We knew the Lego would start spitting out losers soon, so this should come as no surprise.
We knew the Lego would start spitting out losers soon, so this should come as no surprise.
Before we open the calendar, take twelve minutes and listen to “The Christmas Unicorn” by Sufjan Stevens.
I like Christmas music, and have plenty of traditional songs including about 18 different versions of Silent Night. When an artist puts out a Christmas album, they usually sing the standards everyone expects: Little Drummer Boy, O Holy Night, some version of Jingle Bell Rock, etc.
I prefer when an artist makes an entirely new Christmas song and “The Christmas Unicorn” is a unique beast (both the song and the creature.) I’m not a Sufjan Stevens fan, but this song is one of my favorite new holiday carols. It’s weird, some might even call it annoying, but I like it. I love the way it builds and builds, and my favorite part comes about three minutes in, after the lyrical section is through and the chorus just keeps going and going.
Listen to it and dance in your chair as we discover today’s Lego item! Continue reading
The Lego Calendar has been kind to us so far, which means it will soon fart out some nonsense that will send me into a rage of disappointment. Could that happen today? Probably. Five days in means the sucky-suck item must be near.
I’m mentally and physically prepared. I’m ready for whatever the Lego elves placed behind door #5.
Let’s rip this open… Continue reading
While everyone else in Rockefeller Center was taking photos of the tree (which is being lit tonight), I took a picture of a bricky Santa. Sadly, he didn’t wave back.
I thought of marching into the Lego store to ask, “Where the hell is the Mrs. Claus in the Advent Calendar?” But the area was too crowded and my throat hurt and I’m shy, and hungry.
On to today’s Lego item! Continue reading
I shouldn’t say this because it will jinx, curse, and hex the entire calendar, but so far the 2013 Lego Advent experience has been good, leaning towards great. I love Officer Mickey Duck and his handy, dandy fireplace.
Or maybe I’m just in a good mood because December is only three days old and I’m already filled with Christmas cheer. I decorated yesterday and listened to hours of awful holiday music. Then I watched Rise of the Guardians while eating chocolate-covered pretzels by the fistful.
Rise of the Guardians is only a great holiday movie if you’re in the right mood. Had I seen it under other circumstances (if I were cranky, headachey, tired, bored, busy, somber, jealous, hungry, rubbery, etc.), the movie would have sucked. The story is your basic “Children need to believe” crap, and I’m not even sure I understood the plot. But after listening to a day’s worth of Christmas music, and decorating so hard I built up a sweat, Rise of the Guardians was a great way to end the night. And it’s beautiful to look at. Even if you hate the story, mute the entire movie and let it play in the background.
Sorry for the movie review tangent.
Lego time! What’s behind today’s door? Continue reading
I love Christmas music, but I hate when an artist takes a slow Christmas song and tries to make it sound even sadder and more dramatic by decreasing the already melancholy tempo. I’m surprised there isn’t a 20-minute version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” I would link to an example, but I’m too happy to hunt down sad Christmas cover songs. When you hear one on the radio, you can stop and say, “Ah! That’s what Dan meant! I shall tell him immediately!”
Today’s Lego item is pretty great. It’s something we’ve seen before, but it’s a necessary part of the Santa Mythos. As such, I welcome it with open arms! Continue reading
The Lego Advent Calendar is the best thing to happen to Christmas since magic silk hats and lords a leapin’. The calendar is a simple device of 24 cardboard doors that countdown the days until Christmas. Behind each door dwells a Lego thing. You open the door, build the tiny Lego thing, and then write thousand-word articles about it. It’s an official tradition in my house.
This is my fourth year opening the Lego calendar. The first calendar I opened back in 2010 made that holiday season among the best I’ve experienced. It gave me Naked Shower Santa, a gift I shall never be able to reciprocate. On my death bed, at the age of 133, listen close and you will hear me whisper, “Naked…shower…Santa.” (But watch out, because when I’m 133, I will also have a cyborg arm that will never die, and may try to punch you for getting too close to my face.)
The following year, I was disappointed that my second Lego calendar went a much more traditional route. It offered some quality Lego pieces, but its lack of bathing Santa left me with a feeling of emptiness. I also really wanted a Mrs. Claus.
Last year’s calendar was a nightmare. The Lego Friends Calendar was a joyless experience that not even fire could fix. It also did not contain a Mrs. Claus. Ugh. Just thinking about last December makes my heart hurt.
It should be noted that last December was a rough one for me both physically and emotionally. I was dealing with a hellish commute (five hours, round trip, every day) and working for a company that crushed my soul. I should have been happy. I had a Lego calendar and a job I thought would be a dream gig. But both ended horribly. On top of that, my 2012 was punctuated with a cold/flu so brutal that eleven months later, I’m still worried that by discussing the illness, this very sentence is contagious. Please wash your hands and eyes after reading.
If last December was wretched, that means this December will be AMAZING! That’s just scientific math facts.
This year I went with the traditional Lego City Advent Calendar because the Lego Friends Calendar was such a disaster. I also took some (drastic?) measures to ensure each item will be a surprise.
The Lego marketing company must not know what a “surprise” is because anyone who carefully looks at the advent calendar’s box art can pick out at least a dozen of the so-called “surprise” Lego items inside. These items are meant to be a secret until the day you open the door! Lego is ruining everything! DON’T SHOW ME WHAT I’M GETTING!
If Lego were making movie posters, the poster for the Sixth Sense would feature a tombstone for the Bruce Willis character. And I would still go see it, because a Lego Sixth Sense movie sounds rather interesting.
To prevent my peeking eyes from ruining Christmas, my wonderful girlfriend wrapped the outside pictures on the box. If you’re opening the calendar this year, I recommend you ask, or hire, someone you trust to do the same. Hiding the box art will make for a more exciting holiday season.
Plus it’s fun to have a wrapped present in your room all month long. Feels festive!
Enough intro! Let’s now take a deep holiday breath, cross our fingers, say a Lego prayer and open the first door!!!!! Continue reading
The Washington Redskins are still called the Washington Redskins, but that will probably (and hopefully) change soon. What will they pick as the new name? Something bland, like the Washington Nationals? Something just as offensive, such as the Washington C-words? If Mr. NFL is smart, he’ll pick one of the following new team names:
100. The Other Eagles
98. The Durmstrangs
97. The Spider Men
The 2016 election is just a few thousand minutes away and it’s time to think carefully about which candidate the American people want to lead them into freedom. Having turned 35 this year, I am finally eligible to be president of the United States and I will be a good one.
I won’t bore you with my past accolades and experience, though it should be noted that I won third place in a swim meet, and I once touched James Cameron’s shoulder at a movie screening.
But I will list my campaign promises. These are not fantastical lies and empty oaths. These are truths. If elected president, this is what you can expect from me.
Since leaving SparkNotes, what have I been up to? Great question! Unfortunately, I’m not ready to reveal much yet, but I’m currently working on project that is different and new and exciting. It’s the type of thing that makes one lose sleep at night — in a good way, the way in which your brain is too motivated and full to stop jumping around your skull.
It’s like trying to sleep the day before Christmas and your grandma already dropped hints that you’re getting a jetpack! It’s that level of excitement.
It’s also frustrating because it takes a time.
Here’s what I can tell you:
I’m making things, but not necessarily or specifically things with words. Instead, I’m making actual, physical things…things that you can hold and smell and taste…though it probably wouldn’t taste good.
I’ve been in the writing game for over a decade, and I still love writing, but with advances in fabrication technology, it’s time to try something new! Completely new! The kind of new where you have to take classes and wear safety equipment!
And then I’ll take this new thing, combine it with the writing and….KABOOM! Something weird and wonderful will happen.
So to anyone out there who is or was a fan of my writing, you’re in for a treat. Just give me two or three months. It will be worth it. Promise.