I have experienced 17 consecutive days of December without hearing the Christmas Shoes song. Things are getting tense. Can I make it one more week — just one more week?
I could avoid turning the radio on and I could stop going into stores at the mall, but that seems like cheating. It’s like saying the baseball man Cliff Lee never struck me out. It doesn’t count if I don’t play.
So I will continue to turn on the radio and visit stores, but each time I do, I swallow hard and tremble. Wish me luck on this grand adventure.
Today’s Lego item comes with another warning, so you know it’s good. Continue reading
Hanukkah begins tonight! Since I’m half-jewish, that means I get to celebrate Hanukkah. But, if I may be a spokesperson for all the half-Jewish people in the world, let me say, once and for all, that being half-Jewish does NOT mean you get double presents.
That math never works out. If you measure it by weight, by dollar, or by the size of gifts, our total loot equals that of full-blown Jewish and Christian kids. All it really means is that when we’d visit family, one grandma had a Christmas tree and the other had a Menorah. And everything was lovely.
Speaking of lovely things. Lego!
Today’s item is…
If you’d like Power Pencils before Christmas, all orders must be in by Thursday, December 18th. That’s this Thursday! After that, I can’t guarantee your shipment will arrive on time. While I could use my magical pencils to disrupt the US postal service and/or all chronology, I’d rather save my magic for when I need it most (June 18th…when the sky-sharks attack). Click here to order!
Christmas Note: We are 15 days into December and I haven’t heard the dreaded Christmas Shoes song yet. I’m very excited about this, though each time I turn on the radio or walk into a store, my face becomes slick with panic-sweat as I fear that the song of Satan shall bellow forth. If I make it all season without hearing the song, I will know Santa is real.
Wish me luck.
Today’s Lego Item is cool…
Why don’t people who live in big mansions put out crazy Christmas lights? My girlfriend and I went driving around last night looking at the lights and I assumed if I drove to the richy-rich neighborhood, we’d see at least some decent, traditional lights. But we got nothing. A few houses put candles in the window, but that’s like adding craisins to a salad and calling it dessert.
When I become a millionaire (thanks to my burgeoning Power Pencil business!) I hereby promise to decorate like a man who just discovered electricity.
As for today’s Lego item? It’s a confusing collection of bricks that may be crap or may be a masterpiece of future-art.
Today’s item is…
I’ve seen the Star Wars Holiday Special. If you’ve never heard of it, search the internet. Better yet, don’t.
The Star Wars Holiday Special is a terrible 2-hour(!) Christmas show about Wookiees celebrating Life Day. I watched it in college. Or at least I tried to watch it. My friends and I gathered around to have a good laugh at the awfulness of this 1980s relic. But it’s tough to sit through the whole thing…even in college.
It’s boring. There are long, ten-minute stretches of time in which NOTHING HAPPENS! Wookiees just walk around their tree house making dinner. It’s like watching The Nutcracker, but without the dancing or music.
At one point, Bea Arthur shows up and the grandad Wookiee (if my memory is correct) has cyber sex. That’s not a joke.
Anyway, don’t watch it. Read about it, watch a few clips online if you so desire, but never watch the entire thing. If you do watch the whole show, on your death bed, moments before you die, you will look up at the universe and whisper, “I wasted two hours of precious life watching Wookiees… .”
The Star Wars Holiday Special is bad.
The Star Wars Lego Calendar is good.
Today’s item is…
We’re already at the halfway point? WHAT THE HELL?!
The last 12 days before Christmas move at such breakneck speeds that if you listen closely, you can hear the Earth spinning faster and faster. Hold on to something.
And on the 12th day of Advent, Lego gave to me…
First, have you seen the trailer for the new Mad Max movie? I’m as tired of sequels and reboots as you are, but this looks crazy-great-weird-good.
If you haven’t seen any of the Mad Max movies, finish reading this article, buy some Power Pencils, and then go see The Road Warrior. It’s one of the best action movies, and laughs in the face of crap like The Fast and the Furious 8: Beep Beep.
And now let’s find out what’s hiding in the Lego calendar today…
I bought Lego Marvel Super Heroes for Xbox 360. It happened on a Cyber Monday when I suddenly felt the urge to play with virtual Lego pieces and this game was on sale for $15. I have never played a Lego game before, but I had heard good things about this one.
And I like Marvel characters more than DC. (Except Batman. If I were the captain of Marvel comics, I would trade Wolverine for Batman. Wolverine is dumb. I don’t like him. Never liked him. He shouldn’t be the centerpiece of any team or movie. He should be a background character, like Boba Fett or Randy from A Christmas Story! No one wants to see a whole movie about Randy. We like Randy in small doses. Wolverine’s story and personality are not as interesting as you think. A book about an angry light-switch would be a more satisfying story than all Wolverine tales put together. He’s stupid. I don’t care about him. Don’t get me Wolverine for Christmas. Whatever. Stupid dumb Wolverine. Batman is cool.)
The game is fun. It’s not the most involved game out there; this isn’t Skyrim. It’s mindless video game stuff that reminds me of playing games on my ol’ Sega Genesis — games like Streets of Rage 2 and Golden Axe. Only now the graphics are amazing, and the dialogue is funny, and YOU CAN BE THE HULK! I like it.
I also like today’s Lego item. I like it enough that I just might scream once it’s revealed…
Today’s item is…
Last year I wrote a short story about Santa Claus and the joy of worrying. You can read the entire thing by clicking here!
Now let’s journey to a galaxy far, far away… (Bring snacks. It’s a long trip.)
Today’s Lego item is…
This will be quick because I need to print, cut, and make 70 instruction booklets for Power Pencils.
Every Power Pencil comes with an instruction book that explains the rules, history, etc. of that particular pencil. I love writing/drawing them. I hate putting them together. I’m a one-man operation right now, because my intern vanished in a mystical portal he created via Power Pencils. Let this be a lesson: If you give your intern magic pencils, they will use them to vanish via portals.
Isn’t “via” a weird word? Seems like an unfinished word, as if there’s more to it but we all got lazy. Maybe it’s short for viavavooom! I hope it is.
The point beings: I do all the Power Pencil work myself. For the next 8 hours, I’ll be printing, cutting, stapling, packing, shipping, and listening to awful Christmas music on iTunes Radio, because I’m the only person beside Taylor Swift who doesn’t use Spotify.
And if you still haven’t ordered your set of Power Pencils, or your forgot what Power Pencils are, here’s a rundown of our holiday deals and sets.
Now let’s focus on Star Wars and Christmas!
Today’s item is great. It is…