are her windows rock-proof?” and, “Due to the Earth’s water cycle, what is the probability that the water I’m drinking was once inside Britney Spears?” I’m cutting you off, Brad. You will thank me later.

That’s it for this week. Tune in next time.

Dan vs. Paint by Numbers

There are two things I can draw well: A triangle and the letter W. No one will ever accuse me of being a great artist because A) Why would you “accuse” someone of that unless you’re trying to solve a murder that was obviously caused by a great artist, and B) Salt shakers are more artistically adept than I am. Luckily, anyone can fake talent by using a Paint by Numbers kit. (Available at any store that smells pathetic.) With nothing better to do this weekend, I attempted one of these projects.

According to the box, this is how the final painting should look.

I made a few, slight alterations to give the work deeper meaning. Click below to view my masterpiece.

Continue reading Dan vs. Paint by Numbers

I Want to Be Arby’s Twitter Author

I’m not sure why the restaurant chain Arby’s has a Twitter account. Moreover, why would anyone wish to follow such a Twitter feed? I enjoy Arby’s food but that’s the extant of my interest in the company. Are there die hard Arby’s fans in the world itching for more content, dying to know Arby’s opinions on trending topics? Perhaps. After staring at the Arby’s Twitter feed for a few moments (hours), I had an epiphany.

Continue reading I Want to Be Arby’s Twitter Author