The Rules
By Dan Bergstein
Ninja beats pirate. Pirate beats ghost.
Ghost beats zombie. Zombie beats most.
Werewolf beats vampire. Vamp beats Imp.
Imp beats fiend. Fiend beats wimp.
Wizard beats cyrborg. Cyborg surely beats troll.
Troll beats goblin. Goblin eats a hermit’s soul.
Hermit beats child. Child beats wagon.
Wagon beats moon snake. Moon snake beats dragon.
Dragon beats hydra. Hydra beats sailor.
Sailor beats teacher. Teacher beats tailor.
Tailor beats sun worm. Sun worm beats clown.
Clown beats robo-squid. Robo-squid beats town.
Town fights jackals. Town will win.
Town fights mummies. Town won’t fight again.
Zookeeper beats hell hound. Hell hound beats giant.
Giant beats accountant. Accountant beats client.
Client beats frog. Frog beats himself.
Knight beats Big Foot. Big Foot beats elf.
Elf beats pixie. Pixie beats specter.
Specter beats sea hag. Sea hag beats Hector.
Hector beats serpent. Serpent beats rat.
Rat beats Grandma. Grandma beats cat.
Lava beats demon. Demon beats warlock.
Warlock beats dinosaur. Dino beats Spock.
Spock beats Lando. Lando beats Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon beats Jar-Jar. Jar-Jar beats none.
Rock beats scissors. Scissors beat paper.
Paper beats insect. Insect beats vapor.
Wood Woman beats Tree Man. Tree Man beats the dark.
The dark kills spider-fish. Spider-fish beats shark.
You beat me. I beat a dentist.
The dentist beats the barber. The barber is menaced.
These are the rules, and never forget.
Now hand over your money and place your bet.
Posted in Wonderful
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Tagged List, random
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I got a new job. I’m now the…um…I forget what my title is. Senior Content Producer for Maxim.com? Senior Producer of Things? Digital Man of Things? Something like that.
Yes, I will still be contributing to SparkNotes. Duh.
The End
Posted in Wonderful
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Tagged random
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This is one of the Christmas cards I made this year.
More after the jump…
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Posted in Wonderful
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Tagged Art, Christmas
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We’ve reached the end of the Lego Advent Calendar. Overall, I was unimpressed with this year’s offerings, but it was still a fun 24-day event. And this means things can only get better for next year.
Today’s item is Santa Claus. Of course it’s Santa Claus. And he comes with a fun accessory.
Click on to see the grand finale and read my list of the best Lego Calendar items.
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Tomorrow is the final day of the Lego Calendar. We all know that Santa is coming, and judging by what I received on the other days of this calendar, he will probably be riding an invisible sleigh that can only be seen through your “imagination eyes.”
Yeah. This calendar kinda sucks.
Luckily, today’s item was made infinitely better thanks to a little creative construction and the power of love.
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“Baby It’s Cold Outside” should be sung with the male and female roles reversed. Has anyone ever recorded such a version? Had I the resources, I would do it, and it would be an instant hit. I’m so novel!
I haven’t wrapped a single present yet, and there are still more gifts to buy. But that’s what Fridays are for, right?
I’ve come to terms with this year’s Lego Calendar. I know it can never be as wonderful as last year’s, and that’s OK. Getting upset over expectations is a poor use of energy. Life’s too short.
Whatever is in today’s box will be fine with me.
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Yesterday was crazy. After sucking up a whole three hours of sleep, I took the bus into New York, had some incredible meetings, got lost, got sweaty on the subway, got cold on the street, took the bus home, and then live-blogged Die Hard.
There’s a very good chance my entire body will give up within the hour so I better make this quick.
And in case you missed it, here’s my video tutorial “How to Wrap Presents.” Much can be learned.
Here is the Lego present on this fine Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve.
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I cheated. I opened this box on December 19th at eleven o’clock at night. But I had my reasons. By the time you’re reading this, I will be on my way to Manhattan for some meetings. When I return, I’ll have only a few short minutes to collect my thoughts and prepare for the Die Hard live-blog (happening on Justin.TV tonight at 8 p.m.).
There are not enough hours in December 20th, 2011 to do all that I need to get done. And for that reason, I cheated. I wrote this up a few hours in advance.
I feel bad, but this was the only way I could have written about the item.
Honest!
Do you hate me?
There’s one thing you won’t hate – today’s Lego item.
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Tomorrow night I will be video live-blogging the classic holiday movie Die Hard over on Justin.TV as part of the SparkNotes Movie Club. This is the first time I’m trying a video live-blog. Stop by and watch me awkwardly play with my beard for two hours. The show starts at 8 p.m. (est) and you may want to show up a bit early so I can figure out some tech issues.
Today’s item fits in perfectly with the Die Hard event. It’s an item I never knew I wanted until it arrived.
It’s a…
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By this time next week the calendar will be empty and Christmas will be here. I better savor each and every day. And if you want to have a fun holiday season, you better make the most of the remaining seven days as well.
This is the week to do everything Christmasy that you can! Time’s running out!!! Don the gay apparel! Hurry!
In that spirit, my girlfriend and I drove on a self-guided Christmas light tour last night. Guess how long the tour route was?
A. 30 miles.
B. No. I don’t want to. Just tell me.
C. 33.6 miles.
D. 86 miles.
Correct Answer: D.
Yep. For 86 miles we slowly cruised around Eastern Pennsylvania. It was fun, but some of the houses were too far apart. Can’t all the people with crazy decorations agree to live on the same block? And what the hell does Disney’s Beauty and the Beast have to do with the birth of Jesus and Santa?
Enough about lights. Here’s today’s item…
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